


Don't be a loner, cover your boner

by mileyisqueen1disforme



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, M/M, Oral Sex, Public Sex, Rough Sex, Sex Addiction, Sexual Tension, Therapy, Unrequited Love, at first, sex addict
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-22
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-16 14:21:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 79,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1350565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mileyisqueen1disforme/pseuds/mileyisqueen1disforme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry gets sent away to live with Louis, a therapist and friend of Anne because he's a sex addict. And a slut. </p><p>Louis thinks he has strong willpower enough to fight the urge to fuck Harry into a new year, but Harry's such a tease.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sex Ed

**Author's Note:**

> It's long lol. Hope you like it, xx

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go!!!! Brand new chapter. Leave your thoughts, I know it's been a long time. But I hope you guys love it as much as you loved the original.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh

Panting. A ticking clock. Hands desperately clashing against the fabric of jeans, tugging them down. Loud moans spilling from the corners of mouths.  
“god, I've missed you,” a mumble from his lips and Harry pulls him in closer, shutting up the sweet words. That's not what he's here for.

“Show me,” Harry whispers softly. Scott pushes Harry onto the desk, falling to his knees. He presses lingering kisses against Harry's thighs, his fingertips slowly making their way up.  
Harry's head falls back in pleasure when he feels Scott's mouth wrap around him. He grunts, running his fingers through the blonde hair. Hazel eyes stare up at him, tears forming in the corners after a few minutes.  
  
And Harry's about to pull him up, to bend him over the desk just as he has many times before, when a creak at the door stills his movements.

He looks over and meets the eyes of a blushing student. The shock is spreading in the girl’s eyes and she looks vaguely familiar, he's probably hooked up with her at some point.  
Her mouth is opened slightly in confusion, while Scott scrambles away. It's too late, she's seen him on his knees for his own student.

The bubble of their secret affair finally popped and the sparkle in Scott’s eyes became dull.  
\---  
Harry sits outside an office when Scott comes out, his face flushed with a different kind of tears dripping down his chin. Harry stands up, stays a few feet away from him, unsure what to say. _Sorry if I cost you your job_ , doesn't seem to cut it.

As it turns out, Scott is the one who apologizes. For what, Harry is a little unsure about. He doesn't regret sleeping with Scott, not even now. Maybe that's selfish, maybe he should.  
Scott reaches for his hand but soon changes his mind and walks away.

Harry is called into the office before he can even react and as he sits down, he expects to be told that Scott will be dismissed. Two minutes into the conversation, he realizes it's him who's being disposed of.  
The bland guy who he supposes is the director, informs him he must testify for the board to make a decision about Scott.

Harry hears the man with his snide attitude spit out some more, “As for you, I'm sorry but this is a school with a reputation to maintain. We can't have this type of incident occur again. We'll set another meeting to review the details dealing with your tuition and the credits you can transfer.”

Some condolences are offered and Harry is sent on his way.  
\---  
Harry sits on the bumpy bus, his fingers tapping against his thigh. He didn't even get an orgasm, now he doesn't get a degree. He knows his mom will be angry, the kind of livid anger that paints her red face and frowns to show all the frustration.  
He knows the news will crush her, she had so much faith in him. In his defense, Scott came onto him. Who was Harry to deny him, especially after he learned how good Scott was in bed.

Anne didn't know Harry was sleeping with his professor; he knew she'd disapprove. Plus, it wasn't an actual relationship or thing that was going anywhere outside of that office.

He liked the fog that would cover the windows when he would listen to Scott moan from his touch. So was it worth it? Probably not, but what could Harry do? What was done, was done.

The bus squeaks to stop, opening its doors to kick out Harry and his bad news. He spends the rest of the walk, practicing different explanations. But the end of the story remains the same, the effort is useless. The guilt starts to sink into his gut, making the words taste bitter in his mouth. He can already feel the disappointment that's to come.

His face never flushes from the consequences, however his heart does give a little squeeze. He doesn't mean to shame his mother but he has a feeling that's all he does.  
He stops in front of his door, leaning his head against the cold wood. He knows he's in for a lecture as soon as she finds out. For Christ sakes, he's 20 and she still treats him like he’s 16. Of course he understands why she'd be mad but he's just not ready for the same argument they've been having for years.

Despite this, he pulls it together and enters inside.

His stomach is knotting inside, thick and heavy, pulling his heart into the mess. He finds his mom in the kitchen, dancing along to a ridiculous song as she cooks.  
“Hi darling,” she smiles at him and he nervously smiles back. He knows he's about to be in deep shit.

“Mom, I gotta talk to you about school,” he tells her and he can see the frown coming. The concern in her voice makes him regret sleeping with Scott, just a little.  
“You aren't failing, are you? You promised me the grades were going good sweetheart.”

“It's a bit worse than that,” Harry winces as the words come out, his face scrunching up as he moves his hair out of his eyes. Disappointment dulls her eyes as soon as she hears those words.  
A sigh is ready at the top of her lungs, he can already feel it.  
“I…,”He takes a deep breath, his explanation lost in his shame. “I've been sleeping with a professor.” And out came the sigh, followed by his name soaked in the same tone he's heard many times before.  
“And..,” he continues,” I was kicked out when a girl walked in on us.”

Her face becomes pink, pale transitioning to bright. It takes her a few moments to talk, her voice is coated with a fresh few hundred layers of anger, “So you sleep with your professor and you can't even do it at his damn house! You are-” She chokes up and Harry closes his eyes, ready to accept more.

But the more doesn't come, “Go upstairs, Harry. Just…” She doesn't finish her thought and so he goes.  
As soon as he gets to his room, he drops onto his bed, feet dangling off the edge. He stares up at the ceiling and debates calling a hookup to ease the tension in his chest. But he can't, he can't leave like this. It would only tear the wound open further.  
He pulls out his phone anyway.

He convinces himself to just text Liam and Niall. He explains the situation, waiting for a response from either of them. During the wait, Anne taps on his door. A soft tap, a contradiction to the storm that was growing downstairs.  
He opens, hoping to find peace instead of more fighting.

Her face is still flushed but her eyes seem less aggravated. “Darling, this can't keep happening.” She grabs his hand, gives a squeeze and he takes a step back.  
He begins his attempt of making amends, “I know. And it won't. No more sleeping with professors, lesson learned. I'm sorry mo-”

“Sit down, H. Please.” And so he sits but he doesn't expect her to mean what she says next.

“You're a sex addict.”

But he sees her eyes begin to gloss over with trapped tears. His first instinct is to coil away and laugh, nervous and full of disbelief.  
His voice is hushed and embarrassed when he whispers, “Mom...I don't have sex in leather suits and whip people.”

Anne smiles briefly,”Sweetheart, that's not what sex addiction mean-”  
“Is this about the Jeremy incident? Because I was 16 and curious-”  
“Harry. It's not just Jeremy, Pen down the street saw you at the mall with her daughter's hand..down your pants,” and this time it's Anne whose hushed and embarrassed.

“You've had sex with god knows how many people, even I don't know Harry. I just-” She pauses for a moment, gripping both his hands this time.

“You're no longer having fun, H. I want you to be safe...and this doesn't feel safe. I can't stand it. You're more than a bod-”  
Harry cuts her off this time, his own anger festering in his body.

“Please no, not this argument again. Christ, sex is fun and many people do it! So what if I sleep with a lot of people? Are you calling me a slut,” Harry pulls his hands away, his chest tightening.  
  
“You're not listening-”  
“Yes I am, I just think you're full of rubbish-”  
“You're a sex addict, Harry!”  
“No I'm not!”

Their voices are rising, a frustration is building in both of them. Harry feels as a hard betrayal in his heart.  
His voice cracks ever so slightly as he says,” How can you look at me and think that of me?”

“How could I not?” Those words cut a pain through his skin. “I know it hurts to hear, it hurts to say, to watch you jeopardize your future…But I did some research online sweetheart and there's meeting you could go to, almost like AA meetings-”

“I won't go, I'm not going to waste my time for something that I'm not-” Harry begins, his frown is stuck on his face and the bitter hurt is spreading throughout him.

Anne beats him to the punch, “But you'll waste time screwing your professor? You'll waste your money at a university you can't even go to anymore. Harry, please. I have a friend’s son you could stay with, you could even take some time off of school if you need to. He's all about addiction-”

“You want to send me off to a stranger? How will that make things any better? Living with a therapist? What’s going to stop me from sleeping with him?” Harry spits out, trying to make sense of everything she was saying. It was the most idiotic thing he's heard.

“I just want you to get away from this, all you have to do is talk to him darling. Why is sex so important to you-”  
“Why are you so dramatic? Your plan is stupid-”  
“Just give it a shot-”  
“No I refuse to, I'm not a sex addict. Aren't you listening?”  
“Then get out. Go ruin your life somewhere else, where I can't see. Because I can't keep doing this anymore. You're not okay.”  
“You're seriously going to kick me out for this-”  
“You're breaking my heart Harry. I don't know what to do.” Anne stares down at her own hands. “You're my child and you're sex addict and I can't do anything about it.”  
He hears the desperation in her voice and takes a breath. “I'll think about it okay? Just please, go.”

She gets up off the bed and gives a kiss to the top of his head. “I still love you, H. I know we're not perfect. But I'm here. And I love you. No matter what.”  
She leaves his room and closes the door gently.

Immediately Harry checks his phone and sees a message from Liam. He decides to call him, out of everyone, Liam would know what to do. It also helps that his voice is the one that calms him the most, considering they've known each other since they were 6.

As soon as Liam answers, Harry tells him everything, his voice is heavy with a desire to cry.  
“What are you gonna do?”  
Harry sighs, fingers running over his blanket, chasing nothing. “What do you think I should do, Li? I mean I think she's wrong but she's so set on it being the truth.”

“Maybe you should go.” This catches Harry off guard in the worst way. But then Liam adds, “I'd miss you babe. But it'd give you some time to find another university and you've never stayed away from home, so it could be fun.”

“But I can't have sex,” Harry pouts, the thought of that makes him uncomfortable. He couldn't imagine not having sex.

“First of all, I can't see why you'd want to have sex with other people besides me, and second, I guess we'll have to make the most of the time we have left.” And that leaves him blushing.

Sure he has some feelings for Liam, sure he was his first everything and sure, there's a warmth in his stomach but Harry will pack his bags and he's not sure his feelings will fit in the baggage.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there was typos I tried my best haha lots of love xx


	2. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Anne get a unexpected guest for breakfast that changes a lot. There's some lirry smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me all night to write. Enjoy. Xx

The following morning Harry woke and immediately realized Niall was gone. Harry sighed, he must've left sometime last night. It was a school night.

Just because Harry's life seemed to be falling apart it doesn't mean the world's on hold waiting for him. Things happen, and the world doesn't notice.

After all your life is just a spec of dust in the grand scheme of it all.

Harry's life problems weren't going to be on the night's news. He was an average teen yet Harry wanted someone to reassure him all of this was prosperous and unnecessary.

But there wasn't anyone.

He looked to his alarm clock and realized he woke up earlier than before. However Harry knew he wasn't going to fall back a sleep.

Not on a day like this. The last day in his boring old school, before being sent of to wherever this Louis guy lives.

In all honesty it devastated Harry that his mum made all these plans for absolutely nothing. He wasn't addicted to sex, that's ridiculous.

He was a normal, horny, teenage boy.

He wasn't different from the other guys in any of his classes. Maybe his mum was different. Maybe she was looking too far into things.

Despite the fact Anne could be a drag Harry didn't want to leave her. He didn't want to leave, period. Harry truly believed it was unfair to him.

How would you like to be told to pack up everything just because you enjoy pleasure? Harry angrily punched onto his bed. He kept hitting harder. He didn't need a therapist, he didn't want one, he was fine.

Is this what mentally unstable people felt like when they tried to prove their minds were okay?

Harry got up and walked to his drawers. He picked out a plain black jeans, and a white v-neck, grabbed a pair of boxers and headed to the bathroom.

He remembers a time where he had to share the tiny bathroom with his older sister, Gemma. God that had been such a nightmare. He found himself chuckling as he set the water to the right temperature.

He stripped of the only clothing he had on, boxers. He jumped into the shower and sadly it was like the night he had so blissfully spent with Niall rinsed away.

He hummed quietly and scrubbed his body clean. After he had washed out the conditioner from his hair, he stood there letting the water cascade his body.

Why was he so afraid of leaving? It's only three months. He decided he had spent long enough in the shower.

When he turned off the water he heard voices coming from downstairs. His eyebrows rose in confusion when he couldn't recognize his voice. Surely it must be a guy considering no girl could have such a deep voice.

He changed faster than he had planned, wanting to get a glimpse at the mystery man. He tried to style his hair but he had no luck. His hair was shit when it was wet.

He gave himself one last glance before dumping his clothes in the laundry basket and stepping out the door.

He closed it as gentle as a feather sliding across your skin. His footsteps seemed to float like a ghost's as he sat in the middle of the stairway.

He arranged himself so no one could see him if they look up the stairs, unless they went up the stairs.

"He's going to be so shocked!" He heard the guy murmur, which confused Harry even more. Did they mean Harry? Who the hell was in the house?

"Well we had planned that you would pick him up tomorrow, not today!" Anne in a hushed voice bickered. A sinking feeling rumbled in his stomach.

They had to be talking about him. That meant, the man down only a few steps was the man that could potentially wreck, or "fix" his life. That reality terrified him more than he was likely to admit.

Harry was scared yet so brave. You have one life, fear if anything is a useless emotion, that was what Harry thought when he wanted to shy away and get lost in the covers of his blankets.

Harry stood to his feet, tremors shaking through him. He had to do this. Harry's curiosity got the better of him. He knew it was too late to retreat when he made it to the last step.

He knew because the moment he looked up, he the stares of his worried mum and a man he hadn't willed himself to spear a glance at. Harry had to remind himself that Louis wasn't going to kill him, just take away pleasure from him.

If he thought Harry would turn into some religious nun, he was wrong. Harry wasn't ashamed of liking or wanting sex.

He knew it was natural, why the world overreacted? He didn't know. "Harry...uhm..this is Louis, Louis Tomlinson." Anne tentatively spoke. She said it as soft as if she were trapped in a cage with a barbaric tiger. And she didn't want to upset the tiger.

Accepting there was nothing he could do, Harry finally looked at Louis.

It seemed that almost immediately drool was forming in his mouth. Louis was...beautiful. Really beautiful.

His salt blue eyes went perfectly with his caramel dipped skin and dark brown fringe. He was perfect. Even Harry could see the little tummy hiding underneath his shirt; it was endearing.

Suddenly Harry wasn't too worried about living with this figure of perfection. "Hi." Harry was stunned. Louis grinned and Harry noticed the tiniest wrinkles by his eyes when he smiled.

Harry mentally whacked himself by the head for being such a sap. "Hi Harry." Harry couldn't help but imagine how that would sound if he was whimpering or screaming his name during sex.

He could feel himself get excited so he tried to clear his mind but it was stuck on replay.

"Why don't we have breakfast and then Louis could give you a ride?" Harry almost didn't notice she was talking to him but he caught on and hesitated but nodded.

Anne and Louis walked in front of him while Harry let his eyes wonder down to Louis bum. He wanted to groan at how firm it looked.

He could imagine his hand print indented on it in a flushed red from all the times he slapped it. Usually Harry was a bottom but he had to resist the urge to Louis there on his table, even though his mum was standing less than four feet away. He sat down quickly, as a way to hide his excited buddy.

Breakfast passed in a small chatter between the two adults and Harry couldn't have been more grateful when it was finally over.

Harry sprinted up to his bathroom brushed his teeth, finally combed his hair and headed to his room. He grabbed his backpack and something hit him in his heart.

This would be the last time for month that Harry would come into this room in the morning for his backpack. And no matter how attractive Louis may be, it didn't compare to the memories he had here.

When he got back down he saw Louis waiting patiently by the door. He shot Harry a smile which Harry responded with a fake one. It hurt to leave all his friends.

As they headed out the door Harry couldn't help but ask, "so where do you live anyway?"

"In the lower part of London, you'll like it. There's a teenage boy next door, he can help you around school. But be careful he's a little rough around the edges when you first meet him. But he comes around, and he's just a real good kid," Louis responded.

"What's his name?"

"Zayn Malik, he just turned 18, how old are you?"

"Seventeen, my birthday's in February."

They reached the car and Louis held his open as Harry got in.

"Ah mines in December. " Harry watched as Louis walked to his side and got in.

"So how old are you Louis?" Louis didn't look too old, and if he was, he was in great shape.

"Twenty seven." Harry expected worse, it actually wasn't horrible.

The rest of the car, they spent in peace. As soon as Harry was about to get out the car when they arrived, Louis spoke, "We're um..leaving this afternoon, do you want me to pick you up?"

Harry's heart chipped, he had yet to say goodbye to Liam. "No thanks, my friend will give me a ride." Louis seemed content with the answer. Harry didn't look back as he went in search of his other best mate.

Harry eventually found him in the football field, laying down in the center. Harry out down his bag and laid next to him.

He said nothing as he entwined his hand with Liam's. Liam squeezed it tightly. Just a moment of silence passed before he realized Liam was crying.

"Li..please don't cry, you're going to make me cry," Harry softly cooed. Harry snuggled closer to the other boy, to the point where his head was on Liam's shoulder.

"I'm sorry I just can't help it, we've never been apart for so long, and I'm going to miss you so much," Liam whispered, his voice an extra level of deep.

"You can always come and visit, it's only London," Harry said. They stayed there but they decided it was time to finally head to class.

"Li, can you give me a ride..on your dick?" Harry asked in the most innocent way possible. Liam choked on his own saliva, while Harry couldn't control his billowing laugh.

"I-I meant a ride home, oh my God you've should have seen your face! You were like "dick? Did you say dick?"

Liam's skin prickled a deep red before he chuckled himself. "Better yet why don't you ride my dick while I give you a ride home?"

Harry pecked Liam on the cheek before he skipped away. Liam wasn't really rough during sex, he was a pro. And he was huge, huger than his heart.

Most people didn't suspect that and almost no one found out that he had one of the biggest dicks Harry had ever seen.

The reason behind that was Liam only slept with me, Niall or his boyfriend at the time. But he has to trust his boyfriend completely.

During the school day Harry couldn't focus. He was on overdrive, with having to deal with this being his last day here and the anticipation of waiting to ride Liam's cock.

At the end of it, after he had said a temporary goodbye to his teachers and friends, he headed to the parking lot where he found Liam leaning on his car.

They shot each smiles as a greeting then got into the car. As soon as they were both in Harry planted a chaste kiss on Liam's lips.

Liam smirked and started up the car. While Liam was driving to Harry's heart, Harry decided to get a bit dirty.

Liam moaned softly when Harry pressed lightly on his crotch. Harry repeated the process except a bit faster. It didn't take long before Liam had a full on boner.  
Liam couldn't take it and pulled over, making sure no one was around, not that they cared anymore.

 

"Get over here," Liam growled and honestly it turned Harry the fuck on. By the time Harry had gotten to Liam's lap, Liam had pulled down his boxers and trousers to where his erection was exposed.

Harry struggled as he brought down his boxers and pants. Both boys released sighs when they're cocks brushed against each other. "W-we we uh need to make this quick, fuck," Harry panted.

The thing about Harry was his voice turns sounds so broken, it was the sexiest thing ever.

Liam nodded and kissed Harry, their tongues had an a never ending war. Liam moaned in the kiss when Harry wrapped a hand around his flushed cock.

Harry moved his wrist in a hauntingly slow fashion. "Oh fuck, don't be a fucking tease Harry, go, uh, go faster, " Liam whimpered. Harry smirked and leaned closer to attach his lips onto Liam's neck.

Liam whimpered when Harry let go of his dick. A new level of heat hit them both when Harry started to rut his hips for more friction.

"I-I can't, please Harry just ride my dick, ride it like I'm your last fuck," Liam growled.

Harry nodded and lifted himself while lining himself up with Liam's thick cock.

Harry knew he was still loose, he was fucked by Niall last night.

Both moans along with curses flowed out of both boys, as Harry lowered himself onto Liam. Harry gave himself a second to adjust before moving his hips in an eight figure notion.

Harry attached his lips onto Liam's as Liam thrust upward to go even deeper in the boy. Harry couldn't even remember his name, all he could think was about how good Liam's cock felt in him.

His breaths, and Liam's left in fast and heavy pants. Harry accelerated his pace to a speed he didn't even know he was capable of.

He didn't care about leaving, or who he was leaving, he just wanted to meet that soul sizzling orgasm. And he did.

Harry threw his head back and a low creature like sound left his mouth. Liam followed in less than five seconds later.

Liam rode out his higher and gradually stopped his thrusts. Before either could say anything Liam kissed Harry. And the force of it sent chills through Harry.

Harry pulled away and rested his forehead gently onto Liam's. "Best. Car. Sex. Ever." Liam breathed, causing Harry to blush and giggle like a little girl.

"Agreed, now let's get me home before my mum figures out what we were doing."

Harry winced slightly when he lifted himself off. They both adjusted their pants and hair back to normal, they agreed they looked casual.

When they got to his house he knew something was wrong when he saw his mum in the driveway. "Shit," Harry muttered.

"I'll get off with you, help her keep her cool so you can explain, I'll take the blame," Liam said grabbing Harry's hand, rubbing circles into it. "Thanks," Harry smiled.

Liam nodded and they got off the car. Harry smiled weakly at Anne and Liam draped an arm around Harry's shoulders.

"Hi, Mrs. Styles, please forgive me that I brought Harry home late, it's just a wanted to spend just a bit more time with him, I'm sorry. It was a selfish move, I don't know what I was thinking," Liam always won over Anne, he was perfect boyfriend material.

Anne always wanted them to become an item but gave up on the idea when no one made a move.

Anne's eyes softened and she sighed, "It's alright Liam, it's understandable. It's good to see you, I'll leave you to say your goodbyes, Harry's stuff is about done with being pack, I just need him to run over it and see if it's everything he wants."

Harry looked into her eyes, and the sadness caught up to Harry. For the first time since the news, Harry began to cry.

Liam wrapped his arms around the younger boy and Anne let out a muffled sigh. She walked away, wanting to give them privacy.

"Hey, baby, it's okay, look at me," Liam gently took hold of Harry's chin and lifted his face up.

Liam pouted and wiped the tears away. "Three months, just 91 days and you'll be back. This isn't forever, we can try to visit you every or every other weekend. We're not going to forget you, that's pretty impossible. "

Harry whimpered, "I'm going to miss you so much, I don't know what I'm going to do without you,"

"You're gonna live, try not to forget us. We're gonna miss you more than you can imagine. I love you H, I love you lots." Liam sadly said.

"Oh Liam, I love you too, more than you know, more than anyone knows." Liam leaned in and pulled Harry into a kiss.

It was short but it was passionate like they might never see each other again.

Liam regrettably pulled away and looked into the shining eyes of the boy he had known since he could speak. "Good bye Harry."

"Goodbye Li."

Harry watched as Liam walked to his car. He gave a rueful smile and a small smile.

He then walked into his house. As soon as he closed the door he was bombarded by an ecstatic Anne. "Why didn't you tell me about you and Liam?!"

Harry was confused until he realized she must have seen the kiss. "There's nothing to say, it was a good bye peck."

He rolled his eyes when he heard her scoffing, " you call that a peck?! That son was far from "friendly." " Harry groaned, "We're just friends Mum."

"Have you ever thought of being more? " Harry froze. He tried to fight the fragile blush crawling onto his cheeks, when he was younger he had had a crush on Liam.

That was the whole point of Harry asking Liam to be his first kiss. But the crush had always been pointless, Liam didn't feel the same nor would he.

"No mum, now let me go finish packing, in peace."

"Go ahead," she obviously didn't believe him. But whatever Harry was leaving. That was his priority, not old crushes.

He was leaving. And no matter how he felt, Liam wasn't coming with him.


	3. Car Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry says one final goodbye to his home and him and Louis head off over to London.
> 
> Maybe they flirt, maybe they don't.  
> Enjoy xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, pretty please check out my other story. Xx

Harry took one last look at his room, inhaling a deep breath. For some reason Harry was finding it extremely difficult.It was like stepping out the boundary of comfort. Out into a different world.

He knew Louis was attractive, that he would find a way into getting him into bed with him yet Harry was afraid.

Afraid Louis would transform into a monster once they left. Sure Louis was too die for but he was a stranger.

A stranger Harry wouldn't mind fucking.

For some reason Harry began to wonder what Zayn would be like. Would he be the athletic type? Or the shy, secretly sexy nerd? So many possibilities flashed through Harry's mind.

What color would be his hair or eyes be? How would he sound during sex? It had to be hot, he had to be fucking hot, someone with a name like Zayn had to be more attractive than the average guy walking down the street.

"Would he be more attractive than Louis?" Harry whispered out of no where. "Would who be more attractive than me?"

Harry jumped, astonished. "Wall, you talk?" Harry asked bewildered, the second the question left his lips, he felt indescribably foolish.

His embarrassment increased when he heard someone cackling behind him. He was pretty sure, his face was beet red as he turned to see Louis. Harry felt a bit breathless as he saw Louis gasp for air.

The way his eyes shone with pure amusement, and the way his chest puffed out, the way his lips were pulled out into the most adorable grin was indescribable.

Somehow it got Harry thinking how his lips would look around Harry's cock. Harry couldn't help but feel a little hot under his collar.

"So you think I'm attractive?" Louis joked, raising an eyebrow. Harry rolled his eyes, biting the bait. "Of course, but don't worry mate I've seen hotter."

Louis faked gasped, "Take that back!" Harry's lips let loose a giggle, not a manly sound, like a full on giggle. Harry covered his mouth while his cheeks burned even a deeper red.

Before either could say a word, in walked a tearful Anne. Harry's laughter was wiped away and all that was left was a rueful grimace.

"I'll go wait in the car, come down whenever you're ready." Louis stated, heading for the stairs. The two barely acknowledged him, but Anne did send a wimpy nod his way.

"It's only three months Harry, and then you'll be back. And you'll be a normal teenager again." Anne said, without realizing how harsh her words were to Harry.

The look on his face might have given it away because immediately she went to open his mouth but Harry shushed her, "No mum, I get it. You think I'm not a _normal_ teenager but you could have gotten way worse. I could be addicted to drinking or drugs. Although I'm not addicted to anything, for the first time, I'm glad I'm leaving." Harry looked at his mum with a blank stare but inside, that little comment hurt him a lot to say.

"Harry.." Anne began but he ignored her, and grabbed his last piece of luggage and walked to the stairs. "Harry!" She said again but he just kept walking down.

It wasn't until he reached the door that he turned to face her. He ignored the miserable look on her face because she did this to him, it was her fault.

So he didn't give her a sweet goodbye, instead he just said in monotone, "See ya in three months mum."And it left her with a tasteless feeling in her mouth.

He got into the car and said nothing as he put on his seat belt. "Everything good?" Louis' chirpy voice asked.

"Just drive," Harry sighed, then snickered under his breath because it sounded like a movie line.

Too bad that wasn't the case. Harry often wished life would be a movie, but life has no plot, just twists and turns. It stretches you out until you rip like a rubber band. And if Harry's life was a movie, it felt like if he had been placed under the horror section.

Harry wasn't sure if Louis wanted to start conversation nor did he care; he wasn't in the mood to talk. He felt sulky, pressing into the seat, hoping it would swallow him whole.

Harry got out his phone, along with earphones and plugged them into his ears. His body relaxed as he stared out the window. His mind was lost in the patterns of watching the buildings pass by, the people flashing in a blink.

Twenty minutes had passed when he felt himself gently dozing off, with how soothing the car ride was. So he allowed himself to shut his eyes, he only intended to for a few minutes anyway.

When Harry woke, he was a bit disoriented. He almost forgot where he was, _almost_. When Harry looked out the window, he only saw a forest of trees dashing past him. Long gone was the trace of another human being besides the one by his side.

Harry tried to stretch as much as he could in his seat. "How long was I out?" He groaned, as he sat up, his stiff back complaining. Louis hummed, "About two hours, I stopped at a gas station by the way, I didn't know what you wanted so I grabbed random drinks, and snacks. I was gonna wake you but I figured you wanted the sleep."

Louis pointed to three plastic bags by Harry's feet. Harry nodded, sending Louis an appreciative smile, "Thanks." His voice was almost shy, which stunned Harry. _Since when was he shy?_

Louis grinned back, turning up the radio. Leaving Harry to immediately recognize the song; Cough Syrup by Young the Giant.

The melody filled the song, and soon their voices began singing along. Their voices harmonized perfectly, like if it was destined for them to be singing together.

Harry couldn't help but think that Louis had such a wonderful voice. It wasn't like anything he had heard before. It was so pure, so sweet.

"You have a really beautiful voice," Harry sheepishly murmured when the song finally came to an end. "Ya think? I wanted to pursue a career in music, but at that time in my life, it just wasn't right."

Harry somewhat understood, "And now?" he pondered. "Now? Now I've gotten a job I love, is it as grand as singing? Maybe not, but I wake up in the morning and I look forward to work..I love it. I help people, and to me that is as good as it can get. I mean a do a couple gigs, every here and then. Nothing huge, just some clubs, or coffee houses. "

"That's pretty sick, I want to sing when I'm older, but at the same time, I want a calm and peaceful job, you know?"

Louis nodded, "Now open up some chips or something I'm starving." Harry laughed, before reaching down to retrieve the bags full of goods.

Harry decided on a bag of Doritos, and opened just a bottle of a raspberry flavored juice and asked, "You don't mind if we share a drink do? Because if you do-" before Harry finished the sentence, Louis chuckled, "Harry it's fine, I don't mind."

Harry couldn't help but say, "It's almost as if we're kissing." Louis raised an eyebrow, a habit that he did when he was amused, and Harry sent him a flirty wink.

It sent them both into a hysterics of laughter. "You're mum wasn't lying when she said you were extremely cheeky, "as if proving a point he reached out and pinched Harry's cheeks.

Usually Harry would have swapped away the hand but Louis' palm sent warm tingles through him. And Harry quite enjoyed the tingles.

"If you like those cheeks, you should see my other pair. " it wasn't as smooth aloud as it sounded in Harry's head but he went with it. It was too late to take it back.

Harry was a bit surprised when Louis giggled, " Mate if anything I'm the one with the good bum." Harry agreed in his head but he had to admit, he liked this bickering going on between them. Louis always appeared to have good comebacks.

"Yeah noooo." Harry empathized the no. "I do!" "Well then if you're the one with the better bum, that means I'm the one with the better penis."

Louis snorted, "Shut up, no." Harry was in a rush when he countered, "Wanna see?" Harry was sure if Louis had said yes, he would have shown him, but instead Louis laughed, smacked him on the head and said "No, for christ sakes, you're only 17."

Harry pouted, before he smirked, "But if I wasn't, you so would have said yes, right?" Harry noticed a faint little blush on Louis' cheeks, before he cheered, "I'm right!"

Harry laughed, "It's okay, Louis, I won't tell anyone, this stays  just between you and me." Louis looked at Harry bewildered, and Harry sent him a loud smooch.

Harry's smirk was broader when he noticed, Louis looked a bit flustered. "You make me feel like a pedophile, stop." Louis tried to have a firm voice, but he broke out a smile.

Harry hadn't smiled so much with anyone, even his best mates. Harry changed the subject, once he figured he had won. Louis thought he was attractive, and that for the moment was good enough for him.

"So how much longer?" Harry didn't mind being in the car with Louis, it was entertaining. "Not much, an hour and thirty minutes, forty minutes at the latest."

Maybe Louis could feel his nerves, because he told Harry, "You'll like it, it's a quiet neighborhood, and the school is very accepting of everyone's differences. And don't worry, I didn't tell anyone why you're really living with me, I just said you're the son of my friend. Which is the truth, no one needs to know the whole truth."

Harry couldn't help but groan, "You don't understand, I'm normal, even if my mum doesn't agree. There's nothing wrong with me. I like sex! That's it, it's not like I'm saying I like to kill cats with my bare hands!" Somehow admitting that to Louis was on another level of personal.

Louis' demeanor changed into a more serious mood, it almost slipped Harry's mind that Louis was actually his therapist now.

"Harry, it's not that she doesn't think you're not norm-" Harry cut him off in a heartbeat. "She thinks that! She told me herself!" Harry's voice hit of a note of pain, pain he didn't know was there.

Why couldn't his mum bloody understand he was fine? It exasperated Harry, that no one understood. Niall and Liam liked to have sex, yet they weren't being sent away.

"Harry it's just..she doesn't think it's healthy to have so much, you're young Harry, you're life shouldn't revolve around sex."

Harry frowned, defending himself, "It doesn't! I do another stuff too, I don't fuck 24/7!" Harry was close to desperation, Louis had to understand, he had to. "Really? Like what?"

Harry stammered to find an answer, "Like playing video games, going out, hanging with my friends and stuff like that." He prayed Louis would stop asking questions, because this conversation was one he was not ready for.

Unfortunately God didn't hear his prayers.

"How frequently do you have sex or masturbate?" Harry blushed at the intimate question. "Uh around four to five times a day, and some rare days I just masturbate. "

Louis seemed oblivious to the blush painted on Harry's face as he realized, Harry's has gotten more action than he had in all his life.

Before Louis could ask anymore questions, Harry begged, "Please no questions, please."

"Okay."

Harry let go a breath a relief. Harry wanted to curl into a ball and cry because even Louis didn't understand. No one understood. The rest of the ride was quiet and Harry's heart sped up as houses started to replace trees.

He whimpered, forgetting Louis was by him, and shut his eyes. He could almost act he was home. But it was pointless, there was no going back; they had arrived.

Harry's lips remained shut. His eyes were closed as well, as Louis drove into his drive way. He had somehow gotten a small house, that was sufficient for him, around two years ago.

That was when he had met Zayn. Zayn became his friend, and a bit of his patient. He knew Zayn's household was broken, but Zayn never said much.

"Harry, we're here." His vouce as soft as a recently washed blanket. The calmness in his voice engulfed Harry. Harry breathed in deeply as he opened his eyes.

The adorably small house, was a soft eggshell blue, with a lime green. From what he could see the curtains were white and the door was the color white as well.

As he stepped out the car, he noticed Louis had a little garden of roses on the left side of his porch. His fence was just plain and a woody color.

It didn't look bad, but maybe he should paint it white. He helped Louis with his luggage, and followed Louis up to the door. Harry's heartbeat was a drum in his ears.

Louis smiled encouragingly as he opened the door. Harry doesn't know what he was expecting, chains and whips? But what he saw was a comfy, inviting home.

The warmness of the house did help his nerves. He would be staying here for three months, and nothing could change that.

Louis toured the house, showing him where the bathroom was, welcoming to have whatever he what from the kitchen, showing him the living room, and lastly his room.

Harry walked in first and Louis watched his reaction carefully. He had asked Zayn to help him out.

Harry walked to the bed, threw his stuff on it then himself. The blanket was a dark, navy blue, since blue was a calming color. The room was just a tan color, but Louis told Harry he could paint if he'd like.

The room, just had a brand new, black desk, a chair to go with the desk, a bed, a dresser, then a mirror on the back of the door. He also informed Harry he could put up any posters.

Harry nodded, "Thanks, but can I be alone?" Louis wasn't offended by the question, he understood it was all a big transition for Harry, so he just asked," Does pizza sound good to you for dinner?"

Harry's grin was dim but he nodded. "Okay well, my room is right next to yours so don't hesitate to ask for anything."

"I won't, " and with that Louis left the room. Harry let the smile drop as he wandered through the room.

He stopped in front of the window by his desk and started to tear up when he realized, that when he looked out there, he couldn't recognize anything.

He lived in Holmes Chapel for so long, Harry knew the streets better than his own heart but looking out, he knew he was just an outcast.

And for some reason, that just broke his heart.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masturbation hey.
> 
> Oh and you meet someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it babes xx

"Fuck. Fuck yes. Fuck me. Just l-like that," Harry whimpered not breathing enough air. Louis' filthy moans filled the heavy air. Louis thrust harder into the younger boy and he enjoyed the tightness hugging his cock.

He grunted when he looked down and saw how destroyed Harry looked. Harry looked like he was ready to come untouched, that had never happened to Harry. Harry rolled his hips against Louis' thrusts, feeling his orgasm right around the corner.

Sweat was dripping down both their bodies, and a bit of Louis' sweat dripped onto Harry face. Harry was oblivious to it as he reached up to connect their lips.

Just as he was about to kiss the hot older lad he woke up.

Harry was so confused and disappointed as he looked around the room. He groaned when he realized he had fallen asleep and had a very,  _very_ sexual dream of his therapist. Harry saw it had only been roughly thirty minutes and he wondered if the pizza had came yet.

On cue Louis knocked on the door saying, "Harry the pizza just came, I ordered it a bit late sorry, " His voice was a bit muffled but Harry understood. "Okay. Thanks!"

Harry knew it wasn't smart to go out the room with the guy he had fantasized about but it was almost like Harry wanted Louis to notice. He wanted to see what he would do, he wanted Louis.

He looked down at his erection and he knew he had to get fucked tonight, he needed to. He had only had sex once and it wasn't enough. For now all he had was his hands but Harry knew it wouldn't suffice. He needed to get laid. 

Harry fixed his pants so his boner wouldn't be too obvious. He took and deep breath, stepping out the room and towards the kitchen. He heard a muffled "bye," come from Louis as his feet silently padded into the kitchen.

Harry didn't say anything when he saw hang up the phone. Louis grinned at him before handing Harry a foam plate and Harry raised an eyebrow at him before Harry got to say anything Louis stated, "That way we won't have to wash dishes tonight."

Harry nodded and Louis handed him a cup full of what looked like Pepsi, this time it wasn't foam. He and Louis ate the pizza a bit more classier than pigs yet still not like they were at a five-star restaurant.

"I wanna go out to-" Harry nervously began before a knock interrupted. Louis shot him a sheepish look before going to get the door.

Harry frowned when he heard a feminine voice screech, "Baby! I missed you!" Even though she had said only four words, Harry disliked her. Hearing her pulled at his stomach uncomfortably.

He heard their footsteps entering the kitchen making Harry abruptly get up and put his cup in the sink. He silently threw away his pizza, wanting to get the hell out of there. He didn't want to interrupt them and he especially did not want to be in the house if they had sex.

That would make Louis a hypocrite, since he and Anne have been telling Harry not to have sex. God, adults were confusing and hypocritical.

Harry turned and sent the girl a fake smile. Her hair was a bit golden at the end and her body figure was like a twig. She wasn't ugly, hell he'd fuck her in different circumstances but he just didn't like her. Harry couldn't explain it but if she offered herself up to him; Harry would refuse.

She grinned and Harry wanted to barf when he saw Louis' arm wrapped around her waist. She was practically laying on him.

Harry told himself he was grumpy because the situation was unfair.

"Hi! I'm Eleanor, Louis girlfriend!" Her high voice said and she grinned at him. Harry forced himself to grin and he looked into Louis' eyes, somehow that smile became a little more forced.

To Harry the atmosphere felt tense but maybe he was the only one uncomfortable. "So H-" Louis began to speak but Harry firmly cut him off, "I'm going head out tonight."

Louis furrowed his eyebrows and Harry could tell he didn't approve. However Harry purposely acted oblivious to it." But Harry, you just got here, don't you want to stay?"

Harry felt bad because maybe Louis actually wanted to spend time with him. Instead he just said, "Nah, I wanna get used to my surroundings a bit. Plus I want to give you two time alone."

"No it's okay."

"Thanks so sweet!"

Louis and Eleanor answered right at the same time. While Louis groaned quietly, Eleanor giggled. "Let him go if he wants to baby, but Harry you're welcome to stay if you'd like. I'm not going to drool over Louis all night." _No but I might_ , Harry thought.

He watched as a soft smile spread across Louis' face and how he pecked her on the lips as a sign of love. It made Harry sick, not because it was Louis or anything it was just Harry didn't like relationships.

He liked sex too much to have anything serious and no one had really caught his attention before. So even though Harry had slept with more people than average teenagers ever might, he had never had a boyfriend nor girlfriend.

He didn't think he'd ever get a girlfriend, he liked fucking them but afterwards they never wanted more either. Harry didn't exactly consider himself a player since he told each person he wasn't looking for love just sex.

He didn't lie to them and tell them he wanted more, he told the truth and it was always their choice if they wanted to continue. Harry wasn't an arse, he never wanted to be one.

He wasn't exactly one who humped and dumped, he kept contact but that was as far as it went. The only people Harry had ever fucked more the once was Niall and Liam, no one else.Everyone was just a one time offer and usually everyone agreed with him.

"Okay?" Harry blinked back into reality when he saw them both staring at him and all he could say was, "What?" Louis chuckled briefly, "I said you could but could you go with Zayn so you won't get lost."

Harry felt dumbfounded and nodded. He smiled as he realized he would finally meet the mysterious Zayn.

"I'll be ready in 30," Harry hollered dashing up the stairs. As he dug through his luggage, he picked some tight black jeans and a simple black tee. He had no idea where he was going so it seemed casual yet not too casual.

Just before putting on his pants he decided to have a quick wank. Without hesitation he still thinking about the dream he had earlier. He was in some sort of a daze as his wrist moved to a faster pace. He leaned on his wall for support. He moan quietly as he fucked his hand, wishing Louis was fucking him.

He repeated Louis' name in hushed grunts and soon he found his release. It had been quick and sloppy but he would make it up to himself when he fucked someone.

He cleaned himself up, threw on some pants and fixed his hair. He looked over himself once more before grabbing his phone and heading out the room. He jogged down the steps and heard Eleanor and Louis talking to someone. Nerves and excitement shuttered through him.

He came to a halt once he saw the drop dead gorgeous boy in front of him. When he looked into those melting caramel eyes, it knocked out his breath.

He could see tattoos peeking under the leather jacket he had on. He gave off the bad boy vibe, it turned Harry on.

"Hi, I'm Zayn."

His voice was like fucking sexiness meeting dangerous and it blew Harry away. "Harry." Harry wanted to jump his bones then and there but he knew he couldn't. But he would soon, he had to have Zayn. He _wanted_ him.

"Louis, why don't we leave them to themselves and stop acting like parents," Eleanor cooed. Louis shrugged but allowed her to drag him up the steps. For the first time that night Harry was glad Eleanor dragged Louis away.

"So where we headed?" Harry asked after they walked out the house.  "To a school's football game," Zayn's gruff voice answered. Harry shivered, regretting not to be bring a sweater. Zayn must have sensed it because he intertwined their hands and it was like a warm embrace to his hand. 

"It's probably ending, my mates on the team and if they win there'll be a celebration, usually at the beach or someone's house, thought you'd like to come," Zayn answered leaving Harry a smile. 

"Sounds like fun." 

"It sure is. I'll introduce you, they'll like you but remember I liked you first." Zayn winked at Harry and they both laughed.

"Trust me, I will." 


	5. Zayn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zarry action, Jealous Louis?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry I haven't updated! Hope this makes up for it; enjoy.

Giggles erupted from the two tipsy boys as they exited Josh's car. Josh had only had one drink so he figured he should drive them home, considering they were pissed.  
Josh had been the host of the celebration party, however he didn't drink since he liked to watch how people made a complete fool out of themselves.

This time was different. He watched Zayn stare hopelessly at Harry and he just knew that Zayn was already infatuated with the seemingly younger boy. It was then Josh decided to make sure nothing got in their way.

They both deserved to be happy; especially Zayn.

He chuckled as he watched them giggle and stumble to where Mr. Tomlinson lived. He knew that was Zayn's best mate, although he was a bit older.

"Harrry!" Zayn moaned loudly just to bug Harry and Harry tried to send him a glare but he ended up hugging Zayn with a goofy smile. Zayn wrapped an arm Harry's waist as he looked under the special rock that held the spare key.

Zayn placed a finger on his lips as if to say "Shh." Harry only nodded and sent him a tipsy grin. Which Zayn couldn't help but return.

They scurried into the silent house. They bumped into each other and they erupted into more giggles. They ended up leaning against the wall, with Harry underneath Zayn.

Harry muffled his childish laughter by pressing his lips onto Zayn's clothed chest. Harry pulled away, pressing his head on the wall while looking into Zayn's eyes.

"Well hello there," Harry smirked feigning innocence. And Zayn couldn't but press his body onto Harry's a bit harder. He focused on the way Harry's eyes fluttered and became a shade darker.

"Can..can I kiss you?" Zayn whispered never losing eye contact. He didn't miss the way Harry's eyes warmed when he smiled lovingly at Zayn.

Both of their hearts were racing as if to see which one would explode first as Harry nodded. Harry closed his eyes, anticipating the kiss.Zayn drew in an excited breath as he lowered his face until their noses were touching.

Then he kissed him.

It was tentative at first, a bit passionate. It blew them away and Harry never wanted it to end. It stirred so many feelings in him as he raised his hands onto the back of Zayn's neck.

He played with Zayn's hair, messing it up. Usually Zayn would have been angered but for the first time he didn't mind. He actually enjoyed it more than he would ever admit.

As the kiss grew harder so did their cocks. Zayn gasped as Harry rolled his hips into Zayn's, looking for friction.

Harry smirked, which was wiped off when Zayn's hips collided with his. Their breaths became evidently heavier with each thrust. "Za-zayn please.." Harry begged, he couldn't explain what for but it seemed Zayn to understand exactly what is was.

He grabbed onto the back of Harry's thighs and Harry took it as a sign to jump, so he did. He wrapped his legs around Zayn's waist. Harry was surprised Zayn carried him so swiftly up the stairs considering he was a bit taller and his body was a bit more bulky.

But Harry didn't focus on that for too long as he told Zayn where his room was.The second they made it into Harry's room Zayn dropped him onto the bed. Harry propped his elbows up keeping his upper half hovering about the bed.

He made eye contact with Zayn and the look in his eyes made him grow harder, as if that was possible. Zayn threw off his shirt, revealing a series of tattoos on his chest, and arms that Harry had never really noticed. He blamed the leather jacket that Zayn had been wearing.

He watched Zayn rip of his pants and toss them to the side; his eyes never left Harry's. Harry's clothes were the next thing to go. His whole mind was in a daze as he rapidly discarded them, leaving him in just his tight boxers.

The room was beyond hot, almost a clammy heat. But the boys did not notice.

All they could notice was each other.

Zayn pushed Harry to lie flat on his back and climbed onto the bed to straddle his waist. Harry whimpered like a dirty whore when Zayn leaned into kiss him and start palming achingly slow. Zayn kept it at a teasing level as their tongues met.

Harry started to grow impatient at the slow level and begged, "Ple-please..Zay-yn.."  
And then Zayn just stopped.

Harry let out a high pitched whine, that sounded extremely desperate even to himself. Harry looked at Zayn with the most frustrated look he could bear and Zayn looked at him with a sheepish smile.

"I..was..kinda..you know..um wondering if I could take you out on..a..uh..a..date? Ya know before we have sex," Zayn blurted out shyly.  
Some of Harry's frustration melted; along with his heart.

He never actually thought Zayn wanted that, that he even wanted that himself.

Despite how many times he's been with someone on a sexual level, he's never been on an actual date, yet that didn't stop him from saying, "Sounds good to me..but I've never been on a proper date..even if I'm no longer a virgin..I hope that doesn't bother you?"

He was a bit worried Zayn would change his mind but that wasn't the case considering Zayn grinned at him.

"That actually makes it all so much more special, I may not be your first, in that aspect, but I get the pleasure of being your first date. And that to me, means the world."

Somewhere along Zayn's beautiful little speech Harry lost himself in the eyes and he knew, just knew, that since he moved here, and after meeting Zayn, he would never be the same.

And that precious moment was over when they realized they both still had raging boners. Harry groaned and muttered," what do we do about that now, I won't sleep."

Zayn smirked at him mischievously before seductively whispering, "Just because we won't go all the way, doesn't mean I won't help." Harry moaned into the next kiss Zayn brought him into.  
Harry's hands roamed Zayn unusually soft back as the kiss got rougher.  
Zayn pulled away just tear off Harry's boxers, leaving him on full display for Zayn's lustful eyes.

This time it was Harry who smiled tauntingly when he heard Zayn suck in a sharp breath. "Damn baby who knew you were so goddamn big," Zayn muttered before removing his own boxers.

Before Harry could respond, Zayn was straddling him again. And they couldn't help but moan a bit loud when their hard cocks rubbed ever so slightly against each other.  
Harry reached down and took a hold of Zayn's erection and Zayn closed his eyes tightly.

As Harry began moving his wrists he studied the image in front of him. Hearing the way Zayn's breath became ragged the faster Harry's wrist moved.

He watched the way Zayn struggled to keep open and the way his rosy lips parted, trying to take in more hair. He felt the way Zayn would thrust into Harry's hand. 

And the sight was almost enough to make him come. 

Harry could tell Zayn was close, _really_ close, so it came off as a shock when Zayn took hold Harry's cock, moving his wrist rapidly. Harry let out a surprised groan. 

Soon they were both just moaning messes and boys racing to come first. Zayn was the winner of that race, Harry came shortly after him. In fact seeing Zayn come is what sent him so far of the edge, he was blinded with pleasure. 

They sighed in content, after they caught there breaths. Zayn climbed off Harry and they scrambled under the covers, shielding their naked bodies. Zayn snuggled into Harry, draping an arm around his bare chest.

"Thanks for not getting mad of me for not sleeping with you," Zayn whispered, catching Harry way off guard.

He would never get mad at someone for not having sex with him, he wasn't going to force anyone. He wasn't that type of guy.

"I would never get mad at you for something like that, just like I would never force myself onto you." Harry whispered back, which was the last thing said between them that night.

\-----

When Harry woke, he was confused as to why someone was sleeping next to him until he remembered what happened between him and Zayn. A complacent smile grew onto Harry's sleepy face. 

Harry didn't care for the time as he gingerly separated their tangled limbs and sneaked out the room. He was practically skipping of glee into the kitchen when he jumped at seeing Louis making eggs at the stove. 

He heard Louis chuckle, "You should have seen your face mate, you looked like you were going to shit yourself; priceless." 

"Ha, ha I'm glad I amuse you," Harry bit back, trying to hide the small smile on his face. Louis rolled his eyes and went back to work on his eggs. Before Harry could reach the refrigerator Louis curiously asked, "So how was your first night here, and how'd you like Zayn?" 

Harry wanted to giggle, considering what he and Zayn did. And as much as fun as it had been Harry couldn't deny the slightly throbbing headache he had. "It was fun, funner than I imagined it would be, and Zayn..is wonderful. I like Zayn quite a bit." Harry said it in a dreamy tone, when talking about Zayn. 

Although everything he had said was true. He hadn't expected to even have anything close to fun on his first night here. Yet it happened, and it was all thanks to Zayn. Even though he didn't fuck anyone like he was planning to, he did get some action, so Harry couldn't complain.

"Well that's great, I'm glad you guys hit off so well. Feel free to invite him over today, if you'd like. I have to go over to the office, for like three hours, then we can all hang?" 

"Sounds like a plan, but Zay-" Harry began to explain, about to inform Louis of Zayn being here but Zayn appeared. He walked into the kitchen with a grand smile on his face, however Louis' was far from smiling. 

"Zayn? What are you doing here?" He asked, eyebrows furrowed. "Stayed the night, wha'cha making?" He asked in a chripy voice. His eyes lit up as they made contact with Harry's. Harry smiled hugely and walked over to him. 

"Harry..you know you're not supposed to.. _you know_..right? You know that right?" Louis asked sternly, looking Harry straight in the eyes. "Oh really, I'm not? And who's gonna stop me? You can't." Harry snapped back, growing upset. No one said he couldn't and even if they did, that didn't mean he'd listen.

Louis sighed before answering, "I'm just..I'm advising you not to. At least not so often." Harry didn't even have to look at Zayn to know he was confused. So he didn't, he kept looking at Louis. 

"Well thanks for the advice, " he said his voice dripping with sarcasm, "And even if it's not any of your business we didn't have sex, so don't get too jealous, Mr. Tomlinson." 

Harry didn't give anyone a chance to respond as he stalked down the hall and into the bathroom.

\-----

After Harry had returned from the bathroom, they all sat down to have a slightly tense breakfast. For some reason that conversation had seriously bugged Harry. No one was going to stop him from having sex. 

Despite before him and Zayn kept sending each winks and flirty looks and Harry could practically feel Louis feel annoyed..or jealous. Harry knew he wasn't sure if Louis was really jealous, but he probably wasn't considering he had a girlfriend and didn't even like Harry in that way.

And the fact he had a girlfriend stated he was obviously straight. Harry knew better but he couldn't help but check him out, secretly. 

Harry wanted to curse him for being so goddamn attractive in the morning. His hair was messy in just the right way, he had this sleepy look in his eyes, that was downright adorable. The more Harry stared the more he realized Louis was truly adorable. 

Whereas Zayn was seductive and sexy; Louis was adorable and just plain kissable. 

Harry knew that if he had to choose between, he'd never be able to choose. They were beautiful for entirely different reasons. 

But he didn't have to choose. 

\------ 

After the breakfast was over Zayn told Harry he was going over to his house to shower and insure his mum that he was alright. Harry understood and told him he'd miss him, then Zayn laughed and called him a sap. 

But that wasn't the end, Harry was walking behind Louis, going to his room. And he couldn't keep his eyes off Louis' bum, even though he was pretty sure Louis knew he was staring. 

Just as he was about to enter his room, when Louis called out his name. Louis walked over to him, stopping really close to him, to where their chest were touching. 

Harry forgot how to function as Louis leaned up and whispered, "I'll stop being so jealous, the day you stop staring at me when you think I'm not looking." Harry had to hold back a shiver when Louis kissed right under his ear before walking away. 

Okay so maybe Harry wasn't so sure Louis was straight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder if my writing's ever turned someone on. Hope you liked it x


	6. Mixed Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smutsmutsmut. Cute & romantic smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omfg idk how I feel about this, I wanted to make it longer than usual. Enjoy x

A _whole_ week. It's been a full week of Harry living in London and he was barely getting hang of the system. On a positive note him and Zayn have been getting along.

They've given each plenty of messy and quick hand jobs and maybe it wasn't sex but it kept Harry a bit satisfied.

However Harry had started to feel like it wasn't enough, he needed to be filled up. And although he and Zayn weren't official he couldn't help but feel guilty when he invited Liam over for the weekend since Niall had to go to his aunt's wedding dinner rehearsal.

He and Liam had been invited, Liam was planning on going to the official wedding but Harry had yet to discuss it with Louis. Despite whatever Louis said, Harry was going. Liam was planning to stay the weekend and on Sunday they'd drive to the wedding together.

It was Saturday, he was starting school on Monday, and he was tiding up his room before Liam arrived when Louis knocked on his door. "Harry..I have to leave for the office in about an hour, do you want to have breakfast together?" Louis asked, his voice muffled by the door separating them.

Despite everything Harry couldn't help but get excited every time Louis wanted to do something together. He remembers when they went out to eat dinner at this really last restaurant a couple nights ago. Even though Harry knew it wasn't a date, he couldn't help but feel it felt like one.

Harry realized he hadn't answer Louis and faintly blushed before saying, "Yeah, sure, I'll be right out." Harry threw on some gray sweat pants, deciding to stay shirtless. Harry has become comfortable enough not too worry about wearing shirts around Louis. 

"Okay, I'll start making the eggs! It's your turn to make the pancakes, I did it last time!" Louis replied and even though Harry would never admit it he actually enjoyed making Louis food. It made him feel needed and somehow appreciated. It was weird but Harry never saw too much into it.

He and Harry still haven't had their first "official" therapy session but he knows Lou is dying to have one. But Harry isn't ready; he doesn't need it. He just can't understand why everyone made such a massive problem of his sexual activities. Maybe they were just jealous. 

Harry tried not to let it bother him too much because he'd get no where with that. As Harry walked out his room and down the hall, he pushed those problematic thoughts away because it was useless to think about it.  
And a part of Harry didn't want to get 'fixed' because then he'd go back home.

As much as Harry loved everyone back home, and as much as he missed Liam's and Niall's company he couldn't deny he liked being in London.

He liked what he had going on with Zayn. He liked spending countless moments messing around and chatting with Louis. He loved the longing stares he'd get walking down the street or in the grocery store when he'd go with Louis.

He loved the subtle way Louis would tense every time a guy would hit on Harry.  
Sometimes he didn't even think the lad was fit he'd just flirt with him to see Louis grow annoyed. It was so amusing to watch.

Sure it'd only been a week but it had been a very long one. 

"Harry, why the hell are you just standing at the doorway?" Louis snapped, staring weirdly at the boy who had a dazed glint in his eyes. Louis couldn't help but marvel at the way a blush fluttered onto his cheeks. 

" 'm sorry, just lost in my mind," Harry said shrugging. Louis only smiled and shook his head in response. "Start on those pancakes, we can't stay here forever." Louis finally said, stirring his eggs. 

He froze when he swore he heard Harry mumble, "I wish we could." But he acted like he didn't because he doesn't want to know what Harry meant by that. 

Louis loved having the lanky boy around, he ate a lot and moaned too loud --though he found it hot however he wouldn't admit that even if he was dying-- he liked his cooking, his way of talking, the way his eyes lit up every time he laughed, even his awful jokes. He loved the company he brought. 

Louis was constantly alone, besides being at work, because El being a model she was gone for long periods of time. Sometimes Louis wondered how he kept the relationship going but he never doubted his love for her, he doubted _her love_ towards him.

He was just Louis, plain ol' therapist, Louis. 

And he couldn't even be there with her as she traveled the world. Regardless of what may happen between them he always wanted the best for her. And as a therapist he knew it wasn't good to keep his insecurities from her but he couldn't bring himself to tell her. Who wants to sound like a clingy sap?

So yeah he couldn't say he hated having Harry around. And he couldn't say he didn't find him attractive. After all he did date a guy before he met Eleanor. So yeah he wasn't 100% straight but he hadn't looked at another human being since El. 

 The two lads worked in harmony, quietly humming two different tunes but somehow it just clicked. "So nervous about starting school?" Louis asked, once they finished cooking and sat down to eat.

Louis wanted Harry to be comfortable and though Harry didn't look like the type to get nervous, he knew it was a rough accumulation. No one could blame him for asking. 

Harry should, swallowing a bit of food before answering, "I guess? I dunno, I mean it's weird, my first new school that wasn't in my hometown. So yeah, maybe a little, but hey? At least I'll Zayn and his friends so it won't be _too_ bad." 

Louis hummed in response, trying to think of the best advice he could give Harry but he had none. It was high school, late in the year and the people there had grown accustomed to each other.

But he was _Harry_.

And Harry was so charming and likable, so Louis deemed he'd be fine because he's not ugly and neither is his personality.

"Just..don't think too into it, it won't do you any good. Go with the flow. And I know high school's a drag and teenagers now are shit but it passes by faster than they ever say it does. Then again I did graduate from high school like nine years ago, so what do I know?" Louis finally said.

Harry stated silent for a second, processing what Louis had just told him. And it actually made Harry feel a teeny bit better than before. Harry sent Louis a kind and genuine smile. It was far different than his usual smirk.

It brought out the more boyish side of Harry's face and Louis couldn't help but think it was adorable. But Louis corrected his mind, telling himself it was adorable in the way you'd like at a baby and say it was adorable, not in the _I-would-date-you-because-you're-so-adorable way._ "Thanks Lou," Harry replied before digging into his food once again.

"Anytime."

\-----

Louis grabbed his keys and was about to unlock the door when Harry called him out. "Yes Harry? Hurry please." Harry sucked in a deep breath because he had sprinted to catch Louis before he left because he knew today Louis wouldn't be home until five.

People sure liked to talk about their problems on Saturdays.

And Harry had yet to ask for permission to attend the wedding. "Um. Well Niall's aunt is getting married and he really wants me to be there. It'd make all more special. And I know I have school but I won't stay the whole time, just the ceremony and some of the reception, just like till the cut the cake? Liam's coming over so he can give me a ride back, and since he hasn't gotten his kidney surgery yet, he can't drink and he can give me a ride back. Please Louis? I just need this."

Louis had just expected him to ask if he could buy pizza or something, even though they had just eaten, so he was a bit caught off guard. And then he realized Harry had never asked if Liam could come over but then again Louis wanted Harry to feel at home.

Louis couldn't help but feel pressured because he had so little time to make up his mind for this. He was partly nervous because what if Harry had sex when he's supposed to get used to not having it so frequently.

Although he noticed how Harry wanks daily and way more than anyone should and how he gets Zayn to do him .. _favors_. He could tell Harry wasn't used to not getting laid. He could see it. Anyone probably would able to.

Suddenly Louis had a brilliant idea, "I'll let you go on one condition," Louis paused letting Harry butt in. "What? I'll do anything, I'll even blow you." Harry had thrown that last bit in just to revel in the way Louis squirmed slightly as he looked flustered and surprised before he regained some of his cool.

"No. I don't want _that_. I'll let you go if you have your first session with me. Like an official one, it doesn't have to be in the office, it'll be here. And by the way what are you going to wear, you have no suits."

Harry looked somewhat caught off guard and yet a bit smug like if he had been expecting it sometime soon. "I have to go, deal or no deal?" Louis stated, grabbing hold of the door handle.

"Deal." Harry said quietly.

Louis nodded and opened the door. He flinched in surprise at the young teen smiling sweetly at him. "Well today's full of surprises," he muttered quietly and remembered it must be his friend Liam, so he just said, "nice meeting you, gotta go. Have fun boys!"

Harry watched as Louis dashed to his car, sending him one last wave as Liam walked in and Harry shut the door. "So what do you wan-" Liam didn't have time to full ask because Harry's lips were firmly on his taking his breath away. Once Liam shook off the pinch of shock he kissed him back, equally as forceful as Harry.

"Where's your room?" Liam mumbled into the heated kiss and Harry said something but Liam didn't understand. "What? Harry, lead the way, I'm not going anywhere babe," Liam kissed him before Harry sighed at the way he called him babe and took hold of his hand.

Harry tried to ignore the way Liam entwined their fingers because that stupid crush Harry had had on him had began from the moment he had first met him. He met him before Niall actually.

It felt kind of special leading him into the room for the first time. Liam walked over to the bed and Harry walked over to him, straddling him. They joined into a gentle kiss that did wonders to Harry.

Liam was rarely this gentle, it was like when they had done it for the first time. When they had given each that little piece of themselves, their virginity.

Harry reeled in the feeling of Liam's lips on his and the way Liam's hands slipped so softly under his shirt exploring that part of Harry. They silently broke the kiss as Liam threw off his shirt.

Liam shivered because of his skin adapting to the coldness in his room another part because Harry's hands were on his bare chest, tracing lightly on his skin. Harry moaned breathlessly as Liam rolled his hips up into Harry's.

It was slow and taunting, it had Harry wanting more.

During the kiss Liam laid back, Harry now laying full on him. As much as Liam liked the way he felt under Harry's body, he flipped them around so now Harry was under him.

"You look so good like this babe," Liam whispered kissing Harry's neck softly, as if he were a ghost.Harry whimpered at his words and at how Liam had found his sweet spot.

His back arched slightly as Liam bit firmly yet lightly over that spot then soothed it over with sweet kisses and flicks of his tongue. Harry knew what he was doing, he was leaving his mark and Harry kinda loved that.

Harry then would be able to look at it and remember this wonderful night. Harry knew very well Liam could be an animal in bed but somehow this side of him was exactly what he needed.

The part of him that made him forget the world. Made him forget Zayn and _almost_ forget Louis.

Liam paused to take off his and Harry's pants. But before taking Harry's off he teased Harry by kissing a trail down his chest before reaching his hips. Harry groaned when Liam pressed a hot kiss onto his clothed his erection before unbuttoning his pants.

He looked up into Harry's dark eyes and winked. For some reason that made Harry even harder. Once both pants were out of sight, Liam began palming Harry in a teasing manner over his boxers.

"Where's the lube? " Liam asked in a gruffly voice sending chills through Harry. Harry let out whimpers as he pointed to a little drawer in his desk. Liam palmed him a bit harder making Harry moan loudly before going to retrieve the lube.

Liam didn't want to use a condom and Harry knew he was clean, he had gotten a check up like two weeks ago. And he had slept around with people he knew didn't have an STD. And he always used a condom anyway. But this was _Liam_ and he didn't need one.

Liam came back with no briefs on and lube in his hand. "Need preparation?" He asked, the cap making a loud pop as he opened the lube. For the first time in forever, Harry nodded. He noticed the way Liam smiled mischievously at him, like he was proud to be the first to sleep with Harry in a while.

Harry didn't want to mention Zayn and he certainly did not care about Louis telling him he shouldn't do this anymore. _Because what did they matter or know?_ They didn't know the way Harry felt as Liam pressed a lubed up finger into his tight hole after he had thrown his boxers to the side.

They didn't understand the desperation he felt as he asked for more, and more he got. They didn't know the way Harry loved this. And they didn't know they way Harry loved it more when it was with someone he cared for.

No they didn't know so why should Harry listen?

Liam pulled his three fingers out when he was sure Harry was ready, and Harry whined in response. But Harry's whine was cut off he pulled his knees up to his chest harder than he had before watching Liam spread lube all over his cock.

Harry stared at it like a starving person stared at a piece of food; like he _needed_ it. Liam smiled at him before adjusting his tip in line with his contracting hole.

Gingerly he pressed in causing Harry to throw his back and moan. Liam took hold of Harry's shoulders as he pressed him self even deeper until his balls were right against Harry's ass.

Liam grunted and Harry moaned like a porn star but Liam loved it. He gave Harry a few seconds to adjust before he sent him a tight nod, signaling he was ready. Liam smiled reassuringly at him, bowing down to bring Harry into a passionate kiss as he began to move his hips.

For a few minutes he went gently slow and the room seemed so much hotter. "Fafaster please," Harry slurred and Liam obliged moving his hips a bit faster. He also moved in his thrusts harder that their bodies moved with the force.

As Liam went faster, they got louder and never lost contact. Only when Harry came and Harry closed his eyes muttered Liam over and over, and Liam came soon after him. But Liam stared at Harry while came undone and he just kept whispering, "Harry, harry, oh harry." He actually seemed more broken than Harry usually did.

After it was over they laid under the covers with Harry's head laying on Liam"s chest, listening to the rapidly steady beat. It had a calming effect on Harry and Liam just traced his bare arm, enjoying having the boy so close after being away from each other so long.

A week felt like a month, Liam couldn't imagine what a month would feel like.

\----

Somehow they found themselves dancing, naked, in Harry's room, giggling and sharing sweet kisses and touches.

And Liam didn't to leave and Harry didn't want it to end.

They sang along loudly to the song booming from the his radio --well it was Louis' but Harry found it and now they were borrowing it-- and Harry laughed so loud. The kind of laughter that you throw your head back and your body sorta shakes from the force of it.

Yeah, that kind of laugh. And Liam couldn't help but stare at the adorable boy.

"Kiss me." Liam said and Harry did. It continued like that until they calmed down and sat on his floor as Harry told him everything, even Zayn. Harry couldn't help but frown as Liam frowned when he mentioned him.

Even though it was ridiculous but it felt like Harry was cheating. Like if he was cheating on Zayn or Niall or maybe Liam since he was with Liam first. Whoever it was Harry felt like it was wrong to use Zayn the way he did, he felt as if it was wrong that he hadn't stuck to Liam or anything. Like if it was wrong to fantasize about Louis. Although they never cared when he fooled around with other people.

It was like Liam had read his mind because he said in a very quiet voice, "it's okay if you wanna be with him, just tell me if you want this to stop." The way Liam said it made Harry feel like Liam was hurting.He crawled over and sat on Liam's lap kissing him. "I would never want that."

Sure Harry was having mixed feelings about what he was doing but one thing was for sure; he never wanted to let Liam go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like the story so far. I hate to disappoint. Please leave comments and kudos, they make me a happy author. Happy late easter btw love you lots. xx


	7. Night of Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally....Larry!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You bitches better love me after this, I know it isn't smut but this is how it starts. So be patient my little (idk what to call you guys) and enjoy this bc I love writing Larry, even fluff. So. I love you, I can't believe this story is at 4000 reads. That's wow. X

_Sobbing_.

 _Sniffles_.

 _More sobbing_.

Harry was wondering his dark hall to the last room, Louis' room. It was around midnight. Louis had come home and him and Liam got more comfortable with each other. Liam used his usual charm to whisk Louis away and it worked, for the most part.

There were still moments where he would catch Louis staring at Liam's arm that was wrapped around Harry's shoulder. And at one point Harry wondered if it bothered him because he was jealous but then it dawned on him that Louis must be confused. Confused because he and Zayn have been getting cozy but here he was with Liam acting like they were married.

It almost felt like they were but Harry just couldn't stop thinking about Louis. Louis kept buzzing around his mind. It bugged Harry how much Louis consumed his thoughts but Harry just said it would pass. He couldn't and would not feel anything for the hot lad he lived with.

One; it was illegal, two; he would be such a whore, three; Zayn, four; Eleanor.

He remembers the slight disappoint he felt when Louis headed to his room once he got a call from the _ever so lovely_ Eleanor. He had such a bitter taste in his mouth just at the mention of her existence. He wondered if Liam noticed but then again Liam's mind was probably set on a new mate.

It stuck Harry as weird that the possibility of that occurring didn't bother him. It didn't leave him with the tight twist in his heart and lungs. And that, well, was beautiful because maybe, _just maybe_ , Harry would finally let go of the ridiculous crush he's had for Liam. It felt so good not to be so close to Liam like before because he could breathe and finally let go of Liam.

Of course he'd keep fucking him because you know, the sex is **wow**.

But there's a moment in your life when you know somehow the feeling won't fade entirely however it will reduce until you it allows you to fall in love again. Love was a bastard and somehow Harry just knew that was the reason Louis was whimpering in sadness behind the closed door.

A door, if opened by Harry, could change their relationship. Maybe it'd make them closer. But Harry didn't care about that, he just cared about Louis hurting. And how he did not like seeing nor hearing it. So with utter confidence he opened the door and entered the room.

Harry had not yet muttered a word as he quietly shut the door. All that could be heard was Harry's nervous breath and Louis' uneven cries. "Louis?.." Harrry whispered into the dark, wishing he could see the piercing blue eyes he has grown used to. Yet Harry knew that even after a week of knowing Louis it would break his heart to see him cry. Harry was just that type of guy, people grew on him faster than his own heart beat.

And it was beating pretty fast at the moment.

It was complete silence until Louis let out a wet sob. "H-haarry?" His voice sounded so broken, like a glass cup that had been tipped over the counter and despite what you tired it could never be fixed, in that moment, Louis was the broken cup. 

" Yes?.." Harry replied snaking his way through the foreign room, it was then Harry remembered he'd never been in here. "I..I..she broke-" Louis whined, the room filling with an inexplicable sadness, and just as Harry was going to reassure Louis he didn't have to keep going, Louis kept going.

"Fuck..she's been with a lad..cheating- fuck..why?! Why?! Was I-I not enough? Did I? I dunno! What did I d-do?! Harry, why?" Harry joined Louis on his bed. He wrapped his arms around the sobbing man and realized how fragile Louis really was.

He sat there rage flowing through his veins because why would she do that to Louis? Who in the fuck would be stupid enough to give up a guy like him?

"1 Year and 3 months of my life. Jus-just like that and sh-she couldn't, didn't want to hurt me. But god." Louis sobbed some more, his face muddled into Harry's bare chest. Despite the wetness of the tears he pulled him closer, tighter.

"It's okay, she didn't and will never deserve you. Ever. You deserve to be treated like a fucking king. Because god, Louis you are beautiful. And I know it's wrong to say that but it's the truth. Everything about you is goddamn gorgeous." Harry spoke quietly, placing his chin upon Louis' head.

The sobs stopped but there were tears flowing down his cheeks. "You-u really think that?"

Harry sighed before answering, "I believe with it all my heart." In a way it was true. Harry knew he wasn't in love with him, it's only been a week after all, but what he said was true. Louis was one of the most beautiful human beings Harry had met.

And it wasn't just outer beauty, it was his inner beauty too. While on the outside Louis looked like a sex god, he was a fucking goddess on the inside. He was full of surprises and each second was like eating a bag of jelly beans, blindfolded, you never knew what you would get but it was always wonderful.

So yeah maybe Harry wasn't in love with Louis but Harry wouldn't mind spending forever with him.

Louis relaxed and for a second they just laid there, in each others arms and Harry couldn't deny the fact that he loved it. Still, that wasn't the only thing on his mind. He actually wanted to know what Louis was feeling, he cared and he wanted to help.

"What are ya thinking?" Harry said, breaking the comforting silence. The tears were dry but Harry knew that Louis was crying on the inside. "How it's unfair that here I am hurting, loving her and she's out there fucking some random model. A fucking model. But I don't blame her. He probably doesn't have a stupid little tummy he can't get rid of, he's more likely more muscular, and mor-"

"Shut up." Harry was growing upset of how Louis thought of himself. He liked the little tummy Louis had. He liked that he had a better bum than any girl ever will.

"Shut up. I like those things about you because that makes you, you. There is no other Louis, a guy who sings and is a therapist and makes good tea, and takes in an 'abnormal' boy, whose voice sounds like an angel, who looks like an angel and a demon clashed together. You are you. And if Eleanor did not appreciate that, then fuck her and her need for completely normal and boring guys. I would choose you over my favorite porn star in heart beat. You, Louis, can not compare to anyone in the world. And maybe she hasn't realized it but when she does it'll be too late." Harry felt a little breathless by than end of his speech and a little embarrassed because it sounded like he was obsessed with him.

"Who's your favorite porn star?" He asked, catching Harry off guard. "Jake Bass," Harry muttered as his cheeks grew a bit hot but it didn't matter; Louis couldn't see him. "Damn. I'm better than Jake Bass. Wow." Louis said and Harry could hear the smile in his voice.

Harry felt a wave of relief crash over him, Louis was no longer crying. He was still hurting but at least there were no more tears. Harry never wanted to see Louis so distraught again.

"Yeah..that stays between us, I don't want him finding out, I still want a chance with him," Harry joked, silently praising God when he realized Louis was still in his arms and Harry was becoming quite fond of the feeling.

Louis snorted before asking, "What's the deal with you and zayn and that bloke, Liam?" Apparently relationships were the topics of the night. Although Harry wouldn't consider himself in a relationship.

"Erm..well..Zayn and I..well we're not official we're just really _friendly_ and Liam? I've known him since I was like four and we've always been really close. I'd never admit this to him but I had a huge crush on him and that was the whole reason why I asked him to be my first kiss. I was the first person and boy he kissed. I remember him saying we had to keep it a secret in case people found it wrong. And we did. But I never cared for homophobic people, I actually feel bad for them," Harry confessed.

It felt like he was slowly revealing his secrets. He liked the rush that came with it. See Liam knew almost every fact about Harry, so it was different having to introduce the sides of himself to Louis. Somehow it felt magical and Harry did mind it; not one bit.

"Why do you feel bad for them?" Louis asked quietly, making Harry fear that he was basically cuddling with a homophobic. Before answering that question he began to say," Are you a hom-"

"No. Not at all, I welcome it." Louis blurted and he felt the way Harry's whole body relaxed as if it had really terrified the boy.

Seeing as Louis wasn't going to add anything else Harry continued, "I feel bad for them because they're blind, because they don't understand that there's more than one definition of love. I feel bad that they're not ready to accept the reality that you're born with it, that it's as beautiful as a boy falling in love with a girl. So what if they say mean words and tear me down? It's a natural instinct, they're reacting in fear. And I don't have to live in fear and to me that is amazing," Harry smiled at the end of his tiny speech.

He meant every word. He didn't hate those who damned him to hell, sure he got upset, but he didn't hate them. He knew there's just people who don't understand it, sometimes because of their religion, sometimes because of how they were raised. But Harry no longer hid his sexuality because he had nothing to be ashamed of.

If anything Harry felt that it made him more beautiful. And it also meant he could fall in love with anyone.

"You're really something you know? I wish I had the ability to be confident like that, I mean about my sexuality, I'm not really open about it," Louis sheepishly admitted.

Harry smiled even if Louis couldn't see it and couldn't help but ask, "What is your sexuality anyway?" Harry felt like that question was a bit too personal but hey, they were opening up to each other. Who knows when he'll have an opportunity like this again.

Harry felt Louis shrug before muttering something that Harry couldn't make out. "Say that again and louder, it's not like I'm going to judge you," Harry said with hope spurring inside of him. Maybe Louis was into guys. And maybe Harry finally had a chance.

  
But that hope was crushed when he remembered Zayn, Liam, Niall and the fact that Louis just got dumped, he wasn't the guy to take advantage, not to forget he didn't want to send Louis to jail.

Yet he couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to be with Louis. To kiss Louis. To hug him. To share laughs and countless conversations with him. He wondered what it felt like to fall in love with him.

He pondered on how it would feel to be loved by him. Then he remembered he didn't fall in love with people. He had causal crushes but the fact he's never had a proper boyfriend or girlfriend bothers him like it never has before.  
In a way he felt jealous, jealous of how Louis knew how it felt to be in a relationship.

He felt disturbed for a split second that he's never had the whole dramatic proclamation of having fallen in love with someone or the romantic kiss in the rain. He's not going to lie, he wouldn't mind having one of those moments but he's never grown too attached to people.

He pushed his own thoughts away when Louis finally began talking, "This is embarrassing but..like..I don't even know. And I know that probably makes no sense but even I'm confused, I'm twenty-seven years old and I can't even figure that out, God I-" Harry felt bad that Louis thought it was horrible to not know. When in reality it was no big deal, it was understandable.

"Louis," Harry sighed trying to think of the right way to explain, "It's perfectly okay you don't know. No one expects you to have everything figured out. The only way to know for sure is to experiment, try new things. But don't put yourself down for not being sure. Just answer this, what has you so confused?"

It fell to a calm silence that only lasted a minute before Louis said, "Eleanor." Harry remained quiet letting Louis begin his explanation," It's...I..just..ugh.. I had dated a couple lads before I met her. One in high school, he was the reason I came out, and one in college. And yeah it was fun. They both introduced me to new things. Robert, my first boyfriend showed me it was okay to fall in love because yeah love is love. He taught me not to hide from reality but that it was still alright to enjoy life.

"He opened me up and showed me the harsh bitterness that came with heartbreak. Then Max, the college guy, gave me a new perspective of the world. He introduced me to the real world, to the fun and difficulty of a real relationship. He showed me that even though love hurts you, it doesn't mean you have to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. And because of that I figured I was 100% gay, I didn't even look at girls. Some girls looked at me, flirted even but I just kept thinking, 'you're not what I want,'" Louis paused sighing like his mind was stuck in the past.

Like if remembering was a stinging kiss of bittersweet pain on his lips.

Harry still didn't say a word as Louis continued, like if he needed to, "I really thought I was gay, I didn't think about girls. I was sure I didn't like them. Yet when I met Eleanor it was different. Well actually at first I thought she was some random bird. Like I thought she was cute but while I was starting to tell her I liked dick she kissed me. And that was that. At first I didn't react, then my body had it's own plan. And I asked her out. The only girl I even spared a glance.

"It was strange but the relationship got better, we were close. We spent a lot of time together before she left for her first trip. After that so many trips cut through us, I dunno, somewhere during that, we lost what we had. I still felt a faint spark when we touched and I was still happy when I saw her. But the weird part is, it was like the your-an-old-friend-i-haven't-seen-in-forever type of way. With each time she left we were slipping through. I guess she just fell out of love with me."

Harry nodded and took the opportunity to speak, "Maybe she realized you weren't the one." He tried to say it gently, but even he knew the words were harsh.

He was a little surprised when Louis just mumbled, "I think we both always knew that." Even Harry could feel the way those words stung and they weren't even towards him.

"You'll find the one, I know it." Harry replied. All Louis did was nod but Harry knew he was deep in thought. "Harry are you gay?" Louis asked after what seemed like an eternity.

Harry had to think a second before answering, "I..well.. I like people. I don't date girls, I haven't even been on a real date much less had a relationship. But I do like spending more time with guys then girls but girls are pleasuring during sex. So you could say I'm bisexual."

Louis sat up and Harry almost whined before Louis put his hands on Harry's chest, pushing him even farther into the comfy mattress. "You haven't been on a real date?! Have you even had a kiss that didn't lead to sex?!" Louis' spat and his voice had disbelief swimming in it. 

Harry couldn't help and compare Louis' reaction with Zayn's. Louis made it seem like it was a crime. 

Harry was glad Louis couldn't see the embarrassed blush planted on his cheeks. Harry didn't want to make it seem like it was a big deal so he just shrug. A simple shrug, it set Louis off.

"Bloody hell Harry! How is it you've had more sex than I have, with me being on this Earth longer, yet I've had more dates than you?! Like how- what?" Louis stopped mid-rant because Harry giggling. Fucking _giggling_  and Louis thought it was adorable, so he stopped staring at Harry's lips like the pedophile he felt like he was. 

"You're making it seem like you just found out I'm the devil's son." Harry coughed out, smiling at Louis, even if Louis could barely make it out. It was beginning to get easier to see, considering the sun was coming out. 

"I would be surprised if you were...you make me feel like doing some very sinful shit with you." Louis murmured the last part in a very quiet voice, praying Harry didn't hear it. Although a part of him knew Harry did and it helped that Harry said nothing of it. He just kept smiling smugly. 

How could someone be so beautiful? It seemed impossible, it should be illegal. Yet it was like Louis was seeing Harry in a different lighting and he couldn't stop the dopey smile spreading on his face. 

He knew that if the circumstances were different, he'd be more than happy to be with Harry. He could see it. The whole future thing. 

But that wasn't the case.

And this was happening.

Nothing Louis did could change that and it almost made Louis mad. But if things weren't the way they were, Louis wouldn't have met Harry. He wouldn't have discovered how lovely the boy was. And it was that thought that popped Louis' bubble. 

Harry was just a boy and Louis was just a sick man who could not keep himself from imaging things. 

Plus it would almost feel like he was using Harry to be his re-bound. And in no way did Harry deserve that. Not the Harry that finally stopped his tears. Nope. 

"-Okay?" Harry said gently pushing Louis off. "Sorry what?" Louis seemed genuinely embarrassed he had blanked and Harry just chuckled, sitting up. He turned so his feet were dangling only so far from the floor. 

"I said, it's getting really light outside, so I should go back to my room okay?" Harry was biting back a smile but Louis was the opposite. He felt slightly --more than slightly-- disappointed Harry was leaving him, even if it was just to go down the hall. 

Wow, Louis sounded pathetic. 

Louis smiled half-heartily and followed Harry off the bed and towards his bedroom door. It felt like he was saying goodbye to a date. Which was exactly what Louis shouldn't be feeling. 

Harry was out his door and turned to tell Louis something, whatever it was Louis never found out, when it happened. It was brief, rushed and sloppy but it was still a kiss. 

A fucking kiss. 

And all Louis could spit out was, "Thank you for not letting me wallow in my tears and for allowing yourself to be my shoulder to cry on." With that he shut the door. 

He left Harry in the hallway, even more confused than before, with tingles on his lips, a heart that seemed to want to run away and a _slightly_ more complicated life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? Thoughts on the chapter? Ily xx


	8. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events after the kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am beyond sorry about the late update! I wasn't quite sure how I would go with this chapter and I had a lot of homework. But nevertheless here it is in all its glory. I hope you like it. Thanks for reading, it makes me really happy and confused as to why you would read my shitty writing but here you are. I wonder if anyone actually read all this. Lots of love. X ( Happy birthday to Cory Monteith, rest in the heavens you beautiful soul.)

A person should be able to tell their best friends anything right? So why had Harry kept shut about the kiss? There he was at the wedding, watching his two best mates dance and giggle.

What was wrong with him?

The morning had been awkward as Louis tried to leave as quick as possible and Liam was oblivious to the tense feel in the air. Harry was kind of glad Liam didn't notice because then Harry wouldn't have to explain.

He couldn't explain even if he wanted to, he didn't even know what that was. Sure, it was a kiss, Harry wasn't stupid but he couldn't figure out what it meant. It had to mean something. He wasn't sure how he'd feel if it didn't.

He kept telling himself it was just a thank you but he wasn't sure, he didn't want it to be just a thank you kiss. He wanted it to be more and that terrified Harry for so many reasons.

He wasn't in the best mood with the confusion, the silence that came from Louis, and the lack of sleep. Harry was just a tired ball of emotions. He couldn't help but feel hurt. Louis hadn't spoken to him at all, not even a goodbye, just headed out the door and Harry didn't really want to go back. He wasn't sure how it would all be.

Plus he would have to have his first session, so yeah the timing of the kiss couldn't have been more shitty.

Harry was just baffled and Louis was just a blank canvas which really pissed Harry off. He decided he had to use the session to his advantage; he'd get an answer somehow. Harry had his ways, he wasn't going to let this go.

With some determination he chugged the glass of champagne he managed to sneak into his hands and got up to where he found his friends. He was young and attractive and his friends were here; he wasn't going to let some lad ruin his night.

\-------

"Shush!" Harry giggled as he opened the door. It was around three in the morning. He left later than he had planned and he knew he would regret it considering he had school later in the day but hey, he could deal with the consequences later.

Liam and Niall leaned against the doorway and Harry knew he couldn't invite them in so he gave them over exaggerated kisses on the mouth and sent them away. He giggled to himself as he saw Niall fall when they made it back to their car.

And somehow in his subconscious Harry knew it wasn't right, wasn't smart, to let them drive drunk but he forgot about that since he was too buzzed to remember why he was at the door in the first place.

He shut the door and a silent darkness enveloped him. He stumbled through the dark, using the walls as guidance as he made it to what he was sure was his room. He was wrong. He knew that when he walked in to Louis pounding some random guy into his mattress. Harry's inside twisted and burned as he watched for a few more seconds. Their moans echoing in his mind, he cringed. Harry choked on his breath and shut the door before they could notice.

Harry felt sadness and disappointment swallow him as he made it to his actual room. Tears began to form in his eyes, blurring his sight. He didn't bother with his clothes, he just laid in his bed.

He hated crying when he was laying down because the tears would drip into his ears but he didn't care this once. He never cried for things like this but it seemed appropriate. Besides the fact that he was a drunk mess and highly emotional, he realized something. His speculations were true.

It was nothing.

That wonderful kiss had meant absolutely nothing to Louis, which Harry partially saw coming. He was nothing but a kid.

However that didn't lessen the pain in his heart. And Harry wondered why it was even there, why he was crying over Louis who was fucking some guy down the hall. But the tears wouldn't stop and all the joy from the night was sucked away.

What Harry hated most was the bitterness that came when he thought of the previous night, when he opened up and Louis opened up. He hated that the precious sweet swell that would hit his heart was gone.

He hated that kiss.

He hated that it happened because it was like one out of three kisses that did not lead to sex. Harry fell asleep with that hate in his mind and with tears drying on his damp face.

\------

When Louis woke the next morning, memories flooded his mind. He had nothing to say but a low groan. He was unavoidably conflicted on the inside, it felt like he was torn in two, playing hot potato with his thoughts.

The rational side of him knew he was in deep shit if Anne or any one for that matter found out. And he also realized he potentially damaged his friendship with Harry.

Louis sat up quickly and was startled when he felt a warm body by him. Until he remembered the hot lad he had invited over. A part of him wish Harry didn't notice. It'd only make it worse. Although Louis made no sudden moves to leave his bed, it was like he couldn't be in his bed anymore. He and Harry had been so close, so intimate in a form, right here in his very bed.

Louis had no idea what drove him to do such a reckless action that night. Or he tried lying to himself and kept saying he didn't. But deep down he did. It was the moment where his prince came in, saving the day; Harry in that moment had been everything Louis ever wanted and needed.

Harry had been his prince charming.

The careless side of him, used up all his bravado and kissed him because he knew there would be no other opportunity nor another way to show how gratitude. And as much as he denied it, he knew he had loved it. He liked the chaste feel of Harry's lips press against his own. He liked the warmth that bloomed from deep inside of him. He liked the way he had to tip-toe just a bit to reach him.

He liked it; which made it all more dangerous.

How was he to look into Anne's eyes ever again? How was he even to look at Harry?

As much as it pained him, Louis knew he had to push Harry away. He has to. At the end of the day, Harry is still his 17 year old patient and Louis' still his 27 year old therapist.

Nothing can change that.

Even if Harry was 18, he wouldn't be with him. He just couldn't take these precious years from him. These are the years you spend partying and falling in love with the parts of the world you haven't seen yet, he shouldn't be tied down to man who's closer to than age of 30.

He felt the bloke stir so Louis took the opportunity to climb out of bed and threw on some briefs. He walked into the kitchen, wondering where Harry was since they always had breakfast together.

Until he felt his eyes widen in realization and he stopped right in his tracks. It was his first day and he hadn't even been there to wish him luck. Maybe Harry hadn't left yet, Louis crossed his fingers and hoped he hadn't.

But when he walked into the kitchen it was empty and the digital clock on his microwave read it was around 12 in the afternoon. Not only did he feel like an asshole, he also had a session in an hour and a half. He had to kick the young man out.

He didn't feel too bad about it, the guy knew it was just meaningless. To Louis it was just rebound sex. The guy winked at him, told him it was fun and maybe they should meet up sometime, Louis only nods and closes the door. The dude wasn't even that hot, the alcohol must have tricked him into believing he had been sleeping with a Zac Efron look alike.

Clearly, he had not.

Louis had gone to a club, wanting to drink away the sinking pain in his heart and the confusion in his whole being. But now that it was the next day, Louis did the most cliché thing ever; he cried in his shower.

Not wanting show weakness he left his salty tears mingle with the warm water. Because yeah, he kissed an underage patient, he liked it, he felt like he was using him, he didn't have breakfast with him, his patient was coming soon and of course not to forget the horrid breakup.

It stung when he knew she didn't really regret it, she wasn't hurting. And he was. Just. It all wasn't fair. He's an idiot yet people still come to him for advice, they pay him to figure out their lives when he can't even solve the problems to his; it made no sense.

 Louis finished his shower and dressed like a lazy fuck because today just wasn't the day. Ten minutes after he finished dressing into respectable clothes and threw his sheets into the washer, his doorbell rang. He knew it was his next patient, the only patient to come to his house for sessions besides Harry; Zayn.

\--------

"So Harry, how ya liking the school?" One of Zayn's mate, Andy, asked while they sat in a table at lunch. "Erm..it's better than I thought it would be," Harry answered, hiding the unpleasantness he felt. He was drowning in humiliation for even considering Louis might have felt something.

It wasn't that Harry felt anything, it's just it was a bigger deal than Harry thought it would be. He couldn't even focus and to add to the cause, Zayn didn't arrive to school. Luckily, his friends recognized Harry, so it was too horrible but it did feel incredibly lonely, not just because of Zayn's absence, but because of his best mates as well.

He couldn't help but feel so out of place. Usually him and Liam would be arguing about who was right about the situation and Niall would come barging in with a random thought. They would just stare at each other before laughing, then they'd land into a different topic. They would melt into each other's company and it was great, it was familiar, it was just them.

It was then he realized he terribly missed them, his school, even the jackess Derek who always hit on him. He missed the feeling of belong there more than he thought he might. And it was strange.

He spent the rest of the lunch just listening, no arguments, no bubbly giggles from Niall, no smart comments from Liam, just laughs and smiles. It was completely ordinary and unappealing.

After lunch ended, he rushed to his next class not caring if he got a little lost. Luckily, he didn't, a girl came up to him, asked him if he was lost, and it turned out they had class together. He managed to get a seat by her. The class, social studies, wasn't too shabby. The teacher was funny, Mr. Windall and Jade Thirlwall, the girl, had been very helpful. She was fit too.

Somehow they ended up agreeing to shag at his house after school and Harry felt giddy with glee. He hadn't realized how much he needed a release. She also informed him, she didn't want a relationship, just something casual and less emotional draining.

It was perfect.

So at the end of the day, he met her by her last class and they walked home. As they walked through the door, Harry heard noise coming from the living room and figured Louis was home. Harry kinda wished he wasn't. But then again what did it matter? "Harry? How was school?" Louis question, emerging from the living room.

Harry wore a mask of blankness as he met Louis' eye, seeing almost pissed him off. He just shrugged and watch Louis' eyes land on Jade. He watch them barely fill with surprise and more with discomfort and slight anger. He figured it was because he knew why she came and he didn't approve but since when did that stop Harry?

Harry watched Louis plaster on a false smile and ask, "Hi! Harry who's this lovely girl?" _Oh you know the girl I met at school, who I want to shag so could you hurry this up because you're just stalling_ , Harry thought, bemused.

Instead Harry just said with a flat voice , "Jade, I share a class with her and she came over to hang. " Jade smiled, not too oblivious to the tension and did a little wave at Louis. Louis seemed to have gotten the point that they did not want to waste time and chat. He kept smiling and nodded, "Great, well I'm Louis, it's grand to meet you, I'll get out your hair and let you go. So have fun, I'll be in the living room if you need me."

Harry nodded rapidly, grabbing Jade's hand and leading her to his room. The urge was getting to him. As soon as he closed the door they began making out. As it became more and more heated, there was less clothes. Once they were bare, Harry reached for condoms and such because there was no way in hell he'd get her pregnant. He loved kids but he was still too young.

While they were doing it, he made sure she screamed, and scratched, it was almost as if he wanted Louis to hear. Wanted him to see what he was missing, wanted him to be jealous.

By the end of it they were both breathless and Jade muttered, "That was the best I've had in a long time." Harry didn't agree but it was good, it just felt like it could have been better. She went home thirty minutes later and Harry had to eat a quiet dinner with Louis.

As he was swallowing a forkful of spaghetti Louis finally broke the silence, " 'm sorry I wasn't there to wish you good luck on your first day of school." Harry fought the urge to roll his eyes because even though he had woken up with a hang over he remembered what he saw when he accidentally walked into Louis' room.

" 's fine, I knew you were busy so" Harry muttered, trying to sound not so gritty.He saw out of the corner of his eye the way Louis momentarily sulked in guilt. Harry pursed his lips because he couldn't get over the fact that the kiss really didn't mean a thing.

It seemed Louis knew Harry was thinking about it because he breathed out, "Harry. " Harry wasn't ridiculous, he knew Louis wanted to talk about it, knew he wanted Harry to taste the form of rejection that came with the reality that it really was just a kiss.

But Harry just didn't want to, he didn't want to feel Louis' pity when he realizes Harry wanted to see what could happen if it had been more than physical, so Harry just ignored it and replied, "Have you spoken to El?" He knew it was harsh and nasty to bring up such a sensitive subject, including the fact he used her dear nickname.

He saw the way Louis' body winced and ignored it. Ignoring things in hopes that acting like they weren't there would mean they'd evaporate. He noticed the way Louis' voice sound strained as he answered, "No. Not since Friday." Harry hummed in response, nodding as well, and just went back to finishing his spaghetti. He wanted to get away as soon as possible.

As he finished his last bite, Louis said, "Your first session is tomorrow, the sooner we get started the better, these three months aren't meant to be wasted." Harry really didn't want to have a session but he nodded in confirmation anyway. He knew for a fact there was no getting out of it. It was going to happen whether he or Louis wanted or not.

He got up and went to the sink, he distracted himself by washing his plate. It didn't last because then Louis joined him and being that close, to where he could feel the heat slipping off him, was overwhelming. He just wanted to scream and everything he was feeling was foreign.

Just a kiss, nothing at all, not a big deal, he kept thinking. He wanted to smack himself because his brain just wouldn't shut up and he knew Louis wanted to talked, the water was too hot, Zayn wanted him, Niall and Liam weren't there and everything was just too overbearing.

He felt even worse when he remembered he hadn't called his mum expect for the time he had informed her that they had arrived safely. But even that had been brief and hasty. He shrugged off the guilt and dried his plate.

As he walked he heard Louis do the same. He's surprised Louis had said nothing or maybe he did and Harry was just too lost in his thought bubble that he hadn't heard him. Of course that silence didn't last as Harry made it into to his room.

Just as he was going to close his door, Louis blurted, "Harry we're gonna have to talk about it sometime." Harry inhaled sharply, this was one raw topic he wasn't ready to discuss.

"And that time isn't now, night Louis." He answered curtly, before shutting his door.

If Louis had wanted he could have walked over and opened it and demanded to be heard but it never happened. Harry groaned as he threw off his shirt and removed his jeans. He laid in bed and sighed because everything was just horrid.

He closed his eyes and thought back to the time to when he found a bird with a broken wing in his backyard. He thought about how he had been so conflicted in helping it or just letting it remain there.

In the end he helped it but he couldn't help and wonder what if Louis was his little bird expect this time with a broken heart?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? I really like feedback, I wonder if anyone waits for my updates like I do with my favorite stories. If you do; you're awesome and I love you. If you don't; I still love you. X


	9. Session 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> S'more larrrrry moments and other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter is edited.  
> Enjoy, lots of love x

_**'** Have you ever felt lost in this world? This world is just a vast space of land filled with opportunities and failures. A world where each step is an earthquake to those around. The choices we make, even the smallest ones, indirectly affect everyone. This is a world where it isn't chance, it's the cause and the effect. And my actions are the cause and now is the effect.' _Louis thinks as he sits in his couch, watching the sky and using it as his clock.

He hasn't moved, hasn't been able to. He was stricken with fear, a fear of confrontation. He knows Harry's going to want to know why Louis had kissed him so suddenly but Louis didn't even know. And that made it all the more worse.

It had been no one's fault really, just an idiot and a naive boy who happened to just have a moment.

Louis shouldn't be nervous about this session, Harry's just a patient and this is his job. This is my job, Louis states to the empty room surrounding him. He feels his breath stop when the door jiggles.

\-------------

Harry enters the eerie quiet house with a worried frown on his face. Since last night, a sense of guilt has washed over him. He realizes that, yes Louis kissed him, yes it didn't mean anything, yes he fucked a lad, but Harry had no real reason to react the way he did.

Louis isn't his and Harry did do stuff with other people, like giving that guy in his gym class a quick blowjob and get one in return when they were changing. Which was really fucking stupid of him but he honestly couldn't help it. So no it wasn't right for Harry to let anger get the best of him.

And then there was Zayn.

The same Zayn who wanted to take him out, sent him an icy glare before walking away when he saw Jade kiss his cheek. But they weren't dating, didn't he know that? However he knew Zayn wanted more and that was strange and weird. Yet Harry did feel guilty, but he just couldn't stop messing around with other people.

He walked into the living room and grew slightly nervous when he saw Louis sitting there on the couch. Their eyes met and Harry wanted nothing more but to turn away.

It puzzled Harry why he was so worked up over such a silly mistake. That's all it was, the kiss, a silly mistake that happened when the sky was on it's twilight and feelings were confused. It was just a thank you, Harry decided, he shouldn't make such a scene about it.

It happened. And now it's over.

Harry cleared his throat that felt a bit raw before murmuring a quiet hello. He saw Louis suck in a breath, "I hope you're ready for your first session." Harry hid his frown and nodded while saying, "Um..yeah okay, let's get this over with."

Louis got up and walked towards the hall and told Harry, "Follow me to my study please." Harry scampered behind Louis, trying not to dread why he was doing this.

But Harry figured the sooner he acted like he was cured or whatever the sooner he would leave, despite what he would be missing if he left.

\-------

Louis watched Harry take a seat in a comfy chair in his tiny study which he rarely used with someone who wasn't Zayn. You might think why doesn't he just use the living room? Well it's because Louis considers this a safe room, where the world can't touch you. Nothing that's said in the room is discussed out of it.

That's the rule, one that's never been broken.

"So Harry, let's get started with some simple questions, yeah?" Louis asked, switching into his work mode. Harry nodded and asked, "aren't you gonna get a notebook out and write down what's wrong with me?"

His tone wasn't harsh but Louis still frowned as he answered, "I don't like to do that, I'm here to help you as best to my ability, not to judge and analyze you. I consider all my patients friends, you included."

When he was in the Uni some of his mentors taught him it made people feel more secure if we didn't write down every word, if we didn't right at all. And since then, that's been Louis' strategy. Harry smiled slightly and nodded, "Okay, yeah let's start." Louis saw the way his hands stuttered in a nervous pattern as they traced circles into the arm of the chair.

"Harry, it's okay to be nervous you know? I know you're not broken, okay? But you need to understand that you're addicted to sex, even if the idea seems ludicrous to you, it can be a real addiction. It's one thing to have a lot of sexual intercourse with one's partner, it's another to have lots of sex with a different person multiple times,every single day." He sent Harry a ginger smile, he didn't want to offend the boy. He saw the lingering frown on Harry's face.

Before he could state something else Harry beat him to it, "The idea that sex shows a bad sense of character is ridiculous, my sex life shouldn't determine the level of my mental health. So I enjoy having sexual intercourse on a daily basis, so does every other teenager, it does not mean I am incapable of controlling my dick.

I don't screw everything with a pulse. I am just a person who enjoys being pleasured and inflicting pleasure onto others. I choose to do it, not because I need to, but because I want to. I could go a week without sex if I wanted to but I don't have to. Sure, I'm not a prude but I am most certainly not a player.

Understand this Louis, I am may be a whore in someone's eyes but there's nothing wrong with it. I am proud of being a whore. There is nothing wrong with having sex and nothing you or anyone says will change that. " Harry had this fierce glint in his eyes as he finished talking.

Louis wanted to clap because who knew Harry could be so serious but at the same time he wanted to smack him. He hadn't meant it like Harry was a slut, it just didn't seem right for someone to have so much sex.

Louis sighed as he thought of a way to respond. Once again he wasn't given the chance, "Can we just start with the small questions, it's obvious we have two different opinions. "

Louis smiled, to show no harsh feelings, and nodded. "Okay, we'll start with some basic ones; when did you first begin to do anything remotely sexual?" He smirked as he saw a light blush dip onto Harry's cheeks as he tried to answer.

He saw the way Harry struggled to answer. Finally he replied sheepishly, "Ever since the age of 12, you know when puberty started, I began to masturbate, but not a lot, really, just a couple times a week. If I'm being honest, it's because I was always so busy, I never had the time."

Louis pursed his lips and nodded. Harry's response wasn't really out of the normal, lots of young boys start to explore on their urges once puberty begins. "And what was it that kept your time occupied?" Louis asked, wanting to see if anything triggered Harry to run towards sex as an escape.

Harry took some time remembering before answering, "I hung out with friends, went on trips with my family, games with my dad, after school activities, I participated in a lot."

Louis still couldn't find what he was looking for, and though Harry did live with him, he was on limited time. So he asked another question, "And when did that change?"

Louis noticed the way Harry's body deflated just a tiny bit but Louis knew he had found the beginning of what he was looking for. "It changed the year I turned 14, things just weren't fun anymore." His answer was brief. It honestly looked like he wanted to burst into tears. So whatever changed Harry, happened when he turned 14. That's a start.

"What happened that year that changed your perspective on these activities?" Louis asked gently. He couldn't help but notice the way Harry's whole body tensed. He wasn't sure if he would answer this particular question. He tried to think back about anything Anne had said but his mind came up blank. He hadn't been best friends with Anne, he only had met her because he had dated one of his older cousins.

"Harry..you don't have to answer it, if you'd like we can discuss that some other time?" Louis murmured when he got no response from Harry. He felt glad when he saw Harry's body soften just a smidgen.

"Thank you," Harry finally choked out. "Let's change the subject shall we?" Louis asked when Harry met his eyes. There was a guarded glaze in his eyes that Louis had never noticed. "When did you lose your virginity?"

Harry only squirmed a bit when he answered, "When I turned 15." Louis raised his eyebrow in surprise, it's only been two years and he's had that much action. Louis moved onto his next question, and though it really wasn't that important of a question, he still asked, "With which gender?"

This time Harry blushed again, he cheeks seemed to be permanently dyed pink. "With a boy," He whispered, dodging his eyes onto the ground. "When was the last time you had sex or did anything sexual?"

Harry must've wanted to dodge this question as he answered reluctantly, "In gym class..I gave a guy a blowjob and he gave me one in return." Louis somehow felt winded and he couldn't understand why it made him the smallest amount of angry.

He didn't own Harry after all, he wasn't his boss.

"Wow, and you didn't get caught?" Louis would have to change that, clearly teachers weren't doing such a hot job at keeping students' hands over each other. Harry just shrugged, and said, "Nah, none of the guys really noticed and if they did they really must have not given a shit." Harry stuttered a bit when he realized he cursed in front of Louis. 

"Who did you first do anything with when you first arrived here?" Harry didn't meet his eyes as he said Zayn's name. This time Louis got upset. "Did you guys sleep together?" He cared for Zayn, Zayn could be reckless.

Harry smiled a small smile when he answered, "No, we didn't do that..he said he'd like to take me out on a date considering I've never had one, it was sweet." For some reason something flared inside of Louis, but he ignored it.

"Yet you continue to fool around with other people,"Louis' voice was sharp and he watched the way Harry winced in guilt. "We're not together okay? Yeah we mess around but I'm not with him. If we were I wouldn't be doing things with other people."

Louis' frown only grew deeper as he began to reply, "Look you don't know Zayn like I do, don't mess with his feelings. He doesn't deserve it." Harry inhaled deeply before groaning, "I like him okay? I think he's great..it's just I'm not sure like I don't really know if I want a relationship."

"And you say you're not a player," Louis spat, anger rising as if fire was burning through his veins. "I'm not! I tell everyone I mess with that I'm not in for relationships." Harry jumped to his feet, clearly not loving the accusation but Louis was in no mood to back down.

"Did you tell Zayn?"He bit back, getting onto his feet as well. He tried to ignore the fact that Harry was towering over him. He looked up into Harry's eyes refusing to cower away. He saw Harry frown with realization before answering, "well no..I was kinda drunk the first time we fooled around." "And what's been stopping you now? See that's your mistake, not telling him. " Louis raised an eyebrow, daring Harry.

"You really want to talk about mistakes? Do you?" Harry hiss, venom lacing his voice. Louis fought the blush that wanted to flood his cheeks. But he also felt hurt that Harry considered it a mistake.

"You're right, I made a mistake, a mistake that I deeply regret. But don't worry, it wasn't that great, wasn't special." Louis felt awful when he saw Harry step back, with no emotion on his face. What was he growing upset about, they were nothing.

"You had a reason for kissing me, so answer me, why did you if you regret it now?" Without thinking Louis blurted, "Cause I wanted to, I wasn't thinking. "

Harry frowned in a menacing manner before saying, "Bullshit, if you wanted to, you wouldn't regret it so much now." Louis gasped under his breath before rapidly answering, "Harry I, it's it was more like the heat of the moment, I don't even like you like that-"

"There's no point in telling me what I already know. The cards are laid out, and it seems time has run out. "

Louis stared at his clock in a daze, Harry had been right, the hour was over. As he turned to face Harry, Harry grabbed his face and Harry pulled him close to where their breaths were mingling and their lips were almost touching.

It felt electric.

"After this, it'll be like the kiss never happened, I'll forget it happened." Harry whispered with a voice that was gentle, more gentle than silk on one's skin. It made Louis want to melt. Then Harry leaned in even closer, kissing Louis lightly and slowly. It was quick and over before Louis could even react.

Harry was smirking as he pulled back, "Thanks for the session, I hope we made progress" And Louis just stayed silent, frozen in time.  Harry walked towards the door, sent Louis a smile and walked out.

After Harry left, Louis fell back into his chair and groaned. He rubbed his face and kept groaning, embarrassed that he hadn't stopped Harry from kissing him. He wanted to kiss him again but he knew that was wrong. 

He was pretty sure his face was beet red and he was surprised he didn't push Harry away. He wasn't even mad, which he should be, but he's not. He's pretty fucked up, he decided. And the more he thought of Harry, the harder it got to decide what was wrong and what was right.

Finally, after the shock of the kiss cleared, the panic began to roll in.   _They kissed again._ He brought his fingers up to his lips and traced over them lightly. He sighed as he remembered what it felt like to have Harry's lips on him. He brought down his hand feeling foolish for thinking about the kiss.It would have been normal if Harry wasn't his underage patient. 

But like Harry said, the kiss never happened. 

Except it did and it would be pretty hard to forget. 

He felt like a teenage boy who barely learned what it felt like to have his first kiss. Still he continued thinking, he thought of Harry's lips. 

It's all Eleanor's fault, Louis thought, if she hadn't broken up with me maybe I wouldn't have kissed Harry. 

He realized what a mess he had made with this whole situation, they both blew it out of proportion. Louis shouldn't have slept with that guy without discussing with Harry what they kiss meant. 

And Harry shouldn't have gotten so upset with him, he did they exact same thing, expect with more people. Louis began to wonder if Harry was bi-polar or something. He yawned, even though it wasn't even seven at night and decided he should take a nap.

As he was walking towards his room, he was singing his heart out with a song by the Killers, when Harry came out of his room. The smirk on his face told Louis, that yeah he heard. If Louis was uncertain before, his doubts were confirmed when Harry started clapping that was accompanied by a wolf whistle.

Louis' whole body was blushing by the time he was in his room, he could still hear Harry's faint booming laughter. He threw off his jeans and scampered over to his bed. He dove under the covers and let loose a smile. 

Harry kissed him.

Okay, right there, he thought, that's when I sound like a teenage girl. 

But maybe he should stop seeing it as bad and just move past it. It seems Harry's finally over it, maybe he should get over it. Maybe they can put this behind them and things cam be the way they're supposed to be. 

That seems like a good plan. 

He sighed, closing his eyes, only to see the curly haired boy smiling at him. People always say when life gives you lemons to make lemonade, but what the fuck do you do when life gives you a Harry Styles? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that better ?Lots of love x


	10. Read

Hi!  
So I just got home from a trip and I'll be updating later today so don't worry! Sorry I haven't updated in so long, I'm trying to make my updates more frequent, especially now that school has ended, so thank you for being patient. What else, oh yeah! I have awesome news. I have a friend who's mom has connections to book publishing companies and said that anytime I want to publish a book they could hook me up, should I do it though? Do you think people would read it?  
Thanks so much for reading, an updates on it way(: Lots of love,  
Kayla x


	11. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's determined to prove the world wrong. There's some Zarry scene's, and maybe some Larry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! Im so sorry the updates so late, I'm sick so this might not be the best but I might do a double update as an apology. Thank you guys so much for reading, hope you guys like it. Enjoy, lots of love! X

Life is a tide of series, of challenges. And for the first time the tide is calm. Louis and Harry seemed to have put everything behind just like they agreed last night, and Harry couldn't have been more glad.

Harry felt so embarrassed of his past behavior, he still doesn't understand why is his emotions became so clustered. He concluded it was because he wasn't used to the move and that he shouldn't worry about it.

Plus he didn't have time to worry, he had to get to school. Harry breathed in deeply before getting off of his bed. He walked like a sloth to his drawers, he felt tired. He decided not to shower and threw on the clothes.

Randomly he got the idea to make Louis a small breakfast as an apology. He mentally slapped his head a million times because it seemed like he had almost been jealous of the guy Louis slept with. But obviously he wasn't because then that would mean Harry liked Louis in that way, which he didn't think he did.

Sure Harry wants to sleep with him but then again Harry wants to sleep the rest of the world. And he didn't know why he did, it just felt right. Anytime he got bored, bam sex, anytime he got angry, bam sex, even when he got sad he turned to sex. It was just his stress reliever, he wasn't addicted.

He rolled his eyes in annoyance as he quietly walked down the hall. He would prove everyone who called him addicted wrong, he'd show them. He was perfectly fine with not having sex or doing anything remotely sexual.

He'd go this whole day not doing anything, he'd refuse all the offering people at school, he won't watch porn, he won't touch himself, as far as he would go is a kiss but he doesn't just randomly kiss people so.

When he enters the kitchen he looks at the clock and sees he's only got an hour before Zayn would be here to pick him up for school. Another thing that's he's been giving a lot of thought to too- _Zayn_. He's been feeling shitty because he likes Zayn, Zayn's only been so nice, and here's Harry messing around with almost the entire school.

He knows it's wrong considering he and Zayn have something but the only thing that calms his guilt is that technically he's single so he's not really cheating. He can't explain why he has so much sex but he's never really seen as a problem and he's tried not to become too cocky but evidently he has his moments.

Although there's more to him than his sexual side and maybe he should show that to Zayn. Maybe today, the day he's trying to prove how he's not addicted, he and Zayn can go on the lovely date they were talking about. Because one- that'll keep him distracted, two- it'll be his first date and it'll be even more special. This whole day is important in the end.

He realizes he's standing frozen in the kitchen and blushes at himself and starts pulling out the eggs from the fridge, then pulls out a pan and turns on the stove. He's too distracted by cooking the eggs that he didn't notice Louis slipping into the kitchen. He still didn't notice when Louis took a seat at, he was too lost in thought. And unfortunately his thoughts were inappropriate.

'This is gonna be harder than I thought,' he thought to himself as his lower region started to wake. He bit his lip harshly and tried to ignore it. He turned off the stove and turned around to get some plates. "Holy shit Louis you scared me!" He blurted, a small blush fluttering onto his cheeks when he realized his semi was noticeable in his tight jeans.

He tried to act like it was there but by the smirk on Louis' face he knew he saw it. Louis start cackling and Harry covered his face with his hands and groaned, "Shut up."

"Don't be a loner, cover your boner." Louis choked out through his howling laughter. Harry just pouted and asked, "Can you stop please?" But Louis was far from teasing him. "Do you want me to finish breakfast while you go for a quick wank?" Harry went over and smacked Louis on the head, even though Louis' older.

Louis was acting like an immature little fuck and even though Harry found it amusing he wasn't about to tell Louis that.

"No, I'm fine-" "Harry Styles is refusing a wank? Are you sure you're okay?" Louis teased, grabbing Harry's hand. Harry tried to not think about Louis hold his hand and just went on talking.

"Yes I'm fine. Now as I was saying before you rudely interrupting me, you immature little prick, I was making you breakfast because, A- I'm obviously the better cook, B- it's also an apology for my previous behavior. But now I'm not so sure that you deserve it now since you're acting younger than me."

Louis didn't think as he brought Harry's hand to his lips and quickly pecked it. "First off, I'm not an immature prick, respect your elders you shit and second thank you but I also owe you an apology. We were both off, we should have discussed it but now that's behind us, I want you to enjoy your time here. And I want to get to know you better and I want to help you prove that you're okay and if you do happen to have an addiction that you can beat it. But you have to let me help Harry."

Harry knew he was still blushing because no one ever kissed his hands so he was glad Louis didn't mention it. Harry nodded and replied, "Thanks and you're right. We made a huge mess and how I reacted was ridiculous, so yeah let's just start over," He paused pulling his hand away and stood politely in front of Louis.

He stuck out his hand and smiled, not smirked, while saying in a formal voice, "Hello, my name's Harry Styles." Louis rolled his eyes but went along with it, "Nice to meet you, the name's Louis. Louis Tomlinson." Louis couldn't help but chuckle as Harry asked, "Would you like to have breakfast with me Louis Tomlinson?"

"Depends is this a date?" Harry knew Louis was just joking so he just went along with it, partly because it was fun and another part because he liked it, of course he wouldn't tell Louis that. Although it seemed Louis was enjoying himself too.

"Do you want it to be?" Louis did a fake giggle, "I'd love for it to be a date." And Harry couldn't help but wonder if there was some truth behind that.

The rest of their breakfast included conversations like, "So what is it that you do as a profession Louis?"

And Louis would answer, "You see, I'm a therapist, I assist people with their problems because I love helping. "

While Harry would respond, " Ah, well that's wonderful, it's so happens I'm in dire need of a therapist, would you care to help?"

They both had a real kick of it. At the end, when they were both heading their separate ways, Harry told him, "Does that count as my first date?" "I guess it does, our own type. But you can't mention it to anyone, they'd think we're weirdos."

And as Harry watched Louis drive away, while he waited for Zayn to come over, he thought, ' _So that moment's only ours.'_

\-------------

Louis spent the majority of his drive in a variety of moods. He doesn't know why he acted the way he did but he liked it. He liked the way it felt natural like if they always talked to each other that way. And though Louis kept thinking "Why did I do that?"

He also kept thinking, "And why the hell do I not care? Why did I like it so much?"

Ugh stupid Harry, Louis thought, why does he have to make it so easy to be around him?

_Why?_

\----------

Apparently it was harder for Harry than he thought to keep away from the temptation. It was barely second period and he's already been asked for a steamy make out in the janitors closet, not only was it hard to say no, it also made him realize how much of a whore he really was.

But he wanted to do this right, he wanted to show everyone he could do it. He wanted to prove to his mother what he could do, he wanted to prove to Zayn he could be faithful, and he wanted to prove to Louis that he could control himself. And for some reason all the stress made him want to do it more. But he resisted, he was determined.

He had to do this.

"Styles? Is it too much to ask to ask for your attention or would some detention set you straight?" Harry sunk back into his seat a bit before shaking his head and politely replying, "No sir, sorry. " The teacher, Mr.Robbinson just nodded moved on with his class, what a boring class it was.

Harry stared at Mr.Robbinson and wondered if he was straight or gay, or if the reason he was so bitter was he was lonely or maybe he was gay and had to hide, which made him bitter. Whatever it was, Harry kept his eyes on the tall, thin man. He watched as his pale hand pushed up his glasses. He watches as he fiddled with his tan tie.

He watched this and wondered, "What makes us so different?" Harry didn't know why he was thinking it but he was. He wasn't even sure what he meant with that question, maybe he just wanted to understand why he was treated so different from everyone, why did he have to be the one treated like he was addicted?

He didn't really know anyone besides Zayn and his crew but he didn't really know them. Not in the way he knows everyone back home. _Here I am_ , Harry started thinking, _I'm sitting here and I'm thinking I could just disappear, melt away into the seat and no one would notice._

He didn't mean to sound so morbid and he didn't even know why he was thinking what he was thinking but he suddenly felt a pang of sadness hit his heart.

He was homesick, he missed the familiarity of his old school, of his old room. Of his mum, who whom he hasn't spoken too in a long while.

'Maybe I'll give her a ring when I get home,' Harry thinks as the class comes to an end. He's still thinking of home as he meets Zayn in the crowded hall. "Hey handsome," Zayn greets him and Harry just wants a hug but not from him.

He wants a hug from his sister. He doesn't know why out of everyone he thought of his sister, maybe it was because she understood how it felt to leave maybe it was just because she's his sister, but he wanted a hug from her.

"Zayn can I have a hug?" Harry asked, liking the way Zayn's face lit up as he opens his arms."Did you miss me that much in class?" It's not you I've been missing, Harry thought but for Zayn's sake he nodded. 

"So I was thinking, how about we go on a date tonight?"Harry asked once they pulled away from the hug. Harry felt proud that he could make Zayn smile even more than before when he heard him say that. "Really? You want too?" Zayn asked, sounding ecstatic.

Harry grinned and answered, "Of course, I've been waiting for it." Zayn bit his lip and said, "Okay cheers, yes okay it'll be perfect just you wait. Oh god, I'll swoop you off your feet."

"It'll be a little hard, considering I'm taller and all," Harry joked and Zayn just nudged him. " I'm sure I'll manage, you'll be amazed at the things I can do babe." Zayn winked, making Harry laugh.

"Okay, I can't wait. What time is this lovely date?" "Is 6:30 good?" Zayn asked. Harry thought for a second, thinking if he had anything important to do but of course he didn't. And it also gave him enough time to call his mum and inform her of his new life. "Sounds perfect."

"Okay good, I'll pick you up then, now hurry up to your next class, teach is gonna bust your balls if you're late." Zayn said, before giving Harry a quick peck on the lips. Harry chuckled as he scurried off to his next class.

He barely made it on time and he let out a relieved sigh. He was actually paying attention to the class when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. As discreetly as he could, he pulled it out and his it under his desk.

It read he had gotten a new message from Josh. Josh was pretty fun to be around and Harry could see why he and Zayn were best mates so he didn't really find it weird when they exchanged numbers.

'Hey H! Sorry to message u in class, I bet it's boring tho cx but can u meet in the boys loo like now?' Harry's eyebrows furrowed as he read the text message.

He quickly responded a sure, just let me get permission. He figured it was important since Josh was asking him in the middle of class. He also felt glad that Josh was actually asking him for help, it proved they were actual friends. Harry slipped his phone back into his pocket before raising his hand and asked for permission to head to the bathroom. "Make it quick," was all he got.

When he got to the boys' bathroom Josh was leaning against the sinks' counter, looking down. "Josh! I'm here, what's wrong?" Josh looked up in an instant and had a worried look on his face. "Can you come here, it's serious and I can't risk anyone hearing, it's about your date with Zayn." Josh muttered, his voice had a nervous undertone.

Harry felt confused but nodded anyway. "How do you know about our date?" Harry asked as he approached Josh. "Zayn told me, of course, he sounded so pumped. Don't break his heart," Josh said.

As Harry stood right in front of Josh, he felt nervous. It wasn't the good nervous, it was the kind of nervous where you know something's going to happen. "I don't plan on it," Harry replied.

"Try not to judge me too harshly for this okay?" Josh asked confusing Harry more. Before Harry's heart could beat another beat, Josh was pulling Harry closer, until Josh kissed him. Harry didn't respond, only that little natural twitch his lips did when he was surprised.

It took him a second or two to realize what was happening. He pulled away immediately. A billion feelings began staggering onto his shoulders. "What the fuck was that Josh?!" Harry exclaimed, the whole thing felt scandalous, this is why he called him here. For a fucking kiss.

"Just remember when you're on your date, he's not the only one who wants you." Josh states before trying to leave. "No, maybe he's not but he doesn't just want me Josh, he actually likes me. What the fuck happened to 'don't break his heart'?!"

Somehow Josh had gotten in front of the bathroom door, his back facing Harry but he said nothing before leaving. Harry blinked in surprise and anger because he had been doing so good, he had even told Jade that he couldn't mess around with her. And she took it well, she said she had had fun and whenever he wanted to do it again they could.

But this? This had been unexpected.

\--------

Harry tried to forget about the kiss for rest of the day. He decided he wouldn't let that ruin his plans. He liked Zayn, he was going on a date with Zayn, it was all good.

When he got home Louis wasn't there so Harry figured he was still at the office. Harry took this time to call his mum. "Harry! Baby, I haven't heard for you in forever!" Anne chirped from the other end of the line. "I know mum, sorry, things have been crazy here."

Harry then started filling her in on the basics, leaving out any of the moments he's had with Louis, knowing she would freak out. Though he did tell her about Zayn and how they would be going on a date in less then two hours.

"That's great baby! He's sounds wonderful!" He could literally hear the smile in the tone of her voice. "I know mum, thanks," He responded with am excited voice. "I have to go, Gemma said she'd be calling me for some reason but have a lovely time on your date darling, god knows you deserve it. Love you."

"Love you too, say hi to Gemma for me, Bye."

"I will, bye."

By the time the call was over he had an hour to get ready, which wasn't so bad. So he did his usual routine. He took a shower, brushed his teeth, changed into his clothes, then fixed his hair. He was spraying on some cologne when the doorbell rang. He quickly jotted a note down for Louis, explaining where he'd be and left it on the kitchen table before answering the door.

He smiled at the shy looking Zayn. "Hey," he greeted him, stepping out the door way. Zayn smiled back, just a little sheepishly before holding out his hand. Harry intertwined their fingers once he locked the door with a key Louis had given.

"Are you ready for your first date?" "Fuck yes." Harry said as they walked to Zayn's car.

Being a true gentleman, Zayn opened the passenger seat and Harry gave him a peck on the cheek as a thank you. They were both a lot less nervous as they got to the restaurant. It wasn't exactly fancy per say but it obviously wasn't cheap.

On the exterior it was dazzling, it was classy yet laid back, the perfect place. Harry became excited to see the inside. "My cousin, Joel, works here so he should be able to get us a good table." Zayn admitted as they walked in.

If Harry thought the outside was beautiful, he was not prepared for the inside. The inside had a home-y feel to it but it also had a respected edge to it. Everything was a dark, cool color. The walls were a dark blue with grey. The table's were black. Everything was a perfect balance of elegant and not too much elegant. It was absolutely perfect for a first date.

But Harry hoped the food didn't cost too much, he didn't want to leave Zayn with an empty wallet. Just like Zayn said, Joel got them a really good table. And luckily the food wasn't too pricey.

The date rolled in smoothly. They had a great time. They had a variety of things in common, from their favorite artist to their favorite band. It was what you would call a perfect date but the unfortunate trouble began when they were parked outside of Louis' house.

Harry went in for a kiss but Zayn had a different plan. 

By the time Harry got out of the car, things had dropped from him. He felt disappointed in himself and his nonexistent self control. He walked into the house and there sat Louis on the couch. Louis looked at Harry with this proud and happy smile that made want to cry. 'I failed him,' Harry thought to himself."Soo how was it?!" Louis once Harry took a seat by him on the couch. But Harry just croaked, "Great."

Louis frowned at the unnerving tone of his voice. "That's all? Great?" 

Then Harry just started crying. Because fuck he missed his old room, he missed his best mates, he missed his dinners with his mum, he totally fucked up. He was supposed to prove them wrong! Harry didn't realize he had said all of that aloud until he heard Louis murmur a quiet, "Oh Harry."

"Can I have a hug?"

Louis wrapped his arms around the weeping boy. And even though he was still a little confused as to why he was crying, he just held him. "Shh..it's okay Harry, what in the world makes you think you failed anyone?" He pushed his body back onto the couch, with Harry following suit, until they were both laying on the couch. Of course it wasn't the best fit but they made it work.

Harry took a deep breath before he started to speak, "I, um wanted to show you guys that I'm not addicted and that I do have some self control. But it seems that I don't. " It was then Harry explained everything that happened that day, from the people throwing themselves at him, the Josh kiss and lastly the Zayn incident. He vaguely explained how even though his mind didn't want for Zayn to give him a hand job, his body did. 

And he explained how he was ashamed he caved. Louis stayed silent for a second after Harry was done. Then in the most serious voice he began to speak, "Harry I'm proud of you. What happened with Josh wasn't really your fault, not at all. I'm proud that you lasted as long as you did. Relapse is an inevitable part of recovery. Harry I'm not here to ban sex from you,  you're here to learn how to not be dependent of it. Listen to me, whether its one hour or one day that you go without having sex, I will always be proud."

By now Harry was done with his crying fest so he hugged Louis really tightly, it was surprising how easy it was to open up to Louis. 

"Always?" Harry asked not caring to hide the disbelief in his voice. 

"Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are your thoughts on this chapter? I hope you guys liked it, lots of love. X


	12. sad.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read.

Hi. 

I don't know when I'll be able to update, it's a miracle I've even been able to use the internet. I'm in Mexico right now because of the death of my cousin. And its really hard and I think I'll be home on Sunday and I'll guess update then but I'm really sorry if you guy have been waiting. I swear I wasn't expecting this to happen. 

It caught me off guard. I hope you understand. Thank you. Lots of love,   
Kayla. X


	13. The First Tattoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is mainly about Harry, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically a filler for the wait, sorry I've been gone for so long. But I'm back! Thanks for your patience, thanks for reading. I don't know why you read my story when it's shit but I thank you. It may be harder for me to update now that my phone is broken but I will continue this story. Again thank you and it's great to be back. Lots of love xx

Harry stared up at the ceiling, even if it was too dark, he just couldn't find the peace to sleep. His mind felt groggy but his body was alert and awake. It was rather difficult, this rarely happened to Harry. And all he could think about was having a quick wank, he already failed so he didn't understand why he was so hesitate.

"Maybe because I want..I don't know, maybe I just want to keep trying to prove a point. You know what they say about failure, it's just another reason to keep trying." Harry thought, turning so he was laying on his side. He looked at his window as if it could help him somehow.

It was then he noticed how alive yet peaceful it truly was. Harry, without thinking, scampered off of his bed and walked over to his window. He couldn't help but wonder what it was like back home. He wondered if his mum felt lonely having the house all to herself.

He stared at the city outside of his window and suddenly wanted a tattoo. He chuckled as he thought about the first time he asked Anne if he could get one; she was about ready to bite of his head. At first he was angry that she refused, then he found the whole incident comical and just now he realized she totally saved his balls.

The tat would have been really lame, he wanted to get a phrase from Star Wars tatted onto his skin forever. The tattoo itself wasn't lame, it was the fact that he didn't even like Star Wars that made it ridiculous. He wanted to do it because it had been a dare produced by a night of much drinking and a slighty too big of an ego. He didn't want to look like a wuss.

And they teased him for like a week before the whole thing was forgotten. Harry wishes he could blame his stupidity on being too young but really that happened last year a few weeks after turning sixteen. 

 

Harry bit his lip, wondering how much trouble he would get in if he actually got one. Obviously it wouldn't be anything stupid this time but would Anne understand that? Or would she kill him before leaving him the chance to explain? He burrowed his eyebrows as he made his decision. He was merely months away from being eighteen, long gone was the sixteen year old. Evidently he had his immature moments but now he understood the world more. He had matured somewhat and he was sure he could handle being grounded for a few weeks at the worst. And if he had to he could just hide it from her plus he won't being see her for 2 months and a couple of weeks. 

So yeah, he was gonna take the risk and do it. He was getting the tattoo. Life is boring if you're not willing to take risks. Harry certainly did not want a boring life. 

 

What he didn't know, however, was who to ask to take him to a tattoo shop? Niall and Liam had never gotten a tattoo in their lives so they weren't much help, his only real choices were Louis and Zayn. Zayn almost had a full sleeve of tattoos so he obviously knew a good shop so he could be of help. But he also noticed that Louis also had a nice collection of tattoos, so he could help but question was; _was he willing to_?

Harry ultimately decided he would ask Louis what he thought of the idea and go from there. After all the worst he could do was say no. And with that he went back to bed.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"You what?" Louis sputtered as he choked on his coffee. It was morning then and Harry had casually mentioned the idea to Louis. Clearly, Louis was not totally on board but good news was, he wasn't totally against it. "Harry,"he began -what Harry was sure was a long and thorough lecture as to why it was a bad idea- "I don't know, I'm not sure Anne would approve. I mean don't you think it would be a good idea to ask her for permission?" 

Harry immaturely rolled his eyes, "What am I? Six? Louis this is my life and whether or not you like it, I'll be an adult in like 5 months. It's not that far away, I mean we're in what September? I don't have much time here and I want to leave here some fun and great memories. Is that so wrong?" Harry was basically pouting and giving Louis the most begging eyes he could give. Harry wasn't sure at this point what Louis would say but he was mentally praying that he would say yes. Because Harry wasn't gonna lie, it'd be pretty great if Louis was there with him. 

Louis sighed after what seemed like an eternity of silence, "Harry..you sure you want this? Like no doubts at all?" Harry grinned as he nodded furiously. "There's not a single doubt in my mind. I want this, fuck I really want it." Harry was sure he had won Louis over and that was confirmed when Louis finally said, "Fine, I'll allow you to get it, I'll call up a good friend of mine who'll do it for cheap but you're going to have to pay. And Harry if you're mum finds out, we're both in deep shit, you know that right?" 

Harry's grin was infectious, Louis couldn't help but smile along. "I know, I know, trust me. I've thought of all the trouble I could get in but I want this, so thank you, thank you so fucking much Louis!" Harry, who was so unbelievably joyful, jumped out of his seat and sprinted over to Louis, wrapping his arms around his upper torso. 

"Thank you." Harry whispered before for pulling away. Louis wouldn't meet his eye as he nodded in apprehension. Harry couldn't wipe the ridiculous smile from his face as he grabbed his backpack from the floor by his chair. Harry was walking out the kitchen when Louis asked, "Hey Harry what do you plan on getting?" 

Harry's smirk was dipping with mischief, "It's a secret." And before Louis had time to pester him he left the room, smiling the biggest smile that his mouth could handle.

\--------------

"The irony of the situation is considerably hilarious. While people hate bacteria, that what oxygen is; bacteria produced from plants and trees.." The teacher's voice became a drone, just a boring noise that faded in the background. Harry knows he should be paying attention, and usually science is fun but Harry just wasn't feeling it today. His mind was else where. 

Like his future tattoo, and remembering today's lunch. He was pretty bummed that he hasn't gotten the chance to tell Zayn about it. Since Niall and Liam can't be there, he at least wants Zayn there. 

All day has been too busy, in the morning he hadn't gotten a ride with Zayn so he didn't tell him then and during lunch, well he had a chance but he, for some unknown reason, didn't want to tell Zayn in front of his friends. They were chill and all but they weren't _his_ friends quite yet. Some of them were you could say but there were moments where he would rather be his two best mates. 

He remembers at lunch when he and Dan were talking. "Hey Harry, know any good jokes?" Harry wanted to laugh at Dan because he had no idea what he had just unleashed. "Course. I'm the funniest man alive-" Just then Dan started laughing, "Good one mate." Harry rolled his eyes and Dan just said, "I'm just teasing, now tell me the joke." 

Harry hesitated only for a second, "Okay. What did the boob say to the other boob?" Dan rasied an eyebrow in contemplating an answer, "You're a tit? I have no idea." 

Harry was smiling as he answered, "We're breast friends!" Harry began cackling and he got a chuckle out of the rest of the guys. The rest of the lunch he spent it cracking jokes and he kinda forget about the tattoo.

Harry was sucked back into the class when the teacher, Mr.Burton started passing out coursework. "Only 36 minutes left in this class," he muttered to himself. Only 36 minutes. 

\-------------

He was in his last hour, drama and the excitement was slowly returning to him. He had Dan in this class, and another two guys he got along with that weren't interested in him; Logan and John. They were boy gay and fortunately together. Logan played footie but looked gothic so it always comes to a surprise when people find that out about him. He's just a real laid back guy, who makes deep comments and has dark, almost black, curls that flop over his face, covering just over his eyebrows. 

John was the opposite. His appearance was more like an American sweetheart, he had a boyish face and his hair was so light it was close to blond. And well Logan's eyes were a dark brown, John's were peppermint blue. Theyre personalities clashed but they were ultimately perfect together. 

So that's why Harry was teasing them. "You guys are disgustingly cute," he whispered as the teacher, Mrs. Angelica was out of ear shot. John was flipping Harry off when Dan stepped into the conversation.

"And you and Zayn are better? Piss off and leave 'em alone." Before Harry had the chance to blush, or do anything but gape at Dan, someone called his name. Unfortunately that someone was his teacher. "Mr.styles so what's your opinion on that?" 

Harry could only stammer out a "My opinion on what?" Mrs. Angelica answered, "On today's society of course. If you had been paying attention instead of staring at your classmates you would have known that. " Harry was almost positive that they hadn't been talking about today's society but then again he did stop paying attention. 

Still he didn't know what that had to do with drama, he however answered the question because today wasn't the day to get in trouble. 

He could feel Dan's silent, mocking laughter as he answered, "I, well I believe today's society is very..overwhelming and it's teaching us to have a bad perspective of life and such." "Not too shabby Styles." He thought in his head. "And how is it teaching you to have a bad perspective on things?" She asked making Harry internally groan. He didn't want to continue this conversation, he just wanted school to end. 

"Well, it's influencing us to have this image of who we should because apparently that's considered perfection. It's molding us into selfish, judgmental, power starved kids. All the wars and such wouldn't have happened if we weren't so fixated on power. If we were to share our intelligence and resources there'd be less conflict, at least that's what I believe. And if we weren't so goddamn- excuse me- judgmental of each other and new things less people would be contemplating suicide. If we didn't live by the labels that are handed to us the maybe the world would be a better place. " 

"Excellent answer Harry." She didn't speak to him for the rest of the class. It was only when he was heading out the door after class had ended that she called his name. He shuffled over to the front of her desk. "Yes Mrs. A"

It was then she informed him abput a writing contest she wanted him to enter, she said she could see him winning. Also that it could be about anything as long as it were school appropriate.  And at first he didn't want to do it but then he thought of how proud Anne would be and he agreed. 

"All you need is a strong idea, which is exactly whaf you have. " was the last thing she said before he left. 

\------------------------

Before he got home he made a quick trip to Zayn's house. He knocked on the door and tried to mask his surprise when Josh -the last guy he wanted to see- opened the door. 

He entered the house and only had to pend thirty uncomfortable minutes with him before he left. After Josh left Zayn was informed of the tattoo and he agreed to go with him. 

When Louis got home they headed straight to the tattoo shop. They say getting a tattoo hurts but they were sugar coating that, it stung but not once did Harry cry out. He just breathed through the pain. Once it was done, his left wrist was just a little sensible. 

"So what did you get?" Louis pounced and Harry considered making him wait to know but even he couldn't wait. 

"It says: I can't change." 

"Because it's true, I can't change." Harry thought, "And there's nothing wrong with that." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed that! Thoughts on it? Lots of love xx


	14. Hushed Feelings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zarry but then Larrry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like the update(: This started off so different but I couldn't help myself and ended up changing it and making it the way it is now. I couldn't help myself. I actually like this chapter lol. Sorry for the late update, it sucks not having my phone. But alas here's the update I have promised. Enjoy it. Lots of love x

"I'm such a weakling," Harry thought, "Disgusting, I'm just a filthy whore." As Zayn's lips meshed against his. He had fallen into the temptation that is Zayn Malik.

After getting the tattoo, they all went to a local diner two blocks away called Mary's Diner and had some burgers. Apparently that's where all the teenager hung out because the place was packed. At one point Harry was just staring at both of the guys by his side and couldn't help but point of the differences. He stared at Zayn for a bit and saw he was relaxed and it was like he was born to be in this place surrounded by people who couldn't keep their eyes off of him.

Louis, however, was a different case. He didn't really look twenty-seven but he did look older. He did look a bit out of place but Harry thought he looked wonderful anyway. Which was the exact opposite of what he should've been thinking. But then his thoughts got worse when he started thinking about their kiss, or should he says their previous kisses. A part of Harry, a part deep, _deep_ inside of Harry, kind of wishes they wouldn't have forgotten it happened.

Of course it wasn't easy to do that --it was on Harry's mind more than he wished it would be-- but he knows he did the right thing. Because despite how much he still wants to sleep with Louis, he's grown to care for him and he doesn't really want to jeopardize his career and life. Like he said, he cares in a way he wasn't expecting to. In a way that one _shouldn't_ care for their therapist. Harry sometimes finds himself wondering if something happens, could it ever work out? But by then Harry remembers who he is, who Louis is and what Louis really deserves.

And that's not Harry, he doesn't deserve a punk who can't keep it in his pants. So maybe that's why he was so bothered by Louis sleeping with the other guy. Even if he didn't have the right to react the way he did.-

"H-Harry did you hear what I said?" Zayn whispered in the dark. Harry blinked in surprise, having forgotten that Zayn had sneaked into his room once they got home from Mary's. "Um no. Sorry, I was lost in..you," Harry mentally cringed at how lame that was. He hoped Zayn didn't catch on to his hesitation at the end, if he did he didn't find it important to harass Harry about it.

"I said," Zayn replied briskly as he momentarily leaned down and peppered kisses onto Harry's neck, "do you want to finally..you know?" The question hung in the air, evidently Zayn was oblivious as to what the question really meant to Harry and how much was weighing on the answer. Aside from that Harry couldn't avoid the moment he felt a whisk of disappointment stir in him at how their first time together wouldn't be so special -that was, of course, if his answers turned out to be a yes. But then again Harry wasn't expecting there to be fireworks or anything out of the ordinary, why would he?

"It's not guaranteed anything bad would happen if I said yes," Harry told himself. Harry considered what would happen if he refused, if he fought against the urge. It was just extremely difficult, he was torn between two amazingly difficult objects. His body and his mind. His body was obviously his weak link; it caved faster than his own heart could beat. His mind, was a completely different story. Part of him was stubborn and determined. It kept nagging at him, "What happened to proving the world wrong?"

The other part however would sing, "Screw the world. They don't understand what it's like to lose yourself in the pleasure, to be in that state of mind where memories at the whim of not escaping." Maybe he was making a mistake, maybe he shouldn't have said what he said next, maybe he should have cared but there's enough maybes in this world so why dwell on them?

He cut Zayn off in the beginning of his sentence that was something along the lines of: "Harry, you know we don't have-" He didn't have to hear the rest of that to know where it was heading. Zayn was good, hot and they clicked, plus he hasn't slept with someone in so long it's like an itch is building up under his skin and now he can finally get rid of it. Of course he doesn't want to seem like he's using him, he wasn't really; Zayn wants it, he wants it so it's not like he was about to commit the world's worst crime. And when he finally began answer him, another question came to mind- _what would Louis think?_  He doesn't have to know, Harry decided, not that it would matter if he did. However, Harry knew that last part was a lie; Harry secretly valued Louis' opinion. Instead of inquiring what those thoughts meant, he let the words slip from his lips. 

"Zayn listen, there's no way in hell I wouldn't want this, I do. I want this more than I probably should, I was just. I dunno, it's silly but I was giving you time to make sure this is what you want and that there's not a single doubt crawling in the back of your head. " Harry bit down on his lower lip, feeling somewhat shitty because that was basically a lie. He knows he shouldn't have lied. He should have told him why he was with Louis, about the supposed sex addiction, about why Jade had really been with him. He knows he _should_ have. But he didn't; instead he sat there and awaited Zayn's answer.

So they sat there both crisscrossed, facing each other. Harry was leaning back onto his pillows but not enough that he was laying down and Zayn was just staring at him with this curious and wonder-filled expression. "Maybe he knows I'm lying," Harry thought. Yet that thought didn't scare Harry as much as you think it would. 

After what appeared to only be a few seconds --that felt like a century of waiting-- Zayn finally answered Harry with a complex and certain face, " Why would I regret it? If it isn't obvious, _I like you_. I want this and I'm 99% sure I want you Harry." And though Zayn had yet to know why Harry truly was here -- and even if that reason could potentially everything in the future-- his final response was: "I want you too and like I said before I want this too."  Harry prayed Zayn didn't notice the way he swiftly avoided saying he liked him. He just wasn't ready to say that, it was obvious but somehow saying the words made it all more serious. Harry was barely learning so he decided that would be best.

Harry also felt ashamed, mortified even, that he --despite his so called efforts-- had succumbed to the needy side of himself. He knows sleeping with Zayn could lead to future problems. There's no real doubt in his mind about that but he also knows that would be dealt with in the future, not now. And you know what they say; the only thing you can do is live in the moment before it all turns into memories and old stories. Life passes too fast yet too slow so if he's going to get in deep shit later he must as well enjoy this the most he can. 

That was his only justification to why he leaned in and gingerly pressed his lips against Zayn's baby soft ones. His lips fell right into rhythm with his. He tasted of a faint pinch of cigarettes and a cooling sense of peppermint. Harry felt Zayn bring his slightly cold hand up to his cheeks and pull him just the smallest inch closer. It was a satisfying yet awaking kiss. Because while it wasn't rushed or rough, it was firm and passionate. After all Harry is human so it was inevitable when he began to melt into the embrace of the kiss. He wanted more but he liked this.

In reality there's nothing wrong with what they were doing, he just couldn't shake the guilty feeling that was slimming up his spine because of the secrets he was holding. As much as he wanted to; Harry couldn't lie, there was something else bugging him but he tried his hardest to ignore it. However it just didn't want to let his mind rest in peace so his thoughts went on their own accord. He felt guilty because the second they started to kiss, Harry began to compare their kiss to the ones he had shared with Louis. It was stupid and immature, then again that's exactly how Harry was acting.

"They're not all that different really, it's just Louis' lips were a touch more rougher from being slightly chapped. Yet as weird as it may sound I actually liked how it felt. There was another difference, one that wasn't so subtle. There are no tingles like how I had felt Louis, "He thought as the kiss continued, "It's the strangest thing ever. Maybe it doesn't mean anything, maybe it just had to do with the fact that Louis' older and it was just excitement. Who knows , most importantly who cares?" 

"I do," he thought begrudgingly. 

In an instant he just shut off his thoughts, well as best as he could. And just like the many times before he was allowing himself to lose himself in the pleasure. He doesn't lose himself in the other people like he should, instead his mind goes blank and he barely thinks. He forgets who he is and what he's lived through. He allows his body to run on autopilot. Although his mind was becoming foggy, he felt Zayn push him down onto the pillows, felt him get on him to straddle his hips. He felt him, hot and hard right against his erection. In that moment he couldn't help the low moan that escaped, knowing he wasn't the only who was excited. 

Zayn pulled away to slip off his shirt and Harry blindly followed suit. Harry leaned back, looked up to Zayn and sucked in a sharp intake of air. Zayn looked absolutely mouth watering. Harry could have sworn he was actually drooling. He couldn't help himself as he rake his nails down his chest. Apparently he had pressed hard enough to leave angry, violent red marks. "Now you can tell them what you were doing when you got those." Harry growled, thrusting upwards, both of their cocks adoring the friction it caused. Harry released a loud groan while Zayn let out a breathless curse. 

Harry repeated the action before crying out, "Please Zayn, please." He knew it by the look in Zayn's eyes that this was going to be some mind blowing sex. Or more like was going to be, because not a second later a knock summoned both of the boys' attention. Zayn turned to Harry with a panicked glint in his caramel eyes and Harry just replied with a frown. He push Zayn lightly on the shoulders and he got the message to get off him.  Harry rapidly got off the bed and opened his bedroom door. 

He tried to not notice the faint flush that attacked Louis' face when he saw he wasn't wearing a shirt. "Tell Zayn he has to go," Louis muttered in a low voice, Harry almost didn't hear him. "Why? Jealous boo?" Harry joked, sending a wink. Even though he rolled his eyes, Harry saw the tiny smile on his face. "Hardly. I know you wouldn't cheat on me right _baby_?"Louis replied, his voice hitting a taunting note on the last word. "Please I can still see the color green you but yeah don't worry. I'll always come back to you." This time Louis out right laughed, which caused Harry to hit himself on the head because he found the sound wonderful.

"No but seriously. He has to go back, his mum's going to flip a tit and he knows that. Tel him to think about what's happened before. He'll listen plus I'm not going to sleep until he's in his own house." Louis stated and Harry responded with a solid nod. Just as he was stepping away from the door he heard Louis mutter, "As if I could sleep with you guys in the next room." "J-e-a-l-o-u-s"Harry sang, surprising Louis.

"S-t-u-p-i-d," he sang back, causing Harry to shake his head with a smile shamelessly on his face. "Did you hear what he said?" Harry asked when he saw Zayn putting his shirt back on. Harry sighed, he liked the way he looked without it. Although he still looks pretty fucking hot, well he is Zayn so. "Every word. Unfortunately he's right but this sucks. I promise next time nothing will stop us." Zayn winked, Harry following him out his room to the hall way, where a very -adorable- sleepy Louis was standing.

"As much as I love you babe, you've got to get permission for your special sleepovers," Louis yawned, his nose wrinkling in disgust at the end. Zayn barked out a chuckle, "Sorry Next I'll ask, I'm just glad she hasn't noticed." Zayn's attitude sobered a bit at the end of his sentence. I trailed behind them as Louis walked Zayn to the door politely. "Bye Zayn!" Harry hollered as the door shut.

Louis turned to face Harry with a hand on his hip and he had a serious expression on his pretty face. "You shouldn't frown so much, you might get wrinkles." Harry peeped out. Louis sighed and Harry felt like he was about to get scolded by his father. " _By your daddy._ "Harry's perverted mind thought. Harry's eyes' widened just a fraction at the thought of imagining Louis as his daddy. It made his erection come back to his mind. He had almost forgotten. 

"Harry, you can't just invite people over in the middle of the night and what the hell happened to fighting away the temptation?"Louis asked and Harry knew he had to make a quick exit before Louis noticed his 'friend.' "I'm sorry okay? I thought Zayn was welcome at any time since you guys are like best mates. And as for the fighting away the temptation; I tried and failed miserably. I thought I had it under control but before I knew what was happening my body was already calling the shots, it's absolutely infuriating." It was basically all true. Harry did try, he just didn't try hard enough and now that he had recognized his mistake, hopefully he could fix it.  

"I see, well I get that it's just can you at least do it when I'm not here. I'm not saying you should have sex, as your therapist I would forbid it although I know I can't but as your friend I say that you shouldn't do it, not so frequently. I want your happiness, Harry, I know that maybe you think I don't understand, hell maybe I don't but if this is an addiction you should just make sure you at least consider recovery, please." Louis answered and Harry answered before he had the chance to shut himself up.

"Everyone is so impotent on making me change but don't you see how overwhelming that is? They want me to change for them, for their benefit but - I mean this in a non-selfish way- what about me? What happened to the being who you are for yourself bullshit this world sells you when you're young? All I hear is "change, change,change, flaws, change" now how's that fair?" Harry wasn't really planning on having a deep conversation so to end it he started heading down the hall while calling out, "Don't answer that. Not right now, not the time. I'm tired and I want sleep so I have a piece of advice for you. Stop getting so jealous," but he laughed at the end to let Louis know he was just kidding. 

"Hey Harry I have some advice for you as well," Louis sped down the hall to stand right behind Harry. "Yes?" Harry asked, turning around to face Louis. He signaled him to get closer so he could whisper something in his ear. So Harry did.

And Louis' brilliant advice was, "Don't be a loner, cover your boner." In result Harry's cheeks began to burn as he went to open his door. Louis' laughter died down as he called Harry out once more. "This better be good Tomlinson, I'm starting to think you just don't want me to go." He joked but Louis was far from laughing. "About what you said earlier..it's not fair so I'm sorry."

Harry bit his lip as he met Louis' eyes before his lips grew to a soft smile, one that he got in return. "It's okay." 

"No it's not Harry and I feel like shit for barely seeing it now but I never realized how repetitive and tiring it got to be not to mention unfair. This is probably the opposite of what I should be telling you but if you're going to change make sure it's for yourself. It's alright to be a little selfish when it comes to things like this. And I'm sorry people want you to change, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you-" Harry walked over to him and finally cut him off, "Louis! It's okay, okay? I know I'm not perfect, I'm trying to understand why it is you think I'm addicted but I know that it's okay. I know you're only trying to help me so thank you." 

Louis caught Harry by surprise, tugging him into a tight hug. Since Louis' shorter, his face snuggled into his neck. Harry wasn't the only one who was surprised by his actions, Louis doesn't know what brought him to do it. It was an impulsive move and Louis thought he was gonna kiss him. A part of Louis, a small, tiny, part wouldn't mind. He wouldn't taking risks for the boy in his arms. But maybe that's just because he cares about him.  

The only problem was; he wasn't sure in what way he cared about him in. "Does it even matter, he doesn't feel the way I does. Even if he did we both know it can't mean anything. As much as I hate that." Louis thought. 

Little did Louis know, Harry was thinking about him too,"Why am I dying inside? Why am I acting like a 12-year old who's having their crush hug the for the first time? I don't like him, I can't. Because if I do it'll only cause pain, and him discomfort. Who am I kidding, he won't ever feel the same. And as much as it kills me I wish he won't so he won't ever get hurt because of me. "

Heart against heart, the tide's beginning to change, hushed feelings. 

"Goodnight Harry."

"Goodnight love." 

"Erm..Harry? This is usually the part where you let me go." 

"Oh haha, sorry. You're just so warm, my room's usually so cold," Harry lied wanting an excuse to hold him longer.

"Do you wanna bunk with me tonight?"

"You sure?" 

"Course, just no sly moves." 

"Course not, what kind of guy do you take me for?" 

"You don't wanna know, now let's go into my room before we fall asleep here." 

They entered the room, oblivious to the ever so light blushes on both of their cheeks as they jumped into bed together.

"Just this once," Louis lied.

"Whatever you say," Harry yawned.

"Goodnight, for reals."

"Goodnight Lou..for reals this time." 

"You're one of a kind Louis Tomlinson." Harry whispered when he was sure Louis had fallen asleep. He lightly pecked Louis' gruff cheek before laying back down in his original position. "And I am so happy to know you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? Lots of love x


	15. The Truth.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis has to either A) face his feelings or B) bury his feelings deep inside of himself. So what does he choose?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've haven't updated in so long, sorry about that. But here's new update since I finally got a new phone. I hope you enjoy it, thank for reading. Lots of love xx

We've all got a choice in life. We've got the opportunity to start our day in a better mood than yesterday, despite how horrible the day before was. That's what yesterday is- a day that's already over, a new story to tell. 

So as Louis lays in bed, way too close to Harry- his chest almost pushed up against Harry's arm- he makes the choice to ignore the inevitable face that his underage patient is having a wet dream _right_ beside him. And he tries to ignore the sinful moans and unholy whimpers Harry unconsciously releases.

He knows he should finds the whole situation awkward and embarrassing- he does. He really does. But the only reason Louis finds the whole uncomfortable is because he's embarrassed at himself. He shamefully liked the fact that Harry had a semi last night and he likes the sounds Harry is making.

Which of course makes him want to throw himself in tub of acid. 

He knows it's wrong, so incredibly wrong. Yet he could listen to this for so many hours. Really he hates himself for it. Aside from practically being a pedophile, Louis has to deal with what happened last night. Sure it wasn't like they kissed again- although it's not like Louis would have minded much which essentially is the problem.

He might have actually wanted to kiss Harry and thoughts like that is a big no-no. He's not supposed to want those things, he's his therapist and he's also turning twenty-eight. He shouldn't be offering him to sleep with him in his room, on his bed, especially since he knows Harry is lying about the room's temperature being the temperature of an igloo. 

He should be offering him an extra blanket or something but no it seems he's doing the opposite. Louis also knows he's breaking the bro code, he's potentially destroying, no he knows he's putting his 2 year friendship with Zayn in jeopardy. All because of Harry fucking Styles. 

"I swear you're the bane of my existence," Louis mutters as he study's Harry's lovely face.He sighed and rolling over to the edge of his side of the bed. He had a feeling was going to come soon and for some reason it felt like an invasion of privacy to be watching him when he does.

Or maybe it's just because he doesn't want to become an even larger creep than he already is. He shouldn't even be in this situation, he should be helping Harry, especially since he promised Anne he would. "It's my only choice, whatever last night was doesn't exist." Louis thought to himself.

He shouldn't had even kissed Harry in the first place. He blames Eleanor and how emotional he was. That could be the only solution. He hasn't even known Harry long enough to feel anything. Nevertheless he made the first move and now he has no choice but to regret it.

Just like he suspected, he heard Harry let loose a series of whines. And if Louis didn't feel guilty before, he certainly did now that his head below shoulders had woken up. He felt like he was suffocating, thus he threw of the covers and sprinted away from the bed. He in a rushed he grabbed a random tee and some gray sweat pants, along with his black vans. He shut his bedroom door and threw on his clothes in the hallway. He slipped on his shoes, went to the restroom, brushed his teeth and headed toward the main door. He couldn't be in the house.

"If Anne knew, she would hate me. " Louis thought bitterly as he exited the house. The air whipped across his skin in a harsh manner but he hardly noticed. Once he reached his car he thought about what he was doing.

"What am I doing?" Louis asked himself, the sun bearing down on him. He didn't even know what time it was. Didn't Harry have school? Didn't Louis have appointments? Well they could wait, Louis was having a mini crisis. And he knew exactly what would help.

He walked over to Zayn's and prayed Zayn had decided to skip school. He didn't see any cars in the parkway so he figured it wouldn't hurt to check. At least his mum wouldn't be home. He took a deep breath, thinking he could still turn back before deciding to knock on the door. It was silent for a few seconds so he as raised his hand to knock once again, the door swung open.

Thankfully it was a scruffy Zayn that opened the door. "Louis?" His voice sounded as if he had barely woken up. Louis only felt a little guilty for waking him up. Not enough to apologize though. "Hey. Ditched school?" Louis asked, he felt jumpy for some reason.Or maybe he was just feeling guilty.

It didn't take a genius to see that Zayn was obviously infatuated with Harry. Which of course made him feel like shit. It isn't even his fault; it's Harry. If only he wasn't so damn likable. And if only he hadn't be so genuinely caring the night he and El had split then maybe he wouldn't be having such conflicting thoughts.

It's not that he feels anything serious --he barely met the lad almost two weeks ago-- it's just. He feels as if it _could_ lead to that. "I mean we've already kissed twice," Louis thought before realizing Zayn was staring at him with a strange expression.

"Oh. Um. Sorry. What were you saying?" Louis sheepishly asked. He felt like he was acting younger than his actual age. Then again; he always did hate getting older. But that's beside the point. "I just said that it was Saturday- Louis. What's going on? You come here--not even knowing the day I may add-- and now you have this troubling daze plastered onto your face." Zayn stated, leaning onto his door and crossing his arms.

Louis tried to keep his face invasive as he tried to conquer a suitable answer. "Nothing. Just tired." Louis bit his lip as Zayn rolled eye. "You know you're not. But whatever. This isn't over just so you know. Anyway. Why're you here?" Zayn queried, and Louis felt his body deflate in relief. He had bought himself sometime to think of an explanation. But now he had another question to answer: why was he here?

Normally it'd be to hang with Zayn, or admit his troubles, or even the rare times he allowed himself to get high with Zayn. However now? He didn't know. Maybe subconsciously he wanted to admit to Zayn everything that had happened. Does it even count as a thing? Perhaps he's just blowing it out of proportion. "I bet it doesn't even matter to Harry," Louis bitterly thought.

He stared at Zayn and opened his mouth to respond,"I just wanted to see if you wanted to change your appointments to Monday afternoons instead of during school hours. Can't have you missing too much." And it wasn't even a lie. He had honestly wanted to speak to him about this but he had always forgotten or put it to the side for later. This time it was Zayn who looked the tiny bit surprised.

His eyebrows were slightly furrowed as he answered, "Well uh. Sure but I was wondering if we could do it at your office now instead of at your house." Louis' eyebrows rose and Zayn looked sheepishly down at his bare feet. "Of course but why? It's always been easier for you to go to my house. " Zayn opened his mouth and closed it a few times like a gaping fish out of water. It took a few seconds before he finally spoke in a hushed voice almost as if he was embarrassed, "It's silly. I just I don't want Harry to knowthat I'm your patient."

Louis nodded in apprehension but didn't agree. "He doesn't know? Why don't you tell him? He deserves to know the truth." And that's coming from the guy who's not exactly telling the truth either. Yet he's not lying, just withholding information. "Great now I'm Mr. _I-kissed-the-guy-who-my-best-mate-likes_. But I'm also a hypocrite."the harsh thought floated in his mind. He really is a hypocrite (then again isn't everybody?), he won't even admit to his best friend of two years about his doubts.

"He does. And he will. I just need time I mean I've barely met him. We're not quite at the stage to sharing secrets. You out of everyone should know how I feel." Zayn rushed to answer. Louis nodded once again. There was a brief, slightly awkward pause before Louis spoke up. "Well I should be going now. I don't have any appointments today, so um if you want to come over any time of the day, It's cool. I'm sure Harry wouldn't mind either." He forced himself to wink at the end, he didn't want to show that his thoughts were in a frenzy.

"Maybe this is just nothing. Just a physical spark because c'mon Harry has to be one of the lost attractive people to bless the Earth. Maybe this'll pass. Maybe this is nothing." Louis told himself as he left Zayn's house when he said he'd see if he could be over later. Louis took a deep breath as he walked into the house. He flinched in surprise when he saw Harry sitting on the sofa watching the telly. He felt even worse when Harry grinned at him.

"Good morning! I um made pancakes and I left you some because I wasn't sure where you had gone." For some reason it felt like they had slept together and this would be the reaction you'd expect. It was odd."Thanks," he said half smiling. "Anyway Zayn said he'd be over soon and since I don't work today, I was thinking maybe we could go to some shops and you'd pick out some clothes? My treat." Louis finished but he looked down when he did.

"Oh shit yeah. I'd love that, thanks! Can I ask why though? I mean I have enough clothes, it's not really necessary." Harry voice sizzled with excitement. And damn it made Louis smile. He cursed in his head and met Harry's joyful stare. "I don't know really. I just thought it'd be a good idea, " Louis shrugged. "Well thank you! When are we leaving?" Harry asked, his smile contagious. "I was thinking around 3," Louis awkwardly scratched the back of his head before continuing "Why don't you text Zayn and see when's a good time for him?"

He felt grateful that Harry wasn't acting awkward about the fact that he came in his bed. And next to him. He was acting like it never happened.Which was a good thing because it would be an uncomfortable situation for the both of them. He almost didn't notice Harry respond with a nod causing his floppy curls to mop of his forehead in a messy way. It was endearing. _Too_ endearing. "Why the fuck am I acting so weird? It's like I woke up a different person." Louis asked himself in his head. Is it even normal for him to do so?

Louis took deep breath and started feeling a bit ridiculous. "Nothing even happened for me to be reacting this way. Those kisses were just kisses. Nothing more, nothing less. Plus Harry said they practically don't exist. So why am I overanalyzing things? There's nothing to analyze."

Louis started to feel silly, he made something out of nothing. So what if he and Harry slept in the same bed, it wasn't like they fucked. "God I'm such an idiot." Louis whispered to himself, shaking his head. "No you're not. Why'd you say that?" Harry --who apparently really fucking super hearing-- asked. Louis opened his mouth to answer but broke into actual giggles.

Why he was giggling like a preteen when their crush tells a joke? He had no absolute idea. Maybe he'd finally gone mental. "What's so funny?" Harry questioned again, looking half confused and half amused. "It's just. I dunno. I woke up this morning and felt really disoriented. And I kept thinking about y-" Louis cut himself short.

He couldn't tell Harry. He'd probably see him to be perverse.

"You were thinking about what?" Harry asked, seeming genuinely curious. Louis cursed himself because how could he tell him. "Oh yanno. I was thinking about how we kissed and Im worried I might grow to like you in the exact way that could land me in jail. So the usual. No worries," he couldn't say that. _Never_.

So he just replied in a rushed, "Um I have to go shower. Remember text Zayn." Louis practically ran to the bathroom and locked the door. He stood in front of the mirror and muttered," Like I said before: idiot." He shook his head at himself.

He was acting ridiculous, more than beforen He stripped himself of his clothes and entered into his shower. He turned the water on, fiddling with the knob until he had a warm flow of water cascading over him. "I'm acting like a child. Im panicking. Maybe I drank something last night or something. This is nothing. You don't like Harry. You don't even know him good enough to feel anything." He thought, letting the water relax his body.

"It's nothing."

(2 weeks later)

Louis got up in a rush. He always had an early appointment on Mondays and no time for breakfast. Which wasn't much a deal anymore since he and Harry weren't eating breakfast together everyday anymore. Which sucked in a way. But it felt normal, in a bad way, it felt how it is with families. Louis knows he didn't eat breakfast everyday with his family.

Only on Sundays really, when his mum didn't have work. Two Saturdays ago, when he was supposed to go shopping with the boys, he said he'd rather stay in and gave Harry some money. Last weekend him and Zayn became an official item. No doubt he would hear about today in Zayn's session with him.

Sessions with Harry were different, he didn't really bring up Zayn as much. And Louis had learned a lot of little things about the boy. He learned Harry liked to peel his apples, that he didn't like cursing on girls much, he wanted several more tattoos. He even shared some of his songs. A month here and they hadn't made much process but Louis figured it would help him open up. Plus it was nice to learn things about him.

Harry learned things about Louis too. (He just wouldn't stop asking until Louis caved.) Harry was informed that Louis preferred pizza over donuts, he was going to get a new tattoo, meanings of some of his tattoos. They even agreed to get a matching one someday. It was lovely.

But sadly enough it got awkward (only a little) when Louis realized that maybe he liked Harry just a bit. The day he realized that, he wanted to punch himself.However it didn't matter since Harry would never know the truth. Especially not now. Maybe some time in the far far future when he's eighty years old. And on his deathbed. Maybe then.

Another part that really sucked; sometimes he felt like Harry might like him back. Except every time he felt like that he would go back to the Saturday night Harry ranted about how he finally got a boyfriend. And how it was so exciting. Louis even almost wished he had been his first one. But he's more like his father isn't he?

That's another topic. Harry's father. He almost never does talk about him. Louis is tempted to ask Anne but he ultimately decided it'd be better if Harry told him on his own time. He tries to remember if he ever heard about whatever may habe happened but he honestly doesn't. Again- he doesn't know Anne all that well. Which was why Louis was surprised the day she called him up. If only he had known what it would lead to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it! I would love to hear your thoughts! Lots of love x  
> ( I was gonna make it longer but then I got stuck so forgive me)


	16. Serious.

Um,   
Hi. 

I've been giving this some thought but I might delete this story. I mean it's absolute shit and the plot is ugh. I feel like I went too fast and everyone's feelings were all over the place. Maybe I'm not that bad at writing one shots or something but I'm really fucking shitty at writing stories. I'm sorry, it's not a definite decision but it's definitely a possibility. I mean I love this story but at the same time I'm not stupid, I wouldn't read it if I were someone else.   
I'd like to ask for some input, you don't have to say anything but I just wanted to say this.   
Thank you, seriously. 

Love you all,   
The writer. X


	17. Maybe.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story continues. 
> 
> Harry drama hey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've read all your lovely comments and I've decided to keep going. I was such in a horrid mood when I wrote that, just bad news. But I've thought it through and Im not a quiter. And I love this story. And how many ways I can go. And what it stands for. I know sometimes feelings don't add up but that's kinda what I love. I love the fact that everyone is so messy because really that's how it is in life. And Idk I just love that. So thanks for reading this long note. Also, thank you for reminding why I started this in the first place, for reminding why it is that I want to do this when I'm older. Really just thank you. And you should know that every read and stuff really does mean the absolute world to me. It cheers me up so much you have no idea. I'm just my worst critic. But I will finish this bc larry. And you guys deserve it. So again thank you and enjoy this. Looooots of love. X

Louis was acting weird. Like _really_ weird. Harry could be oblivious but even this he noticed. And he wasn't stupid; he had a feeling it had to do with him being with Zayn. Which made him wonder as to why it could possibly bother him so much. He decided it must have to do with the fact that Zayn's his best friend and that he must miss Eleanor. Honestly if he put himself in Louis' situation he'd understand as to why it'd upset him. He must be reminded of his former relationship with her. Which, of course, probably really fucking sucks.

And the worst part is he has no one to talk to about it since Zayn has been too busy with Harry. In result of that he feels horribly guilty. He plans to bring it up at there next session, tomorrow. It's every Tuesday. After every session he feels more confident in trusting Louis. Almost like he can tell him about his dad. At the thought of his father, feels a slight burn in his eyes. He hastily wipes his eyes and tries to refocus on his teacher's voice.

He's in second period and he's counting the seconds as they tick away. He's awaiting lunch time; his favorite time of the day. Well of the school day that is.

He'll never admit it (because it seems foolish) but his favorite time of the day is when he and Lou go out into the back yard --with a blanket of course-- and lay on their backs. And they just talk. They don't even talk about anything special, sometimes just theories of how the world will end when the aliens come for us. But then they'd start bickering about who would want to come to a dying planet. They drink tea too, some nights no. However it's just nice.

It's lovely and maybe it's just because someone is listening to his childish thoughts. The best part though- is Louis never seems to complain or to get annoyed. It's like he likes to listen. Which would explain his choice of career.

Yet all of that is different from his favorite time in a school day. This time it has to do with his boyfriend- Zayn. They always sneak off to different hiding places, that include the boys' lockers room (when it's empty), behind the stands in the football field and lastly an empty janitors room. They mess around in there. It ranges from quick blowjobs to handjobs and if they're lucky to quick fucks. They do things like this alot.

On their first date he blew Zayn in his car. He knew he shouldn't have done it but what's the harm. Zayn is, after all, his boyfriend. It can't possibly be that wrong. They're hormonal teenagers, what do you expect?

Harry's thoughts blink away once he hears the bell signalling that it's finally time for lunch. As you would expect, everyone rushes to get going --some even run out the door as if their life was ending-- and Harry was heading towards the door when his teacher, Mr. Salmon, stopped him. Harry was confused as he walked over to his desk- he had done nothing wrong. Except well not paying attention at all in class.

But the weird part is, it's like his mind absorbs the information even if he isn't listening because he always averages from an A to a B on tests. So why did Mr.Salmon want to talk to him? "Um yes sir?" Harry muttered, hands fidgeting nervously behind his back. Harry's nerves calmed just a nudge when Mr.S smiled reassuringly at him.

"Well Mr.Styles you can relax, you're not in trouble. Not at all. I've noticed that you do really well in this class, even though I catch you day dreaming sometimes. But you have this special quality of storing knowledge into your brain. So. I have a proposal for you and before you groan or whine and reject me; hear me out." He paused, and Harry felt uneasy about the whole situation.

Before Harry's thoughts could spiral out of control, Mr.Salmon continued his previous speech thing. "Here's the thing, I have a student in dire need of some help. Just for a test that'll be taken at the end of this quarter. If he doesn't pass, he gets kicked out. And I don't want that, I want to give him his best shot. So I'm asking for your help."

Harry furrowed his eyebrows, "My help to do what exactly?" He asked. "Just tutor him, 3 times a week? All the way until the test, which is on November 16th." Harry didn't answer, just stared mindlessly at the board behind Mr.S's desk. Why is it every teacher's picking him for stuff? Before (in his old school) he had never been picked for anything.

The only reasons teachers noticed him is because they always caught him in the middle of some sexual activity. So yeah maybe he doesn't have the best reputation but here no one's seemed to notice. And if they have, they've said nothing of it. "Look Harry, I know you're new here but you're all I've got. The rest of my excelling students are too busy to fit this into their schedule. Plus this really look good on your uni resumè. Please Harry." Harry was used to people begging, but not for things like this.

He was never really needed in school for academic reasons. His nerves seem to want to escape his hands, so he tried to soothe them. It helps, your hands have the most nerves. So if you ever feel overwhelmingly nervous, massage them. He remembers when Louis informed him of that in one of their sessions. It can really be helpful, like right now.

Why is he even so nervous? This can obviously be a good thing for him. He should do it. Anne would like it, Louis would like it. He might even like it. "Um, alright. I'll give it a shot. Who's the uh student I'm supposed to help?" He smiles (not a completely real smile) back at Salmon who smiles in relief. "His name is Josh Devine, he's in my fourth hour I believe. Unfortunately that's a rowdy class so it's easy for him to get dis.." But Harry didn't bother listening to the rest.

He just signed himself up to tutor the guy who's been subtly hitting on him when Zayn leaves the room. But of course Zayn won't think anything of it because Josh claims to be straight. Which is a lie he pulled out of his non-existent ass. Harry feels like he might puke. What if he tries something? What if he tries to make a move on him? So many what if's. And Harry doesn't want to know what would happen if they actually do happen.

Well, at least Harry had something new to tell Louis during therapy. Harry told him a lot actually, it was pretty relaxing to be able to open up to him like that. "I know him..-"Harry was shushed by Mr.Salmon. "Perfect. It works out." Then he continued to look back at his paperwork and shit. "Why're still here? Get going, lunch doesn't last forever." Harry suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. But he did however mutter, "Rude much?" He strolled down the school hall and towards the cafeteria.

You'd think the whole situation would make Harry just want to sulk but he actually didn't want to think about. He didn't want to focus, just wanted pleasure. So as soon as he saw Zayn, he grabbed his hand dragged him out to an empty janitors closest. He turned to face an amused Zayn. Zayn let out a breathy laugh, "Why in such a rush?" Harry didn't really know, he just knew that he didn't want to think, didn't want anything but pleasure.

So he lied, "I missed you is all," well sort of. It wasn't really a lie, just not the complete truth if that made sense. Whatever it was, Zayn believed it. Harry could literally see him melt into a puddle, "I missed you too babe," Zayn murmured.

Before anything else was said, Harry grabbed Zayn's face and kissed him with full force. "Wait..Harry wait," Zayn giggled and Harry pulled away confused. "I want to talk, we don't do that a lot." Zayn says bemused. "Talk?" Harry answers, sounding a bit like a caveman.

Harry doesn't like talking, that leads to thinking and that's leading him to the thoughts he desperately wants to escape. But maybe he could tell Zayn? Maybe he should open up to Zayn, explain everything he hasn't before. Perhaps he should finally tell him why he's really living with Louis. But what if Zayn disapproves? What if he sees Harry as a disgusting piece of shit? What if he's bothered by how much..experience Harry's had? Is it worth the risk?

Harry looks at Zayn, their breathing slightly uneven, and he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to ruin this. Zayn smiles and nods, answering Harry's question. "Um okay, yeah, what do you want to talk about?" For a second there's a fleeting look on Zayn's face, like he's hiding something too. And it piques Harry's interest.

Now they're both staring at each other, each drowning in the mystery that are thoughts of the past. Almost like a mirror, their eyes reflecting the same questioning glint. However it's like they know they won't say it, not now.

"I just wanted to tell you I won't be able to hang out today, got a doctor's appointment." Zayn says, the opportunity of sharing the unbearable secrets slipping away with the seconds. "Oh. Well, I don't think I can tomorrow, at least not right after school." Harry shrugged. If only they both knew, they were hiding the same thing from each other.

Well what was Harry supposed to do? How do you tell your boyfriend that you're a supposed sex addict? Normal people don't have to deal with shit like that, then again Harry isn't normal.

There's a slight awkward pass but Harry doesn't let it last long, "Do you want to go eat lunch today?" Zayn smiles and nods. If they had any shame they wouldn't go out the closet together, but since they have none and they pay no attention to any homophobia, they step out together. They only thing they fear is teachers, Harry doesn't want to get caught. Anne might hear about it and think Harry has a serious problem.

They walk into the lunch line for the first time this week, Harry decides on a pizza, Zayn picks the spaghetti. They walk back to their usual table abd every reeling feeling Harry had been avoiding abruptly returns when he sees Josh chatting it up with Dan. Harry felt queasy and slightly guilty when he saw Josh's eyes light up when they sat down. He feels horrid he doesn't feel the same, despite what Josh has been trying to pull, heart break is heartbreak and he really doesn't want to hurt anyone.

"Aye. Look who finally decides to join us," Dan teases, sending them a knowing wink. "Shut up Dan. Aye? What are you? A pirate? " Harry shoots back, smiling as he takes a bite of his pizza. Dan just chuckles while shaking his head. A few minutes later, Harry decides to bring it up. Zayn and Dan are in a brutal discussion of what movie they should all go see on the weekend, Harry also informs that Niall and Liam have to come with.

"So Josh," he begins, clearing his throat. "Mr. Salmon, you have him as a teacher right?" Josh tries (and fails) to hide the ecstatic look on his face as he nods. "Yeah..bit of an arse. Says I don't focus and shit. What about him?" If only Josh hadn't kissed him --he never told Zayn about the kiss nor was he planning to-- maybe he could've been excited to help him but now? Now, it was too late.

"He wants me to tutor you," Harry grumbles, trying his hardest not to sound too disappointed. "Wow. Really? I thought Mark was going to," Josh answered, sounding sincerely confused. "Change of plans, I am. So. I can help any day except for Tuesday's, Im busy those days." Out of the corner he sees Zayn pause and furrow his eyebrows in confusion. He ignores it, not wanting to explain.

"Yeah okay, that sounds fair. How many days a week and at what times? " Maybe Harry was overreacting to the Josh problem, maybe Josh has stopped trying to make a pass. Harry sure hopes so. "Um Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday? After school until six?" Harry feels as if Josh is taking over his week when he really thinks of it. Or perhaps he's just overreacting once again.

Harry nods in response- apparently everyone likes to nod their head. The rest of the lunch zooms by and Harry can feel Zayn's interest on what he said about being busy every Tuesday. He also knew he wasn't going to ask. That's how they worked, and Harry couldn't compare it from how he and Louis are. And how Louis and Zayn are.

Louis doesn't stop pestering him if he's curious, or if he notices Harry's just feeling a bit down. It doesn't happen a lot, the being down part, but Louis notices it when it does. With Zayn it's different, Zayn acts like Louis a bit. He'll question and fuss but he eventually stops. Harry thinks he might not want to pry or something. Which is a good thing in a way. But he sometimes wishes he would get Harry to confess, Harry sometimes wishes he could tell someone.

But he never has, so he doesn't know how. The only other people who know are his mum and whoever she told. Yet he didn't even get to tell his mum, then again she experienced it along with him. He just never spoke of it. How could he, when even now he still has difficulty thinking of it. Or more like him. It's always him that his thoughts shade back to. Always wondering, always remembering. It's always his father.

Harry feels drained for some reason when he gets home. "is it your home?" His subconscious asks. Harry calls out a hello and gets silence in response so he figures Louis must be at the office. Usually Harry would walk all the way to his room to change and put away his backpack but the sofa looked so inviting to him. So he decided against it. He drops his backpack next to the couch and slips his shoes off. He grabs the remote from tv stand and walks back to the couch. He can't help the groan that escapes when he lays on it. He doesn't even know why he's so tired but he is. He was partly worried that he would have to help Josh today but Josh informed him they could start on Wednesday. Which gave Harry a winding twinge of relief throughout his body.

Since Zayn and Louis are unavailable he calls Liam. Liam answers after the second ring. "Well look who remembers his best friends," Liam teases, but there's a bitter undertone. It makes Harry feel guilty. " 'M sorry. Just lost track of life. Forgive me?" Harry looks up to the ceiling, smiling at the memories of he and Liam. "Of course Haz. So why're calling? You could've just called me." Harry paused for a second," I dunno. I guess I missed actually hearing you talk."

Unfortunately it was true, that crush he had for Liam, Harry decided, would always be there. Of course it wasn't a huge one but Harry still felt the faint tingles coursing through his veins. He'd never admit it and he'd never persue the feeling. He had also decided that train had passed ages ago.

"Aw. Stop. You're going to make me cry," Liam joked. "How's Niall?" "He's good, been so busy. Finally got himself a boyfriend. I wish you were here to tease them with me. They're so mushy," Harry could hear the lingering grin on Liam's lips, could practically see it. He's seen it a million times before. And so they dove into the conversation, full of just laughter and good friends. And yeah Harry knew he and Liam would never be anything. It was more of the idea that it could have happened because the feelings were there, it's just, it was never the right time.

"Soo. How's Zayn?" Harry didn't respond. He wanted to tell Liam everything. From the Josh kiss to the fact he was hiding the truth about why he was there. Hell he even wanted to tell Liam about his dad, something he never told Niall nor him. He only said a few vague things, nothing of what happened. So he did, he however chose to leave out his father. By the end of it Harry felt like it was a breath of air he had been needing for the longest time. He felt air rush to his head and it felt good.

"Wow. Well, I'm kicking Josh's ass if I ever meet him," Liam paused and Harry let out a strangled laugh. "No but seriously, he crossed the line. But you made it no better by not telling Zayn. I..I think maybe you should tell him, everything, and especially why you're there. I know some people see as a weird thing but if he really likes you, he'll oversee it. No one's perfect Harry, let him see all of you and if he doesn't like it. Then he's the one who loses." Then Harry asked the question he hasn't stopped thinking, "Is it worth it?"

" _Is he?_ "

"Yes of course."

"Then there's your answer. Honesty. It gives you what you need, not always want you want Haz." "You're right," Harry groans. "So you'll do it? You'll tell him?" Liam queries. "No," Harry mumbles. Harry hears Liam groan into the phone.

"I don't mean to do it right at this moment, I just mean do it at your own pace. But you have to do it. Lies tear things apart, they destroy. You say he's worth it, he's the worth risk. So tell him. If it goes wrong you can kick me where it hurts most." The last line gets a smile out of Harry. He knows Liam's right obviously but he's afraid. "Promise I get to kick you?"

"Only if it goes wrong, yes I promise."

\-------

Twenty minutes into the phone call, Niall came over to Liam's and they all spoke and reminisced in old adventures. Niall filled in Harry on his new boyfriend. And Harry couldn't but grin hugely at the fact that Niall finally found someone who was worth his time. Harry fortunately found himself forgetting about whatever it was that was pestering him.

Louis, on the other hand was dealing with a very confused Zayn. And Louis was drowning in guilt. "I want to tell him the truth, I want to but I..I can't." Louis inhales sharply, drowning in a sea of guilt. Guilt because of the fact that he feels something for Harry. It's an agonizing situation.

There's a nostalgic feeling in being around Harry. He wants to kiss him again, he remembers the brief feeling of their lips pressed against each others. He only allows himself to lose himself in the memory rarely. But then again how does forget something like that? Now he can only admire from afar. He feels as if he's lost the privilege to do even that. He can only offer a friendship, only remaining a close friend; a bittersweet and tortious gift.

If only Harry felt the same and if only he and Zayn weren't what they are.

Louis remembers Harry vaguely mentioning how he hates the word: _maybe_. And frankly, Louis' beginning to hate it too. What a cruel word it can be. Leaving you forever suspended in the tiny space between yes or no. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again, I hope this chapter reached your standards. Ps. Please be nice to each other. I know you're intentions are good so thank you. I love you all, lots of love x


	18. The Vunerable Confession.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confessions are said. Feelings are revealed. But who ends up brokenhearted?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this chapter! It's a bit short but I like it. Thanks for reading, lots of love x

Our hearts make decisions for us and nothing we do can change it. You can't stop your pulse from increasing when you see the one your hearts picked and that was Louis' dilemma.

His heart wanted everything that his mind was screaming to run from.

There were so many reasons as to why it was so wrong that he had the slightest interest in Harry but his heart didn't care. It didn't want to listen to the list of ongoing reasons. He decided that he has a selfish heart. _How do you stop the rush you get when your near the one you like?_ The thought of feeling that way for Harry terrifies Louis in every inch of his bones. The thlught of falling in love with Harry makes Louis shiver. "It's just wrong," Louis' thought bites.

But his heart? His heart just keeps saying that's it's right. What's worse? Having to listen to his best friend fall in love with Harry.

He tries to keep his face invasive but inside there's something dying. Maybe his friendship with Zayn, maybe his soul, who knows? "Louis what do I do?" "Isn't that the question of the year?" Louis bitterly thinks. He blinks, trying to collect his feelings and thoughts.  
"Keep it professional Tomlinson!" He reminds himself.

"You could tell him everything, bare your soul to him but I want you to make sure you really want to. You have to be certain in this decision, I know how hard it is for you so I just want to make sure that you want to open up to him," Louis answers, suppressing the guilt that's eating him alive.

"I want to. I know I do. I guess I'm just afraid, afraid he'll go running in the opposite direction."  
"And what makes you so sure of this decision?"  
There's a collective pause in the air and Louis knows whatever it is Zayn says next it'll twist his heart and break it.

"I..I'm not saying I love him right at this very second but I can see it happening. I feel it happening in fact. He's so addicting. I can see myself waking up by his side and going to random places with him just for the hell of it. I can see us getting tattoos. I can see us falling in love. And it's the most wonderful realization I've ever had. But..what if he doesn't feel the same?"

And just like he predicted, Louis was right. That destroyed him. He felt like the walls were melting away, leaving him alone in an open field. He feels the guilt drown him, drawing all the air from his lungs. Zayn deserves the happy ending with Harry, Louis decides.

He's had this realization millions of times over the short spam of time that he's had the feelings and each time the feeling is worse. He knows that he and Harry can never be together, ever. Not even after Harry turns eighteen because who knows what he and Zayn will be by then. 

Louis imagines them getting married and adopting children together. And just having the picket white fence fairy tale ending and it makes his heart clench. He's not saying he wishes for that to be him and Harry but the thought of it _not_ being him and Harry is an unbearable thought he never wants to see become reality. 

Louis zooms back into reality, trying to escape the haunting hollow feeling spreading through every inch of his body and soul. "Then tell him." He says and lets himself sink farther into the desperation of knowing that Harry is not nor will ever be his. 

\------  
Harry was having the exact same troubles as Zayn, guilt and secrets. He realized that if he wanted to make it last he should open up to Zayn and admit why he really was here here. After Louis came home, Harry wanted to have a serious heart to heart about it but Harry didn't when he saw the drained expression on Louis' face.

Matters became worse when he only nodded in Harry's direction before scampering off to his room. Honestly, Harry wanted to chase after him because something in him just couldn't handle theb idea of ~~his~~ Louis being hurt in anyway. But nevertheless he didn't. "Maybe Louis needs the space, " he thought to himself, "I don't want to suffocate him."

It wasn't until dinner time that Louis came out of his room. It was like the great depression was haunting the place, it was obvious Louis had been crying.

He put on a smile but it didn't light up his face like it always did. And it made Harry want to hug the living lights out of him. But he didn't. He just acted like he didn't see the signs. Figured if Louis wanted to talk about it that he'd bring up. Yet something kept springing up in Harry, telling him that maybe just a gentle caress on Louis' back could make the difference.

He ignored it.

Instead they spoke about non-important topics but during a seemingly silent dinner. The silence was anything but silent, it was screaming in fact. However Harry still couldn't figure out what was beating Louis down. And Louis still didn't say anything of it.

So Harry took the opportunity and opened up. Well at least about his problems. He's a selfish sod and he knows that but the words were itching to slip out of his mouth.

   
"I think I'm ready to tell him why I'm here." Louis looked confused for a second, then he looked like someone had punched his puppy right in front of him. "Is that so?" Louis responds, placing mute on the tv. Harry nods with a solemn expression plastered onto his face.

Maybe bringing this up wasn't th best plan.

"He deserves to know. I trust him Lou. A lot." There it was again, the pained look painted on Louis' face. Harry didn't give it much thought, mostly because over thinking things lead to too many problems. "Uh. Well. That's..great. Go for it." Harry smiled and Louis smiled but it was an empty one.

"I have to confess something." Harry blurts again, looking down instead at the scarily upset eyes of Louis. "Go on then."

What Harry wanted to say was that he had moments where he saw Zayn more as a best friend or brother than an actual lover. But what he did say was, "We had sex."

It was odd. And Harry had no absolute idea why he said it but he did. Louis sighed deeply, looking disappointed and something else that he couldn't quite decipher.

"Harry.."he began, closing his eyes. "You know what's right and what's wrong. You know what's a wise decision. So if you're expecting a lesson from me you're not going to get one. You're almost an adult. But you're also dealing with what could be a serious addiction. Keep that in mind. And yes, you should know, I am disappointed. Even though you didn't ask."

 Before Harry could let the uneasy feeling of Louis' disappointment sink into his skin, Louis blurted, "I'm gonna head to bed early, too tired." Harry frowned but didn't comment.

Louis nods, as if he were confirming something. 'Wonder what it was?' 

Harry hears Louis' receding footsteps, fading into the hallway and wonders if there's something seriously wrong. But if there is,is he really the one who should help?

\--------  
Louis sighs as he closes the door of his room. He feels wrecked inside and not the good kind of wrecked. He feels as if someone tore out his heart and slammed with a sledge hammer repeatedly. He feels even worse about the Harry situation. He groans, sliding down his down.

"They're going to fall in love- they already are and you're going to stay miserable." His thoughts chant. He's a shit friend and he hasn't even told Zayn how he feels. There's no point. And part of him knows he would lose him if he did. Which is the exact opposite of what he wants.

Silence speaks more than words ever can and Louis' drowning in them. He feels guilty and heartbroken all at once. He knew it would be a long shot for Harry to ever feel the same, more like impossible, but there was that small twinge of hope haunting his bones.

But the answer was quite obvious.

He's snapped out of his thoughts when he hears a quite tap on his door. He contemplates opening and letting Harry in but what good will that do? Then again what's the harm now?

He gives in into the dangerous temptation and gets up to open the door. He can't keep doing this, allowing himself to sink farther into his feelings. He's only hurting himself.

And his only defense is that maybe the pain's worth it. 

When he does finally open the door, his damned heart speeds up more than he's likely to admit. "Yes?" He squeaks, staring expectantly at Harry. "I was wondering if you needed a friend?" Louis stares back at him warily while inside he's squealing.

"I don't want you to be a friend. I want you to be more." He says to himself, not hiding the sullen aching tone in his voice. 

 But then Harry's staring at him with widen eyes. "What did you just say Louis?" Harry quickly asks. 

And Louis feels his mouth become overwhelmingly dry. His heads spinnig and Harry staring at like he's a dea rat- disgusted (or what Louis thinks is disgust) astonishment. He can't answer, can't breathe, just stare back.

"Louis." Harry repeats, a wild look burning in his eyes. Louis strangely feels like crying. He's going to go to jail, he knows it.

"Uh. You need to go to sleep, you have school." Then he shuts the door and makes sure to lock it. "Louis! Wait!" He hears Harry's muffled voice say.

Warmth flows down his cheeks and he realizes he's crying. He shakes his head, "why am I crying?" he thinks. "Oh yeah because I'm basically a pedophile and now Harry hates me." He bitterly answers.  He wipes away the tortured tears although more return. He makes his way to his bed, the blankets welcoming him with no judgement.

"I just ruined everything." Louis sobs, finding it difficult to breathe.

It's like waves of feelings. Sometimes he feels as if the damned feeling is receding. Like maybe he's finally moved on  from the pointless crush but then he sees Harry and that feeling comes back full force.

The agony doesn't compare to the desperation of wanting to drown in that feeling; wanting to drown in him. It's devastating how much he wants to hold onto that feeling, to the memory of him. He can still remember the silk like texture of Harry's lips underneath his and he wants to reel in that heart breaking feeling.

It's the worst punishment; caring for someone who you know won't feel the same for you. But there's always a nagging thought that maybe, just maybe it could happen.

Sadly enough Louis can't seem to hear that thought anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? I love reading comments. Lots of love x


	19. Another Confession.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its the aftermath of the confession. Things change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deeply apologize for the wait! Things haven't been okay with me. Drama. Anyways I will try to update faster bc I know how frustrating it can get waiting for updates. But here's the update. I hope you enjoy it like I enjoyed writing it. Thank you. I really appreciate all the reads. Bless you all beautiful humans. Lots of love xx  
> 

Throughout Louis' life he always heard that the truth could set you free. It's true- somewhere inside, something's able to breathe again. But what they never cared to mention is how hard it would be to admit the truth or how much it would hurt. And now Louis was learning it the hard way.

He was drowning in the truth, guilt had a grasp on his ankle and wouldn't let him swim up to breathe. He actually felt like water was filling his lungs and the only way to let the water out was by crying his heart out.

He knew Harry could hear (he was still mumbling words behind the door between them), yet the tears wouldn't stop. The sharp feeling wouldn't stop.

You know that moment when you just can't function, you can't do anything but let the pain blanket over you? That's what Louis was feeling. He didn't what was going to come next and who he would lose. Because, obviously he was going to lose someone. Harry or Zayn. _Or both_. And how he would deal with that he doesn't know. Even imagining it felt like he was laying in a bed of thorns.

The incessant knocking seemed to die away and Louis felt himself die a little too. For all he knew, Harry could be packing to leave and never be seen again.

That was the bitter truth- if Harry left, Louis knows that they would never meet again. That simple idea brings on a harsher round of tears.  
\--------------

Louis awoke hours later, when the sun was saying its' bashful hello. And nothing felt right. He felt like the world was collapsing in front of his eyes. Harry had the ability to snatch everything away from him, in just one sentence. Anne would hate him, probably report him or something, Zayn would hate him and worst off Harry would hate him as well.

How it got this far, he doesn't really know. All he was supposed to do was his job. He wasn't supposed to feel something. He wasn't supposed to feel _anything_. Damn Harry, damn him for being beautiful in the ways that count.

Of course Louis believes he's one of the most beautiful humans he's ever laid eyes on but his personality is so much more beautiful. Harry has this personality where he acts confident but there's moments where insecurity creeps out. And there are the moments where he falls into a shy orbit and doesn't know how to be around Louis. It's endearing and it makes Louis want to kiss him. But he can't do that and he shouldn't want to.

Louis gets up from his bed, hoping that Harry hasn't awoken yet and gets dressed. He quietly walks to his door and gently opens it. He's about to walk out into the hall when he looks down and a gasp falls from his lips. Harry's there sleeping on the floor in the shape of a ball.

And just when Louis didn't think Harry could get more beautiful- he did.

\-------

Louis couldn't put how he was feeling into words even if is his life depended on it. He feel a marvelous shot of adoration swell inside and he felt a bit guilty he had let Harry sleep outside his door. But he also felt something else. Something he thought had packed its bags and left- _hope_.

Louis snapped out of his staring and squats down to try lifting Harry. It doesn't really work until Harry wraps his arms around Louis' shoulders and neck. With all the strength Louis had, he picks Harry and finds that Harry's not really that heavy.

Whether Harry's asleep or not Louis doesn't know, yet somehow it makes it all that much easier. Louis turns back into his room and places Harry on his bed. He knows he should've taken Harry to his own room but this felt more right. Or maybe he just wanted Harry to leave his scent before he disappears from his life forever.

Louis assumes Harry's asleep because his eyes are closed and covers him with the blanket. Louis can't stop himself from staring down at Harry. He also can't stop himself from brushing his fingers against Harry's soft cheek. "I'm going to miss you when you leave,"Louis whispers, ignoring the overwhelming sensation of wanting to cry. Louis gives into his feelings and places a kiss on Harry's forehead, feeling the tears climb into place.

"But as much I want to, I don't regret feeling this way for you." He whispers. This time he forces himself to pull away and turns again, heading for his door. As he finally opens it, he hears Harry's raspy voice. "I'm not going anywhere," he quietly murmurs.

Louis feels as if he can really hear angels sing in the background and a tear falls from one of his sore eye. He can't really say anything so he nods and leaves, because Harry needs his sleep. He heads to the bathroom, feeling better than last night but not quite to the best he could be. He takes care of his business and when he's at the kitchen, grabbing a cup of coffee, he decides to leave a note to show Harry he's not upset with him.

Although it should be Harry who's upset.

\-------

Harry wakes up two hours later, his eyes struggling to adjust to the light of the room. He panics for a slight second before realizing he's in Louis' room. Which sends a feeling of comfort through him. He can't help it when he breathes in Louis scent. His lungs are overwhelmed with the smell of cinnamon. It's faint but Harry revels in it. He enjoys the peace before his mind travels back to the events of last night.

  
"He likes me. Oh my god. Louis likes me." Harry sits up, quick enough to disorient himself for a slight second. The feelings that surge with him, he can't explain. He feels giddy. What does that mean then?

  
Harry runs a hand through his hair when he remembers Zayn. He feels conflicted and confused. He doesn't know how he feels towards Louis, all he knows is that there's something there. He labels it off as a adoration because Louis' his idol. And that's it. That's all it can be, right?

Harry looks around until he finds Louis' clock on the dresser. He's already missed his first two hours. He considered staying home but maybe the fresh air will do him good. It's not that he's disgusted by Louis' feelings, if anything he likes it, but the odds. They're against them.

Figuring its better to be late than not go he gets dressed in record time for school. He's dashing around the kitchen, trying to find a quick snack when he finds a note on the table. For a second, he freezes because he knows it's from Louis. It could be to tell him to pack his bags and Harry was hoping it wasn't that. He wasn't ready to leave. Not yet.

He swallows his fear and holds the note shakily in his hands. You know that moment when just one thing can change your life forever; one text, one call, one sentence, or even just one word alone. Just one thing and poof everything is no longer what it was before and there's no going back. There's no way to unsee it nor unhear it. It's there and all you can do is face it. Well Harry was terrified that this note could be that "one" thing.

Facing the inevitable, he opens and reads it. " _It's you._ " Just two words and there are goosebumps rising all over his body- but the good kind. One of Harry's fingers traced lightly over the ink. "It's you. What's me? What does that mean?" Of course Harry had an idea of what it possibly meant but like any normal human, he pushed it farther and farther into the abyss of his mind.

And like all of the thoughts before, the plundering idea came back stronger. Still Harry wouldn't let himself believe it. Not when so much could go wrong. So instead of giving it more thought, he stuffed the note in his jacket pocket. He could feel its burn through the clothing. But no. Now's not the time. Not when he's so utterly confused. He needs to breathe, needs to understand, _needs Louis_.

\-----

Harry escaped the house and walked towards the direction he was sure the school was at. It felt good to have the fresh air in his lungs, it didn't really help with his confusion, but the beauty of the scenery reminded him of Louis. And Zayn.

By the time he got to the school's building, he decided to go through with his former plan. He would tell Zayn. Then go from there. Everything was up to fate now. By then again fate has never been his friend.

He pauses on the street across of the school and decides if it really is worth going to. He's already missed so much, the rest of the day can't hurt, can it? Harry decides to sit on the bench nearby, trying to think through. How is he going to explain, how is he going to tell Zayn that he's slept with more people than he can remember. How does one do something like that?

Harry in the end,spends the rest of the day on that bench, staring at the school and listening to music. It's funny how fast the time can go when you're evaluating your life choices.

It wasn't long before spills of students came out through different directions. And it wasn't long before Zayn spotted Harry. Harry felt something bite his heart when he saw Zayn's light up- guilt. The guilt of having kept things a secret for so long. Guilt that he had kissed his best friend on more than one occasion. Zayn probably wouldn't look at him the same, wouldn't act the same, but at least he would know. And that's the most important thing- isn't it?

"Harry! Hey. Where were you? You could have at least texted me to tell me you weren't going to come." Zayn said but he didn't really sound mad. Zayn wrapped Harry into a tight hug and the guilt rose in Harry. Nevertheless he hugged him even tighter in fear that Zayn wouldn't want to see him again. "Zayn," Harry choked out. Zayn just hummed in response and Harry was so close to just not telling him ever. But it wouldn't be fair.

"I. I have something to tell you." Zayn goes rigid for a second and Harry feels his own heart accelerate. He's never really had to explain this, whatever this is, because he's never accepted it.

Yet here it was laughing at him- all the people he slept with, haunting in with the choices he made. With the past he has.

"W-what is it?" Zayn asks, sounding like a frightened young boy. "I- um. Here let's sit." So they do and Harry doesn't let himself let go of Zayn. He isn't really sure how he feels for him, but he does know that if anything Zayn is his friend.

Zayn is is important.

Harry begins with a simple, "I need you to just um hear me out." It feels like in the movies when everything turns to the worst. But unlike the movies, he doesn't know how this will turn out. Zayn only nods and Harry looks down at their intertwined hands. It's easy to focus on that, how united they are, their friendship. It's easier than looking into Zayn's eyes.

_This was it._

"I'm not quite sure how to explain this but I'm sure you're curious as to why I'm here. Why I'm living with Louis. So. I'm going to tell you." There's a silence Harry can't explain but it's almost deafening and suffocating. Explaining it was the hardest thing he had to do when he, himself, didn't even understand. And when Zayn pulled his hand away as if Harry had stabbed a knife through it, it only made things worse.

"How many people?" Zayn asks, coldly. Harry freezes for a second, cowering away. "I-I don't know. A lot?" Harry's heart, Harry's whole body sparks in pain when Zayn bursts out laughing. "How disgusting." He bites.

Harry wants to reach out and pull Zayn back as he gets up and stands in front of Harry. "You know, I hate being lied to. And I actually really liked you. But who knows who you've been with. For all I know you could've given me an STD. Great. Just great." Zayn almost growls and Harry feels sad tormenting him.

"I didn't lie. I didn't tell you the truth but I didn't lie." He explains, as if it could save this. Which was useless when it was evident there was no saving it.

"This is over." Zayn answers and backs away shaking his head as if he's disappointed. When Zayn finally vanishes from his sight, Harry breaks.

The tears rolls slowly at first, almost like a broken melody, his sobs joining like a chorus. His whole body shakes and no one seems to care. He doesn't know how long he stays there but the tears die down and all that's left is the bitter taste of all types of rejection. Harry never knew how horrible it felt to be rejected for not being able to help what he's already done.

Harry stopped his dark thoughts when he felt his phone vibrate through his pockets. He considered not answering when he saw it was Louis but something bigger inside of him craved Louis, like a dying person craved peace.

"Harry? Where are you? You were supposed to be home two hours ago." Louis' voice says through the phone. And Harry can't do anything but listen. "Harry? Are you okay? Where are you? Answer me." "He hates me." Harry responded, his throat aching. "Where are you?" So Harry tells him.

"I'm coming for you." And before harry could protest (not that he would) Louis hung up. Louis came within five minutes. Even though Harry saw his car, he couldn't bring himself to move. Louis seemed to know that because he got out of the car. In the blink of his eyes, Louis was already in front of him. Harry didn't really want to explain and Louis wasn't really asking.

He took a seat beside him and Harry leaned his head on Louis' shoulder. "When you're ready," Louis says. And Harry couldn't be more grateful. He felt drained, even just thinking about it took a lot from him. After a few minutes, Louis breaks the silence, "Let's go home angel." But is it really home?

Harry nods and Louis takes hold of his hand. Honestly, Harry doesn't really mind, he lets him hold it. When they get in the car, it's Harry who takes Louis' hand this time. The car was filled with silence however it was a sweet silence that let Harry drown in the pain. That's the only way it would get better- by letting it do it's thing. By letting it hurt until it begins to heal.

When they got to the house, Harry still couldn't bear letting go of his hand. As they enter Harry finally answers the question that taunts him. _Yes. This is home._ Louis walks to the kitchen and Harry follows, missing the warmth of his hand. Louis looks lost as to what he's doing in the kitchen until he finally regains whatever thought he had lost. "We're going to make dinner. You're helping." Harry then cracks the smallest smile, nodding.

They decide on spaghetti because its simple. When the noddles are soaking in the water, Harry feels himself lose grasp of his emotions. In a second Louis rushes over, and smothers him in a crushing hug. But Harry likes how tight it is. He lets himself cry into Louis' neck. Harry doesn't understand why it hurts, maybe because it could be true. What Zayn said, about him being disgusting, maybe its true.

"I-I uh told him. He hates-hates me now. He said I'm disgusting." Harry sobs, his voice coming out in puffs of breaths. His voice cracking into a laugher fills with malice.  Louis tenses for a second and Harry can't help but continue. "How come you don't hate me? Like how do you do it-" Louis pulls away so he and Harry are looking straight into each others eyes.

"Because I don't care, it was your past. You can't change it. I care about your now. I care about you, period. And nothing you do changes that." Harry's eyes fill with tears and Harry's name is on Louis lips when Harry kisses him. Louis knows he should pull away but it's like his common sense has been taken and left with just his irrational emotions. Harry feels a tear escape but he continues kissing Louis.

He knows he's crossing the line, yet he can't stop. He can't the passion filling his veins. He can't stop the light feeling from filling his body.

Harry feels disappointment fill his body taking the place of the wonderful flutters of peace when Louis pulls away. Louis rests his forehead against Harry's. "I can't keep doing this Harry. Not unless I know you want this too." Harry closes his eyes for a second, trying to clear his feelings.

"I-I don't know what I'll want tomorrow, if I want to be in a relationship. I just know I want you. I just want you." And though it isn't really fair for himself, Louis lets himself slip back into that state of mind where he has no mind, just a heart and kisses Harry again.

Because that's the only thing he can do when he's crazy for Harry the way he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. Thoughts on it? Lots of love x


	20. Not So Easily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Larry and Zarry?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to update much faster now. Thanks for reading, you're amazing. Hope you guys are enjoying reading this as much as I am enjoying writing this. It feels good to write Larry. Enjoy this chapter. Lots of love xxx

Kisses.

Soft touches.

Louis couldn't let go, not even though his spaghetti was ready to be served. Not even though he heard a knock on the door. He didn't _want_ to. He wanted to stay forever in this moment, feeling the younger boy’s lips pressed against his own. He wanted to stay forever in the moment of where he fell in love with the curly haired lad. Because he was in love with Harry. He realizes that now. He doesn't know when it happened exactly, maybe it was the moment he met him or maybe it was the first time they kissed. Whenever it was, it seemed to be so long ago. He can’t even remember what life was like before Harry. And sure, he could get in serious trouble for this. He would be hated and condemned to hell. But he’s used to being hated for who he loves.

Perhaps he’s rushing things, he doesn't mean to. It’s actually how terrifying how sure he is that he loves Harry. Especially since he knows Harry doesn't love him back. However Louis would wait forever, he’d wait a million forever’s as long as he at least got to spend one moment ofwith Harry by his side.

“Louis, as much as I like this, someone’s at the door. Don’t you think we better get that?” Harry asked, his lips a darker color than before. A pleasant color. Louis nods and hums, "hmm. Yeah. I’ll get it. You serve the food yeah?” Harry nods and Louis can’t help but peck him on the lips once more. God, he’ll never get tired of that. Harry apparently didn't mind, he sent Louis a warm smile and kissed him briskly on the cheek before nudging him over.

Whoever was knocking seemed to have been waiting a long while because their knocking got harsher and louder as Louis got closer. For a split second, Louis grew worried of who it could be. “What if it’s Anne? What if she somehow knows that I have the hots for her son?” Louis chirps inside his head.

But deciding to face his fear, instead of swallowing it, he opened the door. Everything happened too quickly for Louis' mind to process it all. In one second he was pressed roughly against the wall with pain shooting up his spine. He opened his eyes and realized he was staring into the crazed and pained eyes of Zayn. He felt pain vibrate throughout him but this time it didn't come from his back, it came from his heart. 

"It's your fault! You, you, y-you didn't tell me! Arsehole!" Zayn screamed, his voice slurring. Louis was suffocated in the smell of alcohol and smoke. Louis didn't know what do or say, he just stared bewildered at Zayn. How was he supposed to react? 

Harry barged into the room, taking in the scene but before he could breathe Zayn's fist collided with Louis' face. Pain roared throughout him, making him wince back. Harry cried out and Zayn repeated the action. Louis felt as if someone had thrown a basketball at his face. Zayn had one hell of a punch. Harry struggled to separate Zayn from Louis but even when he did, Zayn managed to kick Louis painfully in the stomach, sending Louis to the ground. He didn't even understand how it was all his fault- unless, maybe Zayn knew. But how could he? 

Maybe this was his punishment for loving Harry. But god, hasn't he been punished enough? Zayn was sobbing in despair and Harry stood there breathing unevenly. Their beautiful moment had been ruined and replaced by one of total heartbreaking destruction.  

"Why didn't you warn me of Harry? Why didn't you tell me! Why did you let him break my heart. All this time, I've been telling you how I felt so strongly for him and you- you didn't have the decency to tell me his dirty little secret!"Zayn screeched, betrayal biting down on him. Louis stood up, wincing slightly in pain. "It wasn't my secret to tell." Louis began. Sure Zayn was his best friend but he had no right to attack him the way he did. 

"It wasn't something I could tell you, patient-doctor confidentiality. And even then I wouldn't have told you-" "You ass-" "Shut up!" Louis bellowed, tired of being blamed, tired of feeling as if he did something wrong. Tired of people making Harry feel like he's wrong.

 "You do not come into my house, attack me physically, then try to attack me verbally! And you most certainly do not have the right to degrade and insult Harry the way you just did! I love you but I think it's best you head home. And don't come back for a while. As much as I want to help you with your issues, I cannot risk you hurting me or Harry."

Louis felt his heart sink as he saw more tears gather in Zayn's eyes. "I'm sorry!" Zayn cried but they both knew, there was only so far sorry could go. "Please go," Louis stated, not bearing to take a glimpse in Zayn's direction. "B-but." Zayn paused, staring intensely at Harry while tears rolled down his cheek. "I love you." And he left.

Louis had never felt worse, knowing someone too loved Harry and that person happened to be his best friend.

\----- 

The house was silent, so Harry could hear Louis' heart breaking. He didn't know what to say, he felt as if it were his fault. Louis still hadn't moved and Harry went to finish serving the slightly cold food. When he was done and Louis still hadn't moved he went to check up on him. Louis looked the same- torn. Torn in the realization he was just attacked by someone he loved and how he should feel about it. 

Harry walked towards him. "Louis?" But he didn't move, just stood there, staring at the door where he saw Zayn walk away. Harry shakily brought his hand up to caress Louis' cheek lightly. Louis closed his eyes and Harry moved to wrap his arms Louis' shoulders, Louis responded by wrapping his tightly around Harry's waist. 

Oh how have the tables turned, this time Harry was comforting Louis and ironically it was over the same guy. 

Louis didn't cry but his heart was beating unevenly his chest. Before Harry could let Louis know he was there for him, Louis ended the tortured silence. "C'mon let's eat." Harry nodded, while frowning because Louis didn't sound the same. He sounded sad, and almost smug,  as if he almost knew this was going to happen. 

They ate in a suffocating silence and it felt like ages ago when Harry was pressed up against the counter with Louis on his lips. It's funny, how quickly things can go from being one of the best moments of his life to a horrifying nightmare. 

It was after dinner, when they had finished cleaning up that Harry couldn't handle the silence. "I'm sorry." Louis stared at him bewildered. "Why are you sorry? S'not your fault." 

Harry shrugged, stepping closer to Louis as they walked down the hall. "Don't be." Louis shook his head as if Harry being sorry were the most absurd thing on Earth. Harry paused when they reached Louis' room because he wasn't sure if he could go or not. "Well come on, don't wanna be alone. I doubt you do." Louis said, grab a hold of Harry's hand and dragging him into his room. 

Harry spun Louis around and quickly pulled him into a hug. Louis sighed into it and nearly crushed Harry's whole body. "I'm sorry." Louis said. "What for?" Harry asked, holding onto Louis tighter. "For the things Zayn said- or didn't say. He made it seem as if you did something wrong or you- like if there was something wrong with you. When there's not." Louis felt like crying. And he felt ridiculous for wanting to cry. 

"No need to be sorry. I know the only thing I've done wrong is keep it from him for so long. And I know that, trust me, if I could go back and tell him sooner I would. But I can't and it's okay, it is what it is."  

Louis was speechless because Harry was handling this better than he was. And though he got physically attacked, Harry didn't get out of it unscathed. Although Zayn didn't say the words, he said "dirty little secret" as if it were actually disgusting.

So as much as Louis didn't know what to respond- he did know how to listen. "Uh. You know, we never had your session. Do you..want to talk now? I mean- we don't have to but I feel like it might do you good?" Louis' voice rose a bit higher at the end. Louis didn't really know what Harry's answer would be but he would be lying if he denied the fact that he was surprised that Harry agreed.

"But can we like sit on your bed? I dunno, there's something relaxing about your room." Or maybe it had to do with the fact that they had shared a lot of intimate moments in this room. This is where it all started, (or maybe it was his house, when he first walked down the stairs and saw the beautiful Louis Tomlinson) this is where they shared their first kiss. And hopefully there would be no last. It just felt right.

They sat on Louis' bed with their legs crossed and facing each other. Louis could tell Harry was a bit nervous- he was fidgeting with the bracelets he always seemed to wear on his wrist. Louis wasn't sure how to start, he had a question badgering him but he knew it would have to wait. "How did you feel when you woke up today?" It was a simple question but Harry didn't seem to have an answer. He opened his mouth and the words died on his tongue. _How had he felt?_ It seemed as if the morning had a been century ago.

"I felt..confused? All I knew was there was someone wonderful feeling something wonderful for me and no one's really felt that for me- aside from you know..Zayn. But it was different somehow. People have always wanted me for sex and I never really cared. And Zayn, he- he. I don't know. It was just different. You. You are different, " Harry paused, helplessly blushing because talking about his feelings out in the open wasn't really his thing.

Louis couldn't hide the small smile inching its way onto his lips. Harry looked down at his hands. "You wanted or want me as more than just a body. It seems like that. The farthest we've done is kiss but it feels as if you've seen me at my most vulnerable. Like you've almost seen me completely bare. And like. Um. No one's really gotten this far. And I can't explain but it's just- yeah." Louis' heart was stuttering in his chest because he had no idea Harry felt like this. Louis was still in a daze when Harry got him off guard and asked him the question Louis had asked him. Louis figured it was only fair.

"I..I felt like my world was crashing down." Louis felt a sense of strange relief in telling Harry, in telling anyone honestly. "I was panicking, thinking I would be thrown in a jail cell before I could have a cup of coffee. And I thought I had made a major mistake- whether it was because I feel this way for you or if its because I told you I wasn't sure. I didn't know what I was doing honestly. All I knew was I had to get out. And." Louis pauses, shaking his head as he chuckles.

"And I open my door. There you were and that's when I knew that my mistake isn't you, it's thinking there's something wrong with me wanting to be with you."

They stared at each other smiling goofy smiles when Louis asked what he knew he had to ask. "What did you feel when he told you he loved you?" Harry sucked in a breath but he didn't really look surprised- if anything he looked smug.

"I felt bewildered because that was the first time someone had told me they loved me. But at the same time I didn't believe it. I felt like it was more like a desperate plea to save what was slipping through his fingertips. I don't know if he meant it. However I do know it felt like nothing compared to when you told me how you felt."

Louis couldn't help himself and he kissed Harry because he could. There was something really beautiful in that. When he pulled away he realized it hadn't felt like he were Harry's therapist. It felt normal. And Louis liked that; he liked it very much. Harry pulled him into another kiss. One that was more urgent, more based on their human instincts.

Louis leaned back onto the bed and they only broke the kiss for a slight second to smile before they were back at it. Harry's hands were on each side of Louis' head and Louis' hands were gripping Harry's hair. Never had he felt more alive then in that moment feeling Harry's racing heart against his with time slipping away as if it had no importance at all.

It felt like hours before they stopped. They had to. Harry had school and Louis had work, unfortunately. But they laid in bed together, Harry's lanky limbs intertwined with Louis'. Louis had his head on Harry's chest, with sleeping drowning him into his dreams.

Before sleep took over completely he asked a question he's always been afraid to ask- "Harry, what happened to your dad?" Harry answered. Sadly, sleep had already taken Louis prisoner.


	21. Two Days.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two days since Louis and Harry let their feelings free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this story makes me feel good, like somehow I'm making someone happy. I dunno it's a good feeling. Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanks for reading (: (P.s. I saw the boys on 9.16.14 the concert was absolutely amazing. Blown away. So proud of our boys. So proud.) Lots of love xxx

It's funny how long two days can feel. How much longing you can hold in your heart for someone. How much guilt can lurk in the corners of your mind.

Louis had gotten a call from Anne, she wanted to hear how Harry was doing since he wasn't calling her much. It was then every inch of guilt scratched at his skin. "Good," he had answered and he wondered how much she would hate him for kissing her son. "Is he ready to come home?" She had asked with such worry and hope in her voice.

While Louis was having selfish thoughts of wanting to keep him forever. He had froze, although Harry wasn't ready, he thought of the day he would be. The thought gave him a morbid feeling in his heart. "No, not yet," he answered, he had wanted to say more but the guilt wanted to bite him until he bled.

"I miss him so much," she sighed and Louis' heart churned. He bit his lip trying to think of what to say but she continued talking, filing the still silence. "I- he hasn't- he's um. Okay. I said something I didn't exactly mean? It just- it. It came out wrong. And I. He hasn't said anything about it and I feel like that's why he's not calling. I. I'm his mother and I just wish he knew I love him no matter what. All I want is for him to be happy. Can you- can you just please help him find happiness? I don't care how long it takes or what it is, unless it's drugs. " she paused with Louis' pulse racing. "I just want him to find the happiness in life that makes him want to live. He deserves it, after everything."

Louis desperately wanted to ask about Harry's dad yet he couldn't. He didn't feel as if it would be fair to Harry. No; Harry had to tell him when he was ready.

"I want that for him too," Louis blurted. He regretted it a second later because he figured it would sound a bit weird. Or perhaps he was just panicking. However in the end, it was true; he wanted Harry to be happy even if it meant he had to leave Louis.

"He's almost there Anne, he's just. There's something blocking him but m-" he stuttered for a second, cutting himself off from saying "my Harry." "But my faith in Harry has never wavered," he finished, hoping his voice wasn't betraying him and displaying how nervous he was on the inside. "Thank you, Louis. " Anne replied, Louis felt an odd mix of guilt and something light in his chest. Despite his intimate relationship with Harry; he was helping him and that's what really matters. Louis opened his mouth to respond however Anne had one last thing to say.

" We talked once, he couldn't sleep. He was half asleep, I was half asleep, but he said he missed me. And we just talked. Do you want to know what we talked about?" Louis felt a warmth in his heart and he responded with a breezy yes.

"You, Louis." She answered, "We talked about you."

\----

Harry sat in class, thinking if when he would see Zayn and missing Louis' voice. He wondered when he would see Zayn again and if they would say anything. Or would they leave the words forever suspended in the deafening tension between them?

He wanted to talk to Zayn, he wanted to explain better. He wanted to tell him he had remained faithful. He wanted Zayn in his life but most importantly he wanted Zayn in Louis' life. Although Louis tried to hide it, Harry could see his shoulders sag when he looked out the window towards the direction of Zayn's house. It's torture having him so close yet ever so far. He wanted to make things right, he wanted to apologize to Zayn and he wanted Zayn to apologize. Not necessarily to him but to Louis.

Every time Harry remembered how it felt to see Louis cry out in pain, it twists his heart in a uncomfortable manner.

However whenever he does think of that night, he starts to think of their kiss. In the beginning, that what was what he wanted; to feel Louis pressed up against him lost in the feeling of their lips trapped together. And he finally got that. Yet it's so much more now, he can't explain, it's become more than just a physical attraction. It's like Louis clouds his thoughts and Harry doesn't really know what it is.

\-----

When Harry gets home from school, the house is silent. The silence doesn't last long, an unsure knock interrupts the peace. Harry looks through the peephole and his blood freezes; it's Zayn. Harry considers not opening but after two days of not seeing him, he figured it's better to face it now.

A warm draft flows into the house when Harry opens the door and looks into Zayn's tired eyes. Zayn looks surprised that Harry actually opened. "H-hey." He stutters after blinking repeatedly for a few seconds. His voice doesn't send chills through his spine like Louis' does. "Hi." Harry answers, his voice more guarded than he had expected it would be.

"Can I? Can I come in?" Zayn asked, his eyes flying with nerves. "Depends on what you're here for." Harry asks, reluctantly stepping to the side to allow Zayn in. Zayn hesitated for a second, "I just. I came here to talk, that's it." Harry hated to admit how much he had missed being close to Zayn. Not because he felt something but because in the end, Zayn had been a friend. And though he tried to ignore it; his words burned.

Zayn sat stiffly and nervously on the couch. Harry considered asking him if he wanted a drink yet they both knew there was no point. They had a conversation they both couldn't escape.

"How is he?" Zayn blurted, Harry taking a seat on the opposite couch. Facing him, he felt like they were worlds away. He wondered if he could have ever loved Zayn or if he was condemned to never know what love felt like.

"He's..He. He's not okay, in all honesty." Harry felt odd to talk about Louis but he felt something warm inside at the idea that Zayn might still care for his best friend. "I was so fucked that day. I. I love him you know? I. Fuck. I'm so sorry. Can you just tell him that? I can't look him in the eyes, I can't even look at him. Not after what I did." Zayn paused, looking distraught. "He's one of the most important people in my life. And. It sucks to think that I might have lost him forever-"

"You haven't. " Harry intervenes. He shakes his head, words falling from his lips," I don't think you have. He loves you. I mean I don't think he'll forgive you so quickly, no one would right away. But he won't leave. You're a part of his life." A brief silence overcame them. 

"I'm sorry to you too." Zayn says quietly, his eyes falling onto the ground. Harry follows his gaze, unable to respond. What was he supposed to respond, that it was okay? "It was a lot. A lot for me. I'm pretty fucked up inside, I mean. Louis' my therapist for Christ's sake. Haven't you figured it out?" Harry looks up at him and nods with a resigned look. Zayn stares at him bewildered.

"I figured it out when you kept going away on Monday's at the same time Louis had an appointment. I never said anything because I figured you would when you felt the right was time," Harry paused, staring at Zayn. "I know I didn't tell you soon enough. It's just. How could I tell you something I didn't even believe myself?" Zayn nodded with a grim expression.

"I know. I know that now. I've spent every hour thinking of it. But." Zayn pauses, the faintest of tears growing in his eyes. "I don't think I can be with you. I'm trying to fix myself. I know I must sound like an arse. I. I just. There's times in life where you have to be selfish in order for you to be happy. This is one of those times. I don't know if I meant it when I said I loved you. I wanted to so badly, but I wasn't there yet. " Despite himself, he felt tears gather in his eyes.

"Does this mean..you won't be in my life anymore?" Harry knows he sounds foolish. However he wants Zayn in his life, he still cares about him the way you care about your best friends. He doesn't want Zayn to be miserable, he understands why he can't be with him.  Even Harry can't be with Zayn. They weren't meant to be. Not when he feels something for Louis.

Zayn kneels before him and takes one of his huge hands. "Just for a little while. I need to get my life back in order. I need to start living. I wish I could tell you what's wrong but that's another conversation for another day. "

"What-what do I tell Louis?" Harry holds on tight to Zayn's skinny hand. "Tell him that I love him." Zayn places a kiss on Harry's lips, tasting him in for the last time. The tears roll without permission.

Zayn gets up, "I'll see you around school but can you- Can you not say hi or anything until I'm ready?" Harry nods, understanding yet not understanding why at the same time. Zayn walks to the door, Harry frozen on the couch. "Take care of him until I can be in his life again, will you?" "Course." Harry finds his voice. Harry wants to tell him. He wants to tell him how confused he feels. How wonderful he feels. How he doesn't know what this is. He knows it's not lust but he knows it's not love.

"I know by the way. About you and Lou." Harry chokes on air. "What?" Zayn gives a bittersweet smile," The way you two look at each other...friends don't look at each other like that. " Harry feels himself blush and dip in guilt at the same time.

"It's okay, though. I'm glad. If Louis deserves anyone in the world, I'm glad it gets to be you." Zayn gives him a final, sad, smile andn leaves without another word. Harry wants to stop him but his head is spinning. How long had Zayn known? Was he that obvious?

Harry sat there for who knows how long before the door opened and in walked in the person he had longed to see all day.

"Boner boy?" Louis calls out, the nickname he assigned him when Harry had gotten hard during a really hot make out session makes Harry blush. Some people call their people "baby" or "babe" _but no_. Harry gets stuck with boner boy. Although he won't admit it; he likes it. He likes that Louis has a special name for him. Even if it's not the most romantic.

"In here!" Harry replies, rubbing his face with his hands. Louis walks in and when Harry looks up he reminds him of an angel. Harry gets up and kisses him. He feels Louis smile into the kiss thus leading Harry to smile as well. "What was that for?" Louis asks, pulling away. "I just missed you," Harry shrugs.

Harry watches Louis blush and he wishes the world could witness just how beautiful Louis Tomlinson really is.

"C'mon let's watch a movie." Harry sighs happily, pulling Louis onto the couch with him. He reaches for the remote on the coffee table and then settles comfortably beside Louis. "As long as it's not a porno." Louis giggles when Harry smacks him on the chest. "Shut up. You wish you could watch a porno with me."

"Actually," Louis says with a know-it-all voice, "I wish I were in one with you." Harry freezes for a second the idea of that sound _pretty_ interesting his lower area. "That can be arranged," Harry answers causing Louis to do Harry's favorite laugh.

The laugh where he throws his head back and his body shakes and laughs even harder when he snorts. Harry can't help but giggle along, staring at Louis with what one would call awe. "Maybe someday," Louis answers, a grin staying on his face.

Harry ends up telling Louis the conversation he had with Zayn, not leaving out a single detail, after the movie. Louis looked lost for words. All he did was ask Harry if Harry could him in his arms for just a bit. Who was he to deny him?

They stayed like that until their stomachs interrupted. As soon as they started cooking, they got lost in each other. And Harry couldn't remember what it was that had, had him crying only hours ago.

"Haz I'm sorry but that's got to be the lamest joke ever," Louis says but he laughs. They were currently sitting on Louis' bed, just joking around. Harry's room was practically untouched except for when he went to change and such.

"No it wasn't. You've just got an awful sense of humor," Harry pouts, a smile biting it's way onto his skin.

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Shut up and kiss me." So he does. Again. And again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it.


	22. Weddings and Blowjobs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis go to a wedding. There's Blowjobs involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm such a boring person tbh. Anyway here's the update (: Enjoy it. Read responsibly and watch out for other people bc smut. Thank you for reading, lots of love (and dick) xxx
> 
> P.s. Possible daddy kink in this. Oops.

Okay; they were okay. _Great_ actually. 49 hours passed and it was night again. Except Harry was sleeping and Louis was not. Louis was staring in silent awe at the beauty laying besides him.

There are moments in life where you don't think you could love something more but here in the loveliest of nights, Louis found himself falling deeper into Harry's love.

Life is made for you to love, to fight for it, to live every second you can with passion for your love and happiness. And in this moment, Louis knew, without a trace of doubt, he would fight with every surge of power in his body for Harry because Harry was worth it.  
He didn't know how this was all going to work out, how he and Harry would survive when Harry would go back home or to college or if the would last that long or what they even were.

He didn't know if he wants forever with him but he does know he wants now with him and only him. Harry was the type of love that was fire. A brilliant fire full of passion. And where there is fire, there will always be remains and sparks.

Louis gently glides his fingers over Harry's cheek, warmth blazing underneath. Louis must look like a creep but he can't help the small smile that spreads on his face. Because he found it. In life you're meant to find something that makes you happy, no matter the price, and he _finally_ fucking found it. It happens to be Harry.

Why do we fall in love with things we know are forbidden to us? 

He leans forward and presses a brisk kiss to his cheek, closing his eyes briefly, feeling a sudden shot of adoration swell through him. Feelings a tight grasp on his heart because he wants to be able to do this every night, every day and it's going to kill him the day he won't be able to. Because Harry is going to leave, because he is young and Louis doesn't know if he'll come back. 

Harry tightened his arm around Louis' waist and pulled him closer, their hearts beating feverishly against each others. The idea of Harry melting away and replaced with the reality that he was there and it wasn't time for him to leave yet.

"What're'ya doin?" Harry mumbled, his voice deep with so much sleep. "Just thinking about how much I like you," Louis shamelessly replied. Harry smiled, opening his eyes to stare into Louis', "I like you too. A whole lot. " Louis smiled back, feeling as if in the night with only Harry, there was no judgement. That there was no reason why this could ever be thought of as wrong. It wasn't, Louis wasn't here to use his body nor was Harry. So why would anyone ever think it was bad?

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah."

"What time is it?" Harry asked, breaking the slip of silence, legs intertwining with Louis'. "Time for you to brush your teeth," Louis giggled. He felt so young. Harry must bring that out of him. 

Harry groaned, "Shut up. Seriously though, I need to know, don't you work later today?" Louis couldn't wipe off the goofy smile even if he tried, "It's around midnight, way past your bed time darling. And nope, the only client I had today, cancelled because they have a wedding to attend- their own." Louis felt giddy when he thought about it because he had helped her moved along and Harry knew that. "You're telling me Priscilla is getting married tomorrow?"

"Yup. I'm invited, I was going to tell you but we've been busy. So I'm asking you now, do you want to go with me to the wedding?" Louis couldn't help but think if they would have their own wedding, if they were destined to stay forever together.  
"Course, wouldn't miss it for whatever. But how did you convince her? I thought she was backing out because of..you know..her dad's death." Louis pretended not to notice the way Harry tensed up when he said the word dad because he know was not the time to talk about it.

"You know I shouldn't have even told you, I could go to jail," Louis paused.  
"You already have a reason to go jail and it already has to do with me," Harry answered, causing Louis to pinch his tiny butt. Harry arched a bit into Louis' chest. "Stop it." Louis warned, "Anyway where was I before you rudely interrupted? Oh right! She called me when she was having a sort of melt down at her father's grave and we just talked. She told me she felt like it would be too soon, like her father could somehow be angry that she was letting go so soon." Louis stopped, looking at Harry, who was looking at him. He was blown away with how interested Harry looked, how much it looked like he wanted to listen.

"And I told her, it would always be unfair because he could never be there. But that didn't mean he would somehow be angry at her, where ever he is now, they both have the right to be upset at how fate played them. It would never be the right time, however it didn't mean she would be letting go of her dad- he would always be there. This just meant she was writing a new chapter to her life. Her dad will always be in the story that is her life because while his over he remains, hidden in between the lines. It just clicked for her, she realized she wants to marry Jack. So she's going to. Even if her dad can't be there." Louis' heart cracked when he saw the vulnerable pain and nostalgia in Harry's eyes.

He wanted to ask, but he just held on tighter.  
"You're one hell of a therapist baby," Harry choked out, melting Louis with just that one word. Louis kissed him because it seemed like an appropriate thing to do and because he wanted to. "And you're one hell of a listener," he responded, kissing Harry again.

Harry made the kiss dirtier, bringing his hand down to grope Louis' ass. Louis arched into the touched, Harry's hand sending tingles through his body. Louis took hold of Harry's curls, long forgetting about his breath as Harry broke the kiss to kiss down Louis' warm neck. He found that spot that had whimpers falling from Louis' lips. Louis didn't even care that Harry was leaving marks, he liked it. He liked the idea of Harry leaving his mark on his territory.

Harry was hard and he wasn't hiding it. He brought his lips back to Louis' and slowly grinded against Louis' hips, their hearts pounding underneath their skin.  
Their movements weren't rushed, they had all the time in the world, but there was fire behind it. A fire of need.

Harry gasped against Louis' lips. "I need you," he whispered with desperation soaking off the words. "I. I need-" Louis nodded, "What do you need baby? Tell me what you need." Louis paused to throw off his shirt, Harry following the lead before their lips were back at it. "Answer me baby, I asked you a question." Louis ground his hips even harder against Harry's, eyes rolling back. "I need it- I need you daddy." The word daddy echoed in the room, Louis moaned lowly. "Daddy can take of you, let daddy take care of you."

Louis felt pre-come leak from his cock. It was so hard it hurt. This time it was Louis who was leaving kisses down Harry's neck. He was almost blinded with need, his stomach muscles tensing and untensing at the idea of his cock so far up Harry's cute ass. He moaned again, taking Harry's pert nipple into his mouth. Harry whined, back arching. And it was the most beautiful sound Louis has ever heard. Louis used to right hand to pinch and squeeze Harry's other nipple.

"Daddy please," Harry whimpered, sounding more desperate than before.  
Of course Louis knew they couldn't go all the way yet, he recognized this even though his mind was in a hazard of lust but it didn't mean they couldn't have fun.  
Harry was growing more impatient by the second as Louis went teasingly slow as he kissed down Harry's happy trail, their blanket long gone on the floor. And Harry's tight boxers were the next thing to go.  
Harry's cock was flushed red and staring right Louis, Louis' mouth watered.

"You're so beautiful," He whispered, Harry turning light shade of pink and they both pretended it was because of what they were doing.  
Louis gently wrapped a hand around him, Harry groaning lowly. "I'm gonna make you feel so good."  
Louis begin giving his head little kitten licks that had Harry unsubtly moving his hips trying to chase Louis lips. With pre-come smeared on his lips, he took Harry by surprise when he took him in his wet mouth. Louis took as much as he could, flattening his tongue and hollowing out his cheeks as much began to bob his head slowly. It was a pleasurable form of torture. Louis brought one his hand down to palm himself, moving his head faster.

Harry moaned a chant of daddydaddydaddy that had Louis moaning with cock full in his mouth. "I'm close I-i'm gonna-," Harry cried.  
Louis hummed against him, the idea of Harry being close making him closer off the edge of euphoria he was on. Harry whined when Louis pulled away and kept moving his wrist, Harry heavy and big in Louis' hand. Louis kissed Harry, ignoring the raw feeling in his jaw.

He brought himself back down and took Harry into his mouth once more. His head was heavy on his tongue when he came with a loud cry of Louis' name falling from his lips. Louis came shortly after, watching Harry fall apart. There was something beautiful about watching him fall apart, about him whine the word daddy as he felt the aftershocks and something even more beautiful as he whispered Louis' name as he tried to regain his breath. 

Louis didn't swallow, wanting Harry to taste himself. "Taste how good you are baby," he said without actually saying it, but the look in his eyes was very clear to Harry. He and Harry kissed, his come dripping from both their mouths.

It was the one of the hottest things Louis' has ever experienced in the 27 years he's been alive. And it didn't stop there. Harry slipped his hand into Louis' come filled boxers. Louis moaned loudly when Harry brought his fingers into his mouth and sucked. "You taste so much better daddy," he pouted making Louis blush.  
\-------

They didn't fall asleep for another twenty minutes. Partly because Harry wouldn't stop talking and because the night was just too peaceful to let go of. Louis could listen to Harry talk forever, could watch him forever. The way Harry got so into what he was saying was just gorgeous. Even if he was saying something stupid.

"Is it possible to have an ass fetish?" Harry asked and Louis shrugged. "Every time I look at your ass, I feel like I have an ass fetish." Louis giggled, pretending not to be flattered by that. "Maybe I have a Louis Tomlinson fetish," he finally said. "Maybe I have a Harry Styles fetish," Louis responded and Harry kissed him.

"I hope you do."

\------

"Do you think elephants can communicate with aliens?" Harry asked with a sleepy voice. It was as if his body was trying to sleep but his mind was reeling and grasping onto everything to stay awake. "Maybe they do baby." Louis said. "I like it when you call me baby, "Harry bashfully admitted.

"And I like calling you baby," Louis retorted, pulling Harry closer.

\-----

Harry opened his mouth to say something but it came out in incoherent mumbles. "Go to sleep my little star," Louis whispered kissing Harry on the temple. "Little star?" Harry asked, his curiosity not hidden.

"You remind me of the stars I would look at when I was younger and feeling like the world was collapsing."

"Then in that case, you're my moon."

\-------

They didn't wake until 12 in the afternoon. Which made Louis freak out because they wedding was at 2. They still had time but he was so nervous and he didn't know why. It's not like it was his wedding.

"You look handsome, stop fussing," Harry rolled his eyes as they drove to the church. "It's just this is important yanno? This is actual proof that I've improved someone's life and- it's stupid but I-I don't want to miss the moment. I want to be there because I feel like I have the right to be," Louis felt his cheeks burn as he kept his eyes forward, knowing Harry was looking at him with his heart melting eyes.

Harry took him by surprise by grabbing his hand and bringing to his lips to give it a kiss. "It's not stupid, you deserve to be there, you're the reason it's happening."

Another reason he's so nervous, a reason he won't be telling Harry, is because this is their first time in public since they started whatever they are. He keeps worrying that someone might figure it out if he stares at Harry too long or if he accidentally kisses him. But then again they could lie and say Harry's eighteen however what good would that be?

\----

Have you ever felt like the world beneath you collapsed and left you suspended in the air? Like you were on the highest of mountains and suddenly you were falling and that feeling never stopped until you woke up, always the same no matter how many times you had that dream. Louis was feeling that.

His heart was dying in chest and the nerves were like ants, crawling in dispair trying to find they're way out of Louis' skin. He stared, eyes wide, as the girl threw her had back laughing, beautiful as the day he had met her. Smiling like an angel; hiding the devil she was underneath.

He remembers the days he spent just looking at her with such a love in his eyes and her looking back the same dazed look. He wonders when it changed. He can't help himself, feeling that small bump in his heart at seeing her because _he missed her_. Because she had been a part of his life, no matter how she left.

Looking at her far away, she was happy and he understood why it was over. Because she was happy _now_.

There's a moment where you realize there'll always be some sort of feelings for the person you loved before. Louis knows that he won't return to her, doesn't want to, but he'd be lying if he said there wasn't a part of him that was glad to see her; glad to see Eleanor.

It was almost like closure, knowing that in the end the suffering wouldn't lead to more suffering. They were okay. And yes she cheated, he still hasn't forgotten but there's a difference with forgetting and forgiving.

There's nothing wrong with Louis, nothing with Eleanor, that's not why she cheated. It just wasn't there. They just happened to fall out of love. And what he was feeling was the side effect of her living in his memory, she was a part of his life he can't erase.

She's a part of who he is today and he's a part of who she is.

So when she finally saw him, stared at him with the same gaping look, he understood why he smiled. Because there will always be that feeling for your former lover and Louis is glad it isn't resentment.

Eleanor smiled back with a rueful smile and sad eyes. Like she missed him too. "Hey ba- Haz, I'll be right back, you go mingle, "Louis whispered, forgetting for a second they were at the wedding reception. But never forgetting that Harry was by his side.

"Is that-?" His voice slightly high with surprise and worry. "It is. S' fine. This was bound to happen," Louis finished, walking towards her. His feet were moving on their own accord, his heart burning in a way that hurt but didn't at the same time. It hurt because they knew; this was it. This would be the last time.

"Hey." Louis gently said, standing in front of her, just staring because what was he supposed to say. Eleanor looked at him, soaking in his presence. "I missed you." She replied, her voice breaking in a vulnerable way. "I missed you too," Louis replied, his voice too breaking.

"I-I. Sorry. I'm sorry for-"Eleanor said, as if she had been holding it in. "It's okay, we just. Faded? I don't know what really happened but I'm happy now and so are you." Louis paused, studying the way her eyes filled with glossy tears. "I'm still sorry," she timidly whispered.

"I wanted to stay with you because I wanted you to stay in my life. You were familiar. You were you, my Louis, my best friend. And I loved you. I still do." She continued, a tear slipping away.

"But there's a difference between loving someone and being in love." Louis finished, his own eyes filling with unshed tears. The bandage for his wound.

"This is it isn't it? Where we walk away in a melodramatic manner to the people we love now?" Eleanor asked, her voice tight with emotion. "No this is where _I_ walk away," Louis paused, his words firm but kind. He gently rose his arms for a hug which she didn't hesitate to walk into, the kind of hug that had a bittersweet agony burning in him.

"Thank you Lou. Thank you for forgiving me and for the things you gave me in life and for being in my life," tears falling.

"Goodbye El. I loved you."

She nods pulling away pressing a kiss to his cheek. "And I loved you."

Louis walked away, tears falling without a stop until he found him. "Are you okay? Did she hurt you?-" Harry burst with questions, wrapping him into a hug. "N-no. It's okay now. It's really okay," Louis whispered.

"And why's that?"

"Because I have you and that's all I need." Louis whispered, falling deeper into Harry's arms.

\-----

Eleanor stared at the from a point where they wouldn't see her. She's surprised Louis didn't ask her why she was here, perhaps it wasn't important in the end that she was here because her boyfriend was a friend of the bride. Thinking about it, it didn't matter.

She stared at Louis who stared at Harry and smiled softly because she knew that stare. When her and Louis had dated many of their friends told them she had this dazed look in her eyes every time she saw him, Louis with a matching look every time his eyes landed on her. She never really believed them, never really understood until now.

Now that she saw him stare at someone else and that person stared right back. They look at each other like the world had melted away, as if they only remained. And it was beautiful; almost too beautiful to look at. It didn't fill her with jealously,  just a dull pinch in her heart in rememberence of when Louis would look at her like that. But she was where she wanted to be and he was too.

He was happy with Harry. She knew Harry wasn't eighteen yet, that this was probably illegal. Whatever the case, no one would have the heart to break them up. Not when they looked so in love.

"Is that him, love?" A voice came from behind before two arms wrapped around her waist, this time the world melting away for her, she kept her eyes on them. She stared at them because she didn't know when she'd ever see him again. She nodded, the slow beat of the song playing into a background.

She stared at them because they were beautiful to look at. She felt as if she were watching two soulmates fall in love with each other, she felt so honored to have the privilege.

"Goodbye Louis," she whispered, a warmth in her heart as she watched them lean in for a kiss. She closed her eyes and fell into the peaceful embrace of her lover. He was okay and that's all she wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, hope you enjoyed it. Leave a comment if you want (: Have a nice day and don't forget to watch gay porn ( I recommend Jake Bass bc his ass is heaven.) Thanks for reading, lots of love babes. X


	23. Words.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why Louis is a therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took someone's lovely advice and finally decided to explain a bit of Louis' past. Thanks for reading, means a lot. Lots of love X

Words are just words, meaningless, until you give them meaning. Until you use them to hurt someone or use them to make someone forget their pain. Regardless, you hold a distinctive power over words. You can manipulate them to your advantage, to show how you are feeling. _Words are meaningless things, until you give them meaning_.

It's two weeks after the wedding when Louis' mind starts to swirl with the memories that remain to be unforgettable and only a little bit regrettable. It's like a movie is playing in his mind, he starts to remember why he became a therapist, starts to remember what it was that brought him here.

And it's simple; _words_. Words that were said to him and words he had said back. He didn't mean them, at least, he didn't afterwards. He only meant them when he was in the moment, when despair and unhappiness had him on his knees.

"You're awfully quiet- what's up?" Harry asks, sitting by Louis on the couch. Louis shakes his head, giving him a wry smile that's not even a real smile. "Nothing," he answers and even he can tell it's a lie. Harry rolls his eyes," You taught me that I'm not supposed to shut out people so take your own advice and don't shut me out."

Louis stays silent, the words wanting to slip out but staying heavy on his tongue. How could he let out the memories that seem forever trapped in his mind, like a tattoo forever staining your skin.

Harry lets out an agitated sigh, "Yeah okay," he gets up from the couch, walking to his room. "It's just- I." Louis begins to say, but Harry's already out the room. Louis closes his eyes and sighs.

He doesn't know why this is so hard to talk about. He's a therapist, he should follow his own advice, just like Harry said. But surprisingly talking about his feelings never comes easily, it's difficult. He trusts Harry. However whenever things begin to get too serious something changes inside of him, he feels uncomfortable letting someone in. 

That's how he and Harry are similar, except Harry runs to sex while he hides in his own mind. Silence is his weapon. He recognizes this and he's been working on getting over but it's never easy.

Louis gets up from the couch, knowing talking will make it better. Just talk and get it over with, it'll be easier to think about. He knocks gently on Harry's door, opening it gently when he hears a muffled, "come in." The silence seems eternal and Louis semi regrets his decision but he knows this the right thing to do. How could he expect Harry to open up to him when he won't open up either.  

"You just what?" Harry asks, looking up, looking at him with a firm but kind look in his eyes. "You heard me?" Louis frowns, a bit wounded.

"I did, I just didn't say anything because I wanted you to tell me when you were ready to." Harry responds, patting next to him. Louis takes it as an invitation to sit by him. He climbs into the bed. "I was just remembering. And you know what memories do- they haunt you," Louis whispers gently laying his head on Harry's shoulder. "What were you remembering?" Harry asks, holding Louis' hand and intertwining their fingers.

"I was remembering why I am who I am, why I live here instead of in Doncaster." Harry's heartbeat falters in surprise for a second. "Are you ready to tell me why?" Harry asks softly, his voice soft as silk. "Yes- I am Harry." He says, recognizing the shaky fear in his voice. "Go on, you can do this," Harry whispers, rubbing circles onto his hand with his thumb. ' I'm ready ' He reminds himself.

Louis let his eyes fall shut, it's always easier when you can pretend you're not really there, just dust floating in the air. "First time I told my mum I liked boys like I liked girls- she slapped me and told me she hadn't raised a queer. Second time I told her I liked boys, I told her I had fallen in love- she slapped me and took me to church, crying and begging to know why had I lost my relationship with our "beloved" Christ. She burned into my skull the reminder that "fags" don't go to heaven because God doesn't love them. Third time I told her I liked boys, I told her I had made love with one- she slapped me more than once- with my sisters watching. She sent them upstairs, saying I wasn't going to be allowed to see them until I was cured.That night I was tired of being a queer. Of being the wrong one, " Louis pauses for a second, remembering the stings of her palms.

"I remember yelling that I hated her, that she was the devil. I remember her saying that I wasn't her son anymore. I remember the yelling, the words from falling from my mouth without permission. I screamed that wasn't even a mother. She was too horrible, too despicable, too intensely cruel. The 'I hate you' I had screamed, has a perpetual meaning. A promise of forever.

"Every time I think of those moments I hate her but when I think of the moments she treated me like her prince, I'm drunk with unfair sorrow and regret. The night I called her, telling her about Eleanor was the first night we had talked in years. She hadn't even congratulated me when I graduated from uni. However, when we spoke she was acting oblivious to what had happened before. As if she had never said those words to me, as if six years hadn't passed by. As if I was still nineteen. I remember the way I trembled when hearing her finally saying she loved me again. Because I had missed her, no matter what had happened she was still my mom. That year, was the first year I had spent my birthday with my family in a very long time." The tears form without Louis' permission.

"I became a therapist so I could help kids who are in the position I was in- hurt by the people who are supposed to love you most you. It's an ugly feeling looking into the eyes of someone you love and realizing they don't really love you. I want to help with people's pain, to help with what they can't control. Because that night I couldn't control my words. I lost it. And I had lost her." Louis admits, Harry remains quiet. He was grateful for it, for the silence, for letting it out.

" I wanted to hurt her," Louis quietly admits, thorns of pain stabbing into his heart at the confession. "I didn't of course, but I can't pretend that I didn't want to. There's things in the world that can't be unseen, can't remain unheard. Things you can't pretend didn't happen. I can't pretend I didn't see hatred in her eyes. The second the words fell from my lips, her disgust, her hatred became too real. It sunk down into my bones, poison flowing in my veins, a vice grip on my throat, all the air in my lungs fading away. All because I couldn't help who I fell in love with."

A silence so sweet drowns the room, "I want to help people understand these feelings. I had no one to talk to, I don't want people to suffer in loneliness the way I had." Louis finishes, something light crawling inside of his chest.

The freedom of words leaving your brain. The pain of having to relive it. But the happiness of not having to hold the burden alone.

Harry stays quiet for a second, his own memories creeping from the shadows. "Believe it or not I understand what you felt in that moment," Harry says, his voice raspy and dull. Louis has a feeling this has to do with his dad. "I think every one does. Every one has a moment like this at one point, every family is flawed," Louis says, not wanting to push Harry into talking if he's not ready for it.

"What was it like, leaving?" Harry asked after a moment of draining but much needed silence. "I think you know, it was kind of similar to how you left your home. Except I left for good," Louis responds feeling as if they were getting somewhere but still feeling the slight pinch at missing his old home.

"Do you still love her?" Harry asks, still not looking at Louis. "Sometimes I don't, but then I do and I think that's okay. She's a lovely woman, she raised me but it doesn't mean I have to agree with everything she says. Children and parents are so different, we view the world differently. What we forget is that parents have the right to break, the right to not understand, they are human after all. And what parents forget is that kids have the right to be themselves, that the mistakes we make will shape who we are. They forget we have the right to live." Louis shrugs. "So yes, to answer your question- I do love her but I can't exactly forgive her."

"I wish my mum could understand." Harry admits, knowing she doesn't quite get what Harry is going through.  
"She will, or could if you just talked to her about it. You can't keep pretending it doesn't exist. You have a condition, once you except it it gets easier I promise. She wants to understand Harry, she honest to god really wants to. She wants to stay in your life and have you close. It doesn't matter if you're talking about aliens or your condition, she will listen because she wants to. That's how your mum and my mum are different, mine never even considered listening to what I had to say. She didn't want to understand but Anne- she wants to understand. " Louis says, squeezing Harry's hand.

"Nothing," Harry whispers quietly, after a sea of silence had drowned the room.  
"What?" Louis asks, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I like to have sex because I feel nothing. I think nothing. It's- its like I'm not here anymore, somewhere else where pleasure is the only thing I know. It makes it easier to bury my problems," Harry responds making Louis nod.

"When do you usually turn to sex?" Louis asks, finally glad to be on this topic. "When things are too serious, when I start to hurt," Harry explains, sighing.  
"It's like when a person self-harms to escape the pain inside their souls, except you run to pleasure," Louis says out loud, mostly to himself.

"Have you ever had sex with someone you just because you wanted to?" Louis asks, wrinkling his nose at the idea of Harry sleeping with someone else. "Yes because I get uncomfortable when I don't, I feel wrong even." Harry closes his eyes for a second.

"How am I supposed to get over this? Never have sex again?" Harry asks bitterly, laughing coldly. This is often a question asked by sex addicts. Is there really a way to overcome this addiction? The answer is yes. "You get over this by talking about your feelings instead of just hiding them away. Of course you get to have sex but the whole point is to be in the moment and not off somewhere else. You need to stop suffocating your emotions. You get over this by letting your feelings out." Louis finishes firmly.

Harry remains quiet and Louis knows he shouldn't push anymore but he can't help the questions in his head. "Do you ever look in the mirror and not recognize yourself?" Harry asks, his voice hollow in a strange way. 

He continues even though Louis hasn't answered," I do. I look at myself sometimes and I wonder if its really me. I used to want to wait until marriage. But marriage is utter bullshit. I look at myself and I want to cry. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. All I've cared about is who I'm gonna shag next. "

Louis wants to say something but Harry won't give him the chance. "This whole thing is bizarre. It's as if there's no real way out of this addiction." Harry closes his eyes. "I know that feeling of not being loved, you know?" Harry says, pausing for a second. 

"I used to feel it all the time." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Did I disappoint or were you were happy with Lou's past? X


	24. Gone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm horrible for not updating, I know. I just had a really bad case of writer block, but a wise author once told me the only way to get over it was to keep writing until it disappeared. Sadly I can't remember her name because I met her when I was 8 but I do remember her telling my class that. Anyhow. I'm here now, with a new update. By the way, this will be a bit confusing but it will be explained further more on the next chapter. The song you should listen while reading it would be Once In A Lifetime by 1D. Thank you very reading, enjoy. Lots of love x

"I have one month and a half left here,"Harry randomly states the next day during dinner, as if Louis didn't already know. As if Louis hasn't been dreading the day he's supposed to leave. "I know," Louis dryly responds, putting down his fork.

He doesn't really want to think about it, much less talk about it. He doesn't want to think about his feelings or Harry's feelings. Or what they will be when Harry leaves. He doesn't want to think about what he means to Harry. Frankly its' all intimidating and he doesn't want to think about how he's going to feel when Harry says he doesn't love him. He doesn't want to face the reality that all he probably was just another name to the long list of people Harry gave the time of day.

The question, _"What are we?"_ always weighs on Louis' shoulders, the question always just a blink away from falling from his lips. 

"I won't be here for your birthday will I?" Harry asks, diverting Louis' attention back onto him. Harry looked him in the eyes, "Uh no, you're leaving on November 18th? I think that's the date your mum decided. It's all up to when your mum decides." Louis waits a second before adding, "Plus you're supposed to spend Christmas with your family." 

"Well what if I want to spend it with you?" Harry asks. And its a dangerous question, he makes it sound so simple. Its dangerous because there's an underlying promise in the question, a promise that Louis would see Harry again. "Then," Louis begins, hesitating," I'll be here waiting for you." Harry smiles at him, beautiful like the dawn when the sun is barely peeking out and the sky is this pink purple color. He doesn't say anything after that, satisfied with Louis' answer and gets up to take his plate back to the kitchen. He leaves Louis sitting at the table with a restless hope burning inside of him. 

\---

Hours later, Louis is off to work and Harry is left alone in the house. So what does he do? He calls Anne, instead of Liam.

She picks up after the second ring. "Harry?" She sounds a bit surprised. "Hi mum,"Harry smiles although she can't see it. "Is everything alright?" Anne asks. "Yeah," Harry chuckles, "Can't I just call you randomly?" "Well yeah. Yeah. Course, you can call me whenever. But you usually call when you need advice or something." Harry knows she's right. And something is bothering him. But he's not quite ready to face it. So instead he leaves it for later.

"I got a tattoo," Harry blurts, not really caring for the consequences, after all she was bound to find out sooner or later. Anne sucks in a surprised breath. "Did you now? Of what?" Harry was slightly shocked she wasn't screaming into the phone like he was half expecting.

"On my wrist, it says I can't change." Harry answers, looking down at it. Anne stays silent for a second, "I'm sorry." Harry blinks in confusion. " For what?" Harry furrows his eyebrows, waiting for her answer. "For asking you to change. I-i shouldn't have. I accept every piece of you and I guess I should have told you that then but. I wanted- want what's best for you- you're my baby Harry. And I just want you to be okay-" She stutters and Harry cuts her off, feeling an overwhelming want to cry. "Mum," Harry quietly whispers.

"Sometimes we have to change parts of ourselves. At first I was just doing this for you I guess, because I didn't think you'd want me as a son if I didn't but then I realized I'm doing this for myself you know? I want to be able to be in a proper relationship and be able to talk about my feelings." Harry says, and he realizes that's exactly what he's doing now.

"Harry." Anne says sternly in a voice that reminded Harry of the times she'd give him lectures. It all felt so awfully familiar to the time she told him he would be leaving.

"I will always want you. You're my son no matter what you do or what you get on your skin. Or who love. Or whatever. I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months for nothing. I didn't change every dirty diaper for nothing. You are my son and I will be there for you even in the times you don't want me to be because that is what mothers who love their sons do." She finishes making Harry feel so fond of this lady he calls mum.

Harry wants to tell her more about Louis and how Louis makes him feel. And how scared Louis makes him feel. Not because he's afraid of him or anything. Instead he's afraid of how attached he's grown to Louis. "Mum-" Harry begins, too many feelings swirling inside of him. The pounding in his chest and the lightheadedness in his mind.

"What's wrong Harry?" Anne asks, sounding a bit frantic. Harry breathes in and out. He closes his eyes before finally saying it. "I want to tell him about dad."

\------------

Louis knows many people think falling in love can't happen in less than three months. It's just not possible, or so they think. But Louis, he knew he had fallen in love with Harry as he watched Harry sleep after they made love. He had fallen in love with a boy who was out of reach, who wasn't really his.

You can't fall in love with someone in two months and three weeks, they say. But Louis did. He fell in love with the look on Harry's face when he woke. He fell in love with him even after he left. They say you can't love someone after barely meeting them. Yet they didn't feel what Louis was feeling.

He fell in love with a boy. Someone who was so young, who had so much to learn. So how could he expect him to stay?

Harry left Louis five weeks later, after a series of events. He left Louis the night after they finally made love, or well to Harry, the night they finally had sex. Harry left like Louis knew he would.

Harry left, he left when the night was too cold to not wear a sweater, when nothing was on tv. He left when their mugs of hot chocolate were still warm on the table. He left because that's what humans do.

They leave you after you've given all that you can. They leave your heart destroyed, they leave you to sob the sobs that shake your body like an earthquake. He left and there was tears and screaming, it was all bloody heartbreak but of course there were no tears from Harry.

They say wounds heal. And they do. They turn into faded scars, some more permanent than others. But scars are constant reminders of what caused them. Two days after he left he went and got a tattoo in honor of Harry. That was his scar.

Harry was better than he was when he first came to Louis but Louis never did get to know what happened to Harry's dad. And now he'd probably never get to know.

Maybe Louis should explain how Louis got to sleeping alone and spending his days alone, how he got to the cold days without Harry. Harry left well before the 18th, somewhere around the 2nd.

That was the worst day of it all but the days before was beautiful. It was the calm before a storm, it was the goodbye before the departure. It's been a full month and a couple of weeks since he left. It was already December 19th.

Louis thinks his favorite thing of Harry was the way he broke his heart. He destroyed it in such a beautiful way. Louis can't make a cup of tea without remembering the way Harry would wander into the kitchen into the morning. He can't watch movies without remembering the sound of Harry's heart beat he would hear when they would cuddle. Harry's scent is gone, he is gone. But the ghost of him remains.

Louis sits on his couch, curled up, staring blankly at the tv. His heart beat increases when he hears a knock. Maybe it's Harry. Maybe Harry came early to celebrate his birthday with him. But it wasn't Harry. And Louis subconsciously knew that. Instead, it was Zayn.

"Hello," Zayn said. It's funny how many conversations we start with the word hello, how many moments we create. Louis doesn't know why he's here. Louis silently opens the door to allow him in. Zayn goes straight to sit on the couch, right next to where Louis had been sitting. Louis doesn't ask why he's here, just glad he is.

He goes to sit by Zayn, leaning his head on his shoulder. "He's gone," Zayn says, and Louis nods because really what is there to say. "I haven't stopped missing him." Louis finally says, it felt like he hadn't known Harry really. Like Harry waltzed into his life only to disappear much too quick.

Zayn sighed and the tears ran. Louis hid his face into Zayn's shoulder. He was crying like a teenager but he had a right too. No one could tell him how to feel.

"Don't cry Lou," Zayn murmured but the tears ran, they were the words he could never say, the kisses he'd miss, the goodbye he wishes he could re-do. He was glad he got to feel it though. He was glad he got to love Harry in the moments before he left.

"I can still taste his lips on my lips," Louis breaths, the tears falling silently, unstoppable- almost like a bloody nose. Zayn breathed in, "I'm sorry." And Louis knew he would say that. Everyone says that. It's the first thing we can think of to say but saying sorry did nothing, it changed nothing.

Instead of acknowledging his apology, Louis smiled weakly, " _Once in a lifetime, he was mine."_

\-----

**October 13th *19 days before Harry left***

"Hey Haz!" Louis called out, wandering out of the shower. "What?" Harry called back from the kitchen. Louis walked over to him, rolling his eyes when he saw Harry eating a banana. When wasn't he eating one?

"How are you feeling today?" He asked, smiling at him. "Same as always, I'm happy Lou," he answered but there was something holding him back. Little did Louis know he just wanted to tell him about his father.

\-----

 **October 15th**.

"But mum," Louis sobbed. "I _love_ him," he whimpered. He had finally told her about Harry and about El. Harry was at school so he didn't have to worry about him hearing.

"I'm sure you do," she sneered. "But who do you love more? Your mother or your sins?" Louis didn't answer, his answer hanging in the crushing silence. He didn't say a word, just cried when she scoffed and hung up.

When Harry returned that day from school, Louis told him what had happened, leaving out the part where he declared his love for him. Just told him he would be spending Christmas alone once again. In which Harry kissed him and told him he wouldn't allow it.

\-----

**October 17th.**

"Hey Harry?" Louis asked breathlessly as they laid in bed after some fooling around. "Don't you believe in love?"

"Course I do, doesn't mean its for me." Harry answered, looking down at Louis. "Why do you find marriage so wrong?" And thoughtlessly Harry responded, "A piece of paper never stopped my dad from messing around."

And well, it was something. It added to the mystery but made things less foggy at the same time.

"Where is he?" Louis insists, he was tired of waiting. Tired of not knowing. "You ask me as if I should know the answer," Harry sharply replies, "But then again maybe I should. Too bad I don't. " And that was the end of that.

\-----

**October 20th.**

"Louis?" Harry cried. "What's wrong- what happened?" Louis asked, holding him close. Who cries in the middle of the night? People who can't face their feelings in the day.

"I can't stop dreaming about him."

"About who?" Louis frowned. "My dad."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smile. And don't hate me.


	25. Reality.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it all went down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My last update of 2014, enjoy. And I apologize for the long wait, things have been messy with finals and notsure where to continue with this story. But this is my story and I will end it. Lots of love x

And no. He and Harry hadn't gotten the ending he wanted, he had gotten what he had been expecting. That was the reality of it. He had been expecting the worst and so the worst came but he hadn't been prepared for it by any means. It came and he blinded by the blow it, feeling scattered and battered, unable to be whole again. And the thing was, Louis was to blame. He had fallen into the trap that had laid hidden in the green meadows of Harry's eyes. And he shouldn't have. He should have known, when you go in search for your happiness the universe has its ways to destroy it.

It was two days before his birthday and the truth he couldn't run away from anymore was; he wasn't living a movie, Harry wouldn't show up at his doorstep with ridiculous flowers to replace his bad memories with new, good ones. No. He wasn't living a movie where you fall in love and somehow it always works out. He was in the real world and in the real world he didn't have Harry, just his lonely mistakes. He screwed up and he had to face it, the aftermath of it all, of the many kisses,and touches and mistakes. He fell into his feelings much too quickly, he ignored Harry's for his own. And he regrets it. He regrets not helping as he should have. But there was nothing to dowith his regret but live through it.

Over were his days of despair when he missed Harry's presence because frankly he shouldn't. He lived his life before without Harry and he could live the rest without him too. It doesn't mean there aren't moments where that sinking feeling of loneliness and sadness drowns him and all he can taste is sweet nostalgia on his lips. He misses Harry but that comes with the whole having someone in your life package. His tears are dry but the pain is everlasting. Harry had existed, he's gone now but he had been real and he had done something to Louis that couldn't be undone.

And the ache inside Louis to write it all down was just too much. So there he sat, staring at his computer, willing the words to come out. Until they did.

**The Night Before He Left:**

_It was normal, same routine, same light flirting, kisses here and there. But at the same time in my heart I knew something was changing. Yet the only difference I noticed had been how forward he been acting. When he kept kissing me, I wanted to say no but there under him, pressed onto my bed, with harsh breaths in the air I forgot to think. I forgot to realize. So when i told him maybe we should stop and think rationally, we both knew they were just words and the force behind them had been long gone. One of my many mistakes. Yet he did ask, told me that it could wait. There had been something pleading in his voice, or maybe I imagined it but I caved. I caved and we made love. Or as he chooses to believe, we had sex._

_It had been.. unforgettable. At least to me. Maybe he hadn't loved me but in those hours I refused to believed he had been feeling nothing. I mean who wouldn't to believe he hadn't. we were lost in ourselves and if he hadn't loved me there was no way he had felt nothing. Or perhaps it's just too much to think that he hadn't._

_I remember the way it felt to be so full of him, the way he whimpered my name when he finally moved. I had wanted to say I loved him but the words got lost in my every gasp of blind pleasure. I'll always remember the way he pressed against me and I'll never forget the way he moaned, tortured yet relieved when he finally came. We laid there afterwords and I was trying to think of something to say. And he was just talking about how it was great and how worn out he was and that cuddling didn't sound so bad-- some bullshit I couldn't remember because I had been to busy being tired of carrying the words. I wanted them out, I wanted him to know. Still, I didn't say them, afraid. I let them got lost in my mind because in the end, I had a feeling those words would be the end, and I wasn't ready for him to go. He had pulled me closer, his head resting over my heart, unaware that he owned it. And i just couldn't, because who would want to ruin something such as beautiful. So I fell asleep with Harry on my chest and a worry in my heart._

_ **The Day He Left;** _

_It was in the morning when I had told him. The sun was shying out and his curls were in frenzy. His calm breaths were a melody and I admired him for a while, lightly caressing his skin. I was wondering how I even got tangled up in all this when he woke. He said good morning and his voice sounded so raspy, so relaxed and then I blurted it. "I love you." and the room was haunted by a sickly silence. And in that silence laid the blistering answer, pounding down onto my heart like a sledgehammer. My heart crumpled like a paper and I listened to our breaths, his stiff body next to mine. But I had been glad I had said it, freedom from the torture of silence._

_I remember the way he stayed silent, as if his mouth was filled with cement and I got up, taking the blanket with me. I shuffled to the bathroom and I had just stared at my reflection. I remember hating myself for my mistake but our whole relationship, if it could even be called that, had been built on an empire of mistakes._

_I dropped the blanket, the memory of last night scorching my skin, no tears coming and jumped in the shower. I sat there till the water ran cold and the house, silent, vibrated with its own form of coldness. And maybe I had known he would leave but it made it no easier when I stepped out and there he stood, pulling out bags from his room. I stared at him, silent as he flinched when he noticed me. He had opened his mouth,unsure of what to say, if there had been anything to say. "Liam's giving me a ride home," was all he had said and I remained silent because in the end it had been my words that caused this. I just walked past him, towards my room. I sat on the undid bed and breathed in the scent of what was leftover of last night and I realized my nightmares had come true._

_Liam had come a couple hours later and I had this ache in me to cry but I could hear him getting ready to leave and I didn't want my tears to be his last memory of me. So I walked out to the living room and I faced, my worst nightmare and I stood, this time it was me who was unsure of what to say. "i-" he began to say but I hadn't known the end of the sentence because we had both known I didn't want to hear it unless it came with the ending of "love you." We stood there in a forest of torturous silence. And then came the knock, louder than my heartbeat, draining me. "I'm sorry Harry," we didn't know why I was sorry but it had seemed to be the only words to grasp on. He looked down at my feet and nodded._

_I watched as my chance to say something, anything, slipped out the door, sunshine blooming through. He looked like an angel as he began to step out the door. I hadn't noticed I called his name until he faced me, staring at me expectantly. He had looked so gorgeous and for a second I was weakly angry at him. Why had he left? But the answer was obvious. I was overwhelming and he deserved to breathe. "Good luck," I finally said and it wasn't close to what I wish I had said. I shut my eyes as the door shut. I wanted to run out and get him back, tell him over and over again I loved him. In the end I finally broke down crying when I realized that wasn't what he wanted._

**Present;**

Louis stared at the words and he bit down the urge to cry. He needed to get past this, focus on being a better therapist and staying the hell away from Harry. Unfortunately, his plan was flawed when he got an unexpected text later in that night

'Two days. -H' and if he didn't answer to anyone for the next two days who was to blame him? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays babes! And have a great new year x  
> ps. Im super duper sorry for how short it is. But i promise after the new you will get the long and fast updates you deserve. btw if you could please please follow me on twitter- @layladayne and instragram- kaylaydurazo I would adore you for eternity !


	26. Seeing You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAppy birthday to Zayn! Love him sosososo fucking much. And this is shorter than I had intended but I was super excited to update. So thank you for reading. Much love xx

Harry knows he didn't leave in the best way- possibly the worst. And he knows this. But he had a reason to go. When he heard the impossible words leave Louis's lips that dainty morning, something changed in him. Something became more real, and the terror stilled his bones. Not the fear that Louis loved him and he wasn't ready for his love, it was the horrifying reality that he could very much be in love with Louis- he could feel the thorns of butterfly wings in his stomach, could feel his heart race at his memory but with the claim of love came the realization that Harry did not know how to love Louis.

He didn't know how to appreciate the way Louis stared back at him with the look in his eyes that had Harry growing chills on his arms. He didn't know how to love. But he knew how to leave- so he did.

He left to go learn, to prepare himself to say the words he had lost belief in. Learning to let his feelings free, with the help of a new therapist (who said nothing about the Louis situation to Anne), he let himself take baby steps. Learning to understand the concept of love was like learning to ride a bike. Intimidating and sometimes he fell but once he got it, it was a second nature. Something he didn't have to question as much anymore.

It's absurd how quickly you can change, in a matter of a month, almost two- he became a better person. He had less to fear and he wanted Louis to see that. He wanted to tell Louis all of his feelings; from the bad to the good. He wanted the boy with the prettiest blue eyes to see with those eyes that Harry had fallen for him.

Love has no time limit. You find your soul mate in a day, maybe you bump into them in a bathroom or maybe you meet them next to some stairs and maybe you don't see its them but love- it has a funny way of interfering with your life.

\---

Harry arrived in the middle of the day. He could feel the stiff cold pinch at his cheeks as he walked up to the front door. As his knuckles grazed the hard wood, he was brought back to the first day he walked up to here. Feeling the same nervous butterflies in his stomach as he's feeling now. But, of course, for very distinctive reasons. Silence echoed for a few seconds and his shoulders sagged with a jittery fear and disappointment.

"Harry?" He heard a voice holler, disbelief in his voice and even though it wasn't the voice he wanted, it was one he had missed. Harry hoisted his bag more securely on his shoulder before heading over there. "Hey," he quietly said, a sheepish smile on his lips.

"'Hey?'" Zayn flatly repeats before slapping him on the back of his head. "You left and the first thing you tell me is 'hey'? Harry- you left. And you didn't say goodbye- granted we weren't talking but- you didn't give him the goodbye he deserved either." Zayn sighs, shaking his head in mild disappointment and only the smallest traces of justified anger could be heard.

"That's because it wasn't goodbye." And Zayn pulls him into a hug.

\----

Louis, being his unsuspecting self, thought nothing when Zayn texted him, inviting for dinner later, during a ten minute break before another patient's appointment. Why would he? It was his birthday and he would have no one else to spend it with. His bones ached with a nostalgic pain when Harry's face flashed in his mind. He quickly typed Zayn a response, agreeing to spend another year of being alive with him. He had no more time to dwell on missing Harry when his next patient came in.

Louis listened quietly as she explained the situation. Her fiance had cheated, nothing major- just kissed an ex-girlfriend.

Problem was- a kiss could be something major. It's how Louis and Harry started.

He reached out and squeezed her hand with sympathy as tears began to gather in her large eyes. "How did you find out?" Louis asked, careful to keep his voice gentle. He knew he was treading on light ground, especially since he had known the betrayal of being cheated on.

"I- he told me. He told me and our wedding is a week away and- and what am I supposed to do?" She said, her voice thick with the kind of pain that rang in every word. She stared at him desperately with pleading eyes.

"I can't tell you what's right or wrong sweetheart," he told her and it was true. His job wasn't to tell her, just help her. "What do you think you need to do?" He asked. "I mean- I just don't know. He said he thought it would mean something but in the end he said it didn't. Th-that when he kissed her all he could see was me. And- I love him." She says, a guilty sob crawling out of her chest. Louis stayed quiet as she continued. "I love him but- every time I see him- I like- keep thinking I'm not enough because he went in search for something more." There's the faintest sound of shame in her voice.

Louis breathes in quietly. "Love, you are more than enough. And don't feel ashamed for loving him despite his mistakes. He's in the wrong- not you. It's difficult to love someone, especially in a situation like this, however love is an uncontrollable emotion. " He pauses for a second, only for her to speak again.

"Why is love so painful?"

\----

Harry and Zayn sat talking in his room, Harry's skin flushed at the memories of the things they used to do. "I. I'm sorry, you know? For like what happened between us. " Harry stutters, looking at the walls instead of Zayn. Zayn chuckles lightly. "It's okay mate, I mean it hurt a little because I actually fancied you a bit but- you and Lou, man. What we had was just a fling in comparison to you two. So like it's okay Haz, I'd rather see you and Louis happy- together. Despite like the age gap and all that, things happen in the strangest of ways." Harry looks at him then, giving him a shy smile.

"Was it really obvious?" He asks, laying on his back on the bed. "I mean - I know Louis so. He looked at you the way he would look at Eleanor except- different. It seemed more- like there was more feelings?" Zayn answers, shrugging loosely. Harry stares back down at his hands, biting his lip. "It's weird you know? I feel like me and him are doing this opposite." He admits, quiet and looking for the right words. "What do ya mean?" Zayn asks him, staring at him with a raised eyebrow.

"It's just- I feel like it should have been him fighting me off more than me fighting what we are- or what he wanted to be. The world is going to be against us and it just feels like- he let me in so easy. Which, don't me wrong, I think is wonderful because I realize how much I want him but I feel like the bad guy. I feel like I did him wrong and I always thought he would be the one to hurt me you know? Not because he seems like a guy who would break your heart or anything," Harry pauses and lets out a sigh.

"It's like, each of our lives are our own movies. And we're the main character. We always assume that we're the protagonist who are gonna end up hurt by someone close. We forget- I forgot- we could be the antagonist of someone else's story. I guess in a way I forgot I was a character in his story and that I could be the one who breaks his heart."

\-----

The rest of the day passed fairly quickly and Louis got a nervous flutter in his stomach but he ignored it because well. Ignorance is bliss.

He smiled kindly to his assistant and thanked her for the birthday wish before closing up the office and heading out their separate ways. He sent Zayn a quick text, telling him he was on his way home and was gonna freshen up a bit before heading over. He got to his house and he ignored the room that used to be Harry's for the short time he had been here. He ignored the slight haunted memory of his presence and went to brush his teeth. He ignored the memories of showers together. He ignored it all as he left his house because it was his birthday and Harry was gone.

He walked up to Zayn's door, ready to pretend that he hadn't missed the boy with curls at all.

\----

Zayn and Harry looked at each other when they heard the gentle tap on the door. Harry breathed in shakily and Zayn gave him a sympathetic smile. "Don't worry," he tells him but Harry knows he hurt Louis. How could he not worry? Harry went to stand in the kitchen as Zayn went to answer the door. He stood there, holding in a breath, with his hands behind his back, feeling so out of place. He stared in fear, awaiting their entrance. He felt his heart skip when he heard Louis's light voice greet Zayn.

He began to count the seconds as he heard their footsteps approach him. He felt himself lose track of the numbers as Louis stood only a few feet away. He admired his smile as his head was still turned to Zayn. He drank in his appearance. He seemed so much smaller, so much more fragile and precious than he had remembered. His memories had done no justice to how beautiful he was in person.

He stared as Louis finally stared back at him and chills rang throughout his body. Starting from his head, all the way down to his toes. He watched the emotions flicker through his eyes and he began to panic. What if Louis no longer wanted him back in his life like he had wanted him before.

What if he hadn't meant it when he said he loved him?

\----

Louis stared with wild eyes at Harry. He stayed frozen by Zayn's side. What was he doing here? He breathed in deeply, his eyes rapidly going over Harry. His ignores the slight ache in his heart, betraying him and admitting how much he had missed him. Zayn stays quiet, watching as they have a stare down and quietly backs away to give them some space. Louis talks a gentle step towards him, not really watching where he was stepping and nearly slipping over his own feet.

"Oops," he cries out as Harry reaches forward and steadies him, butterflies erupting. " Hi." He says quietly, still holding Louis and staring into his eyes. Louis swallows and stares back, breathing in Harry's smell and trying not to focus on the fact that Harry was still touching him. He pulls back. His feelings swirling inside of him.

"Hello." He responds, feeling as if Harry's presence will swallow him up. "what are you doing here?" He says, sounding more firm than he had intended to.

"I promised you I would be here." Harry says with so much sincerity and Louis wants to kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never forget Zayn is an amazing god who deserves the world. (:


	27. the right thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis has to do the right thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so so so so so sorry I never updated. I just I got lost in where I wanted this to go. But here it is. I have a question, should I continue the story even after they get together?

There was nothing to say yet there was everything. There was a mountain of chaotic words. But Louis couldn't think of a single thing, not with Harry so close. There was nothing to say; Harry shouldn't have came back. He should have stayed away.

Louis knew that now. Sometimes you've got to let go.

This isn't right. It's selfish. It's unfair to the both of them. Louis needs to let him go. "Zayn- will you give us a moment?" He tries to keep his voice from quivering. This is it- he thinks- this is the goodbye we deserved. Zayn shoots him a sympathetic smile," Looks like you guys need it."

And even though he's a little angry at Zayn for blindsiding him like this, he's also grateful. He needs this. He needs to put this away, it isn't right. Harry's basically a kid. This isn't right, he keeps telling himself.

Harry stands a few feet away from him, with his hands behind his back. He looks at him nervously with those eyes that burns Louis's soul. "I want to apologize-" He starts off and Harry's looking at him so confused, and it's just too painful. He wants to say he never loved him, maybe it would be easier. But- no. He wants him to know. He needs him to know, it's too much to have Louis keep it to himself.

"I have been acting so immature since the moment I met you. I-I shouldn't have let it get this far. I mixed business and pleasure. I'm sorry Harry, so sorry. And I'm sorry-" But Harry's interrupting him and he wants to cry. "Why are you sorry? I'm the one who left-" And Louis doesn't want to hear it. He's selfish.

"You did the right thing," And its a truth that stings leaving his mouth. "You shouldn't have come back." He can feel how wounded Harry is. It makes his heart feel heavy. He wants to hug the boy. His feet stay frozen on the ground.

You can't force love on someone.

"But I thought you loved me." Harry's voice is shy and Louis smiles sadly at him. "That's why I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I love you," He knows there's a tear rolling down his cheek and he can taste it on the corner of his lip. He closes his eyes because there's too much. Too much pain, too much want. He's a battlefield.

Stay. Go.

"I don't-" Harry starts and he freezes. "Why do you want me to go?" His voice is soft like he doesn't know what's wrong.

"Because we can't give each other what we want. I want love. And this- god. It felt like it could have been but I can't look at you without wanting you to love me. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to you either. And I know I'm being selfish but my heart's so tired. You're barely turning eighteen- I" he laughs and it's as empty as he feels.

"I was so unprofessional, falling in love with you kid. You've got a whole world to fall in love with- I was so crazy thinking you would want me. You're gonna-" And he has to take a deep breath because the look on Harry's face is telling him he's finally getting it.

"You're going to find this amazing guy who will love every inch of you, from the darkest to the lightest. You'll find him when you're ready. And I promise you- it will be better than anything you felt before. But it's not going to be me. Even if I wanted it to be." He looks away, he bites his lip and tries to keep his breath steady.

You can't stare at someone you love without caving.

" But what if I want it to be you?" He finally asks and Louis lets out a sob. "You're a kid Harry! You- how do you know that's what you really want?" He cries out.

"Because when I look at you- it's like I want to drop everything and hold you in my arms. I want to fall asleep to your heartbeat. I want you to help me discover the world-" he finishes and it's like there's something he wants to say. But can't.

" Say it." Louis demands and his voice is brittle. "Say those three words, say them and we can be together. Say them and the world will never separate us." He's holding his breath and Harry looks so hesitant. Harry stays silent.

"You're not ready," Louis whispers in a broken voice. "And as much as I want you I can't do this to you. Fall in love with the world, fall in love with yourself," he tells him and he walks over to him. "And when if you're ready and if you still want me- come back." His voice is gentle just like their morning kisses used to be.

Harry looking down and he grows a sad smile, a haunted one like he knows Louis's right. He opens his mouth and closes it with a rueful grimace.

"If this is supposed to happen," Louis tells him, "It will. But sometimes you need time and baby," he chokes on the word for a second. "It's okay. It's okay to wait, it's okay to need to grow. I will be here waiting but I need a favor." Harry looks at him and his tears bring out more of Louis's.

"Anything."

"I need you-" Louis steps forward, and cautiously takes a hold of his hand. He starts over, "When your heart, if your heart, tells you you don't want me anymore," he says and it's like a million knives are stabbing into him. " I need you to tell me. I need you to let me go."

Harry looks stunned. "My heart will never stop wanting you." And he kisses him. And there is tears and agony and all the seconds they ever spent apart.

Louis knows he should pull away but the universe is hurting him so much already. And he wants this so much. So screw the world. "Happy birthday." Zayn says behind them and it sounds like he's crying too.

\------------

It's different this time. It's different the second time Harry leaves. This time he doesn't want to.

They lay outside in the yard and watch the stars. "Do you think that the past, present and future can go on at the same time, like that in those stars lay our past and future and everything is happening simultaneously?" Harry asks, breaking the brisk silence.

Louis turns his head to meet his eye. "I dunno, why?" He answers, turning to look back at the sky.

"I just- this is going to sound cheesy," he starts and there's a warm blushing spreading on his cheeks. "I just want to imagine that somewhere out there, somewhere in those tiny stars we're together. We're together and happy." 

Louis can't bite down the soft smile on his face as he intertwines their fingers. "Someday we will be. Someday we'll find our way to the stars." Louis whispers back. 

"Promise?" 

"I promise. " 

"Oh and Lou?" 

"Yes?" 

"Happy birthday." 

Maybe Louis kisses him and maybe Harry kisses back. 

\--------

They fall asleep on the grass, bundled up together. Harry wakes up first and smiles at the sight of Louis in his arms. 

"I can't explain what I feel for you," he whispers. "But I can tell you- I never want to stop feeling it." He presses a small kiss on the top of Louis' hair.

He wakes him up and they watch the sun rise together. "Someday we'll be doing this when we're wrinkly," Harry tells Louis. 

Louis laughs, "I love you." 

Harry stares back at him. "I need a favor too." Louis raises his eyebrow. 

"I tell you I love you and you ask for a favor?" he teases. "okay, as longer as it doesn't involve running anywhere naked-" 

"Never stop loving me." And Louis' laughter is whisked away. 

"I don't think I could even if I tried." 

 ------

Harry's flight is at two. They eat breakfast together. Most of it is just them staring at each. "It's going to be different isn't it?" Harry asks and Louis's confused. "It's going to be different loving each other in the real world than it was last night in your backyard." Louis shakes his head," It doesn't have to be. And it's not a bad thing if it is."

"What about the people who won't approve?" 

"What about them?" Louis answers. "It's you and me- we're what matter. Those people, they probably don't know what love is. What we feel is what matters. Not them, or their opinion. They can't feel what we feel." 

"I'm scared," Harry admits. "I'm scared that this- you and me- won't be forever, just what I feel for you will stay." 

"Well Harry," Louis reaches over and takes his hand. "I'm scared too. But even if we what are doesn't last until we die, there will never be a day I regret it." 

\-------

They hug goodbye at the airport and as Louis goes to leave, Harry pulls him back. "Don't forget about me," He tells him and kisses him, right there in a sea of people. "Never," Louis giggles and kisses him once more.

Harry's flight is called and he reluctantly walks away, blowing Louis a kiss. "I'll be back!" He yells, ignoring any dirty looks his way. "I'll be here waiting!" He yells back, his face flourishing with a smile.

"Kids these days, with their young love." He hears a lady mutter next to him. He looks at her and expects a dirty look or some unpleasant grimace on her dark skin. He finds a nostalgic smile. "Reminds me of me and my wife back when we met in '55." She tells him, giving a little pat on his arm.

"It's worth it kid," her voice is sweet as if she's lost her in own memories. "Loves always worth it." She starts to walk away," Wait!" He yells. "Where's your wife now?" He asks, unable to hide his curiosity.

"She's in the heavens, like the angel she was." She smiles sadly at him. "Got the pleasure of loving her until the day she died." 

 


	28. Drunk and in love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry goes out to a club. But alcohol is never the best influence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiiiii, i'm working on the next chapter, i'm trying to work my writer's block. I just wanna remind you all im extremely grateful for every read and comment and kudos. honestly. thanks for sticking around i know how much it sucks (sucks ass) when writers take forever. soso sorry. love you all

Missing someone is a vivid ache in your chest and sometimes all you can do is breathe. Missing someone is staring up at the ceiling when your side of the world is already asleep and wondering if they are doing the same thing. Missing someone leaves you with an ache you can't stop, it leaves you nostalgic and craving for them to be laying by your side as if they had always been there.

Harry knows, he knows, him and Louis will work out but every day that has passed, he find himself longing for him even more. They talk on the phone for hours and Harry thinks he doesn’t need to fall in love with the world when he’s already found all he’s ever wanted.

There’s still a part of him that’s on unsteady ground about all this. He has no doubts about Louis, none at all. He just worries that he might not even deserve Louis in the first place.

Louis with his smile that could melt more hearts than the sun ever could. Louis with his eyes clearer than any ocean on the Earth. Louis with his sass accompanied with his hands placed on his cocked out hip. Louis who’s so tiny, Harry could just eat him up. Louis with his gentle hands holding Harry’s nervous little heart. He just hopes he has a firm grip on it.

\-----

“Come on H, you haven’t come out with us in sooo long,” Liam whines and Harry wants to shove a sock in his mouth. “Maybe because I actually care about class now,” Harry retaliates, raising an eyebrow before looking back at his phone, smiling as he responds to Louis’ text.

Louuu (: alright what’s the joke ?

BonerBoy x: Why couldn’t dracula’s wife get to sleep??

Louuu (: um because she’s dead ?

BonerBoy x: Because of his coffin :P

Louuu (: im in love with a total dork

BonerBoy x: A cute dork (;

Louuu (: the cutest ((;

“Harry!,” Niall impatiently moans, snatching Harry’s attention. “It’s Friday come on, we can tell your mum you’re staying at mine’s. Greg said he could get us into a club and it’s not as fun without you-..” Harry stopped listening, weighing down his options. He bit down on his lip anxiously.

Liam grabbed the pillow he was laying on top of and threw it in Harry’s direction. “Pleaseeee. We miss you and this could be epic. You have to come-“

“You owe us mate, you’ve been MIA for so long,” Niall intervenes and although Harry wants to stay home and text Louis all night, he knows Niall’s right. “Fine. Okay. But no drugs- that shit is too intense for me.”

“Of course,” Niall beams,” What kind of boys do you take us for?" And soon Harry’s attacked into a group hug, smothered underneath his best friends and he can’t imagine being without them.

\---------

Louuu (: you’re going out ?

BonerBoy x: Not by choice ):

Louuu (: So don’t go

BonerBoy x: Can’t, owe it to my friends.

Louuu (: Be safe x

BonerBoy x: I’ll text you when I get home x

\-------

In the car ride to Greg’s, even Harry starts to feel excited. It’s all Niall’s fault, his excitement is loud and contagious. “Fuck can’t you drive any faster?” Niall complains and Harry slaps on the back of the head. “We’d like to actually make it to the club with all our body parts so no.”

“Body parts are overrated,” Niall grumbles in response before laying his head on Harry’s shoulder. They’re in the back with Liam as the driver, they figured Greg should sit shotgun to be able to give directions. When Greg gets into the car, he smiles at them. “Ready to get hammered little brother?”

\----

By the time they get to the club, excitement and energy is roaring in all of them. Harry doesn't pay much attention to Greg greeting the bodyguard, can only see them hug briefly in the corner of his eye. His eyes are distracted, darting all over the place. This wouldn't be the first club he's gotten into but it's definitely intriguing. 

It's not that the sign is big or that there are mountains of people waiting to get in. It's the people leaving that grab his attention. The couples stumbling by, that will probably never see each other ever again after tomorrow morning. It's the way they look happy, with the drunken smiles, hazy eyes and wild hair. It's something like, magical. You can't find any misery in their eyes, drunk people always seem a bit sad. 

Harry's dragged by the arm, dissolving his observant thoughts. The music is deafening, he can feel his bones shake and the smile on Liam's face results in a grin of his own. "I'll find you later," Niall yells before slipping into the crowd and Harry rolls his eyes.   
"So much for bro time eh?" He jokes to Liam. "You've still got me," Liam responds sending him a wink and grabs his hand. "C'mon lets get a drink."

They swim through the crowd of people and make it to the bar. "It's been so long," Harry murmurs in Liam's ear before Liam orders them some random drinks. Harry never cares enough to pay attention. "Let's make sure you don't forget it then." Liam shoots him another wink. 

\--------

Louis's sitting on Zayn's couch playing Fifa. "I'm just worried that he'-"   
"Worried or jealous?" Zayn grunts, only looking over for a second. "Both," Louis shrugs before cursing. " Fuck you, cheat."   
"I'm not the one in a club," Zayn jokes and Louis nearly hits him with the controller.

"But seriously- what if he hooks up with somebody?" 

Zayn puts pause and sets down the controller. "Look mate, you told him to do this. I know you-"  
"I never told him to sleep with someone else- that's quite the opposite of what I always told him," Louis argues, before wiping down his face with both hands. 

"Louis," Zayn starts again. "You were two different people to him in a way. Therapist and..friend? The therapist part of you did tell him not to sleep around, is concerned about that, except. The other part of you- you didn't flat out tell him not to be with anyone. You actually told him to live. I know it might hurt but you guys aren't official remember? You didn't want that yet. You wanted him to experience what most of us experience when we're young and dumb."

"But he's always 'experienced' that multiple times. That's what lead him to me." 

"I'm just saying- forgive him if it does. I doubt he will- but if he does, forgive him because he loves you. Even though he's not ready to tell you- forgive him for that part of him."   
\-------

He's not quite sure what's happening anymore. The music is louder than any of his thoughts. And he's chugging another shot down his throat. He opens his mouth to speak but Liam's saying something. And then he's gone. 

Harry pouts and sits idly before a ginger comes up to him. His eyes are kind and they remind him of Louis's. Harry shoots him a smile back.  
"Sure you should be here?" The stranger teases," It's past your bed time."   
"Oh shoot, really? my mum's going to kill me." Harry slurs before stumbling as he tries to get up.

The stranger laughs and Harry watches as he hands him a glass of water.   
"Drink, might sober you up enough so you can stand." Harry can feel the warmth of the stranger's hands on his waist and it spreads all through his body. He takes small sips of the water, he wants to remember this ginger jesus. 

"Harry." It sounds disoriented and the ginger laughs. "Afraid my name's Ed mate." "No nono," Harry giggles, "Harry's my name." Ed makes an ah noise. "Nice to meet you Harry," he whispers in his ear, pressing a brisk kiss on his neck.

A dopey grin spreads on his face. "That feels good," he whispers slowly.  
"Yea? Want another?" And Harry really shouldn't nod but he does.

He forgets everything, the therapy and Louis and nods. Blame it on the alcohol.

\------

He's not sure how they get there but him and Ed are in some bathroom stall and Harry can feel the heat in his lower stomach. "God you're so pretty," Ed mumbles as they fidget to lower their pants. Harry hisses when he feels a finger press into his entrance. It melts into a moan.

Ed bites down onto his shoulder before taming the bite with a kiss. Harry hopes Ed will leave marks. Soon, Ed's got three fingers in him and he swears the whole club could probably hear Harry.   
Harry whines quietly when Ed pulls out his fingers but it's replaced with a groan from the both of them when Ed slowly pushes in. "Fuck," Harry whispers brokenly when Ed starts to move his hips slowly. 

He really shouldn't be doing this. 

"Faster," he pants after he adjusts and Ed complies, moans falling from his lips. "God,"  Harry whimpers. "So full," he moans. Ed thrusts harder, gripping Harry's hips tightly. "You feel so good," he moans and he doesn't care how loud they're being.

And wow, Harry's missed this. 

\-----

After giving Ed his number and another kiss, he found his way back to the bar, loving the soreness in his body and craving more of it. He feels like his body has been lit on fire. 

He finds Liam, nursing a drink in the same place they had been originally. Harry slings an arm over his shoulders, "Hiiiiiii," he sings, pressing a messy kiss to his cheek. "Miss me?" 

"Course. Doubt you missed me with that cock that was up your ass." Liam retorts, not a trace of playfulness in his voice. Harry flinches in surprise. 

"Sorry," Liam whispers apologetically, "I'm just jealous." 

Harry leans down and whispers, "I'll make it up to you then." Liam looks at him confused but Harry starts leading him to the exit. 

\-------

"Oh god yes," Liam's voice echoes in the back of the club's building. "Just like that," he tugs on Harry's hair, forcing him to take more of him down his throat. "You look so-" Liam strains to say, "So pretty like this, taking my cock down your lovely throat." 

Harry moans, the vibrations like little shots of pleasure in Liam's body. "Wait-" he stutters, pushing Harry back gently, his cock slipping from his lips. Harry looks up at him curiously, giving his head little kitten licks. "I wanna fuck you," he yelps loudly. 

"Please?" Asking him for permission. Consent is important, he'd never force himself on him. 

Harry nods, standing up and leaning his head down to kiss Liam. They lean on a concrete wall and Liam whispers quietly, " Wanna go somewhere else? " 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me (or my terrible smut ) I know what I'm doing ((:


	29. Demons and regret that tastes like you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry sobers up

There is only one promise in the world that will never fail; there is no turning back time, there is no undoing mistakes you have made. The regrets that follow you to bed and are inked into your skin like an embarrassing tattoo will always be there. You can find peace with them yet they will stay there, stained onto your eyelids so you can never forget them and each time you close your eyes, you see them. Perhaps for a second, maybe more.

But the world promises, your regrets are yours but what many forget, you are theirs. You are theirs to haunt you when all good is escaping your mind. They will give you company when no one else is there, when no one can reassure you that what you did is the past and it is now okay. Your regrets torment you because you know what you did was wrong. No matter how much time passes, what you did is not okay. Make no mistake, it’s essential to ask for forgiveness from yourself and who you have harmed. But choices become regrets for a reason, never forget that.

Your regrets latch onto you and their slip will never lessen, not with anyone’s comfort. That is the promise of the world. You are never alone, you have your thoughts and regrets. Except if you really think about it- that might be worse.

When it comes down to confronting your regrets, how long can you avoid it? How long can you avoid reality and what is to come? Will it hurt any less if you wait a tad longer before opening your eyes? The raw truth is time can heal wounds but sometimes it’s best to put on a Band-Aid before it hardens and you have no time to soften the pain oozing out.

You make the choices, you have to deal with the results. Except sometimes the world makes the choices for you but you don’t have to let the choices make you. You don’t have to let them break you down, you don’t have to become a coward and run from them.

You have to look into the eyes of your regrets and have the courage to accept what you did.  
-

Harry woke with the warm sunlight bearing down on his skin as he let out a tired yawn. His head was pounding and every cell in his body was regretting having woken up in the first place. He looks around, recognizing Liam's room and feels confusion spur in him at the realization the only thing on his body was Liam's sheets. His eyes widen when they land on Liam.

Liam’s back is pressed to the headboard and his arms are hugging his legs, his head resting on his knees. Harry can see the bags under his eyes, he has that look on his face he gets when he’s been crying. His eyes look bloodshot and tired. His lips are curved into a grimace of bitterness.

"Liam?" Harry mumbled, reaching out for him as he shuffles to sit up. "What- uh- what happened last night?" His mouth tastes bitter and he almost winces from the heavy taste. It was probably alcohol.  
Liam turns his head, not lifting from his knees, to look at him and the sight almost breaks his heart.

"You don't remember?" His voice is throaty and heavy. Harry tentatively shakes his head. "Did I do something I would regret?" His stomach is churning and he feels a swift panic swimming in his gut.

Liam purses his lips, like he's searching for the right words. "You made choices that...maybe you wouldn't have made sober. But the truth is, if there wasn't a part of you that wanted to make them you wouldn't have. Except you did. And I think it's important you remember that." Liam's voice has a slight quiver at the end. "Liam for fuck's sake this isn't a movie- I can't handle this. Just," he pleads, he sucking in a deep breath and continues with his faux confidence, "Just tell me."  
Liam sighs and sits up, his head resting against the headboard as his eyes find their way up to the ceiling. “Only if you’re sure,” Liam whispers.

Liam tells him about the ginger and the blowjobs. Harry stares down in shame. How is he going to tell Louis? And then there's only silence coming from Liam, Harry looks up to see him tearing up. That's when he gets to the worst part. 

_Loud giggles were hiccupping out of Harry’s lips as he kept inching his hand higher up Liam's thigh. Liam's eyes kept flickering between Harry's hand the cab driver. And when Harry's teasing hand got too close, he hissed and pushed it away._

_To this, Harry would transform his drunken grin to a pout and Liam would pretend it didn't make his pants a little tighter but Harry would notice. And he enjoyed this reaction._

_“Please wait till we get there H-“he quickly whispers under his breath, pulling away Harry’s hand and holding it in his own. Harry’s eyes are blazing with giddiness. “Just can’t keep my hands off you- so hot,” he slurs, not the least embarrassed that the driver might be able to hear what he saying._ _But Liam blushes, just like he does every time Harry compliments him._

_They arrive to Liam’s house and Liam is not surprised, if anything relieved, when he sees all the lights were off in his house. They stumble inside and Liam has to bite down a smile as he steadies a very drunk Harry. “C’mon- you know the drill we gotta be quiet or my parents will hear."_

_Once they make it to Liam’s room, Harry wastes no time harshly pressing his lips onto Liam’s. Liam presses  Harry gently on his bed, not breaking their kiss as he hovers off him. Harry’s hands work to shift Liam’s shirt up his back and quickly slips it off him. His lips find their way down his jaw and make themselves comfortable on his neck._

_A quiet moan comes from Liam in response. He begins to slowly grind against Harry before it all falls apart._  
_“I love you Lou-“ Harry groans and all the blood freezes in Liam’s body. He jumps away and Harry sits up in confusion. “What?” He questions, pouting slightly as if he has no idea that he just called Liam the wrong name. Harry's stares at him, confused and impatient._

_Liam's tongue feels heavy and dry inside his mouth, he can't find any words to explain what just happened. He opens his mouth but he can only focus on the pain filling his heart. "Um," he stutters, searching for an excuse._

_"Bathroom- I." He nearly trips, scrambling to get in and close the door. He locks it and leans on it. He wants to cry. He goes to his sink, the noise of the water covers his gentle cries. Or at least he hopes so. This has never happened before._  

 _He splashes water over his face. Harry rarely tells people he loves them, only if they're really special. Liam has always felt special when Harry says it to him. He's always liked it just a bit more than Niall. He was hoping maybe Harry had felt the same_ _._

_He exits the bathroom, inhaling and exhaling a deep breath only to find Harry laying asleep on his bed. He walks over to him gingerly, feeling as if in any second the ground might collapse. He wonders if maybe that would be best, if maybe he would disappear and so would this pain._

_He carefully sits next to him, he moves his hand to gently caress his cheek. He smiles remembering details of their friendship. Harry has always been such an important person in his life. He's never minded Harry sleeping with other people. No because they didn't make him blush like Liam used to._

_He traces over Harry's eyebrows and the tears fall one by one, dripping down his chin onto his chest. He remembers their first kiss, how they were in Harry's room and Niall couldn't make it to the sleepover. He remembers how they were chatting about the boys at school and how they had already been kissed. He'll never forget the shy smile Harry gave him when he suggested they kiss. Or how Harry's eyes shined with excitement, or the butterflies in his stomach from just looking at Harry._

_He wanted it to be special and Harry said he would never find anyone more special to him than Liam._

_His cheeks burn in the memory, he can't help the sad smile on his face. He runs his fingers over Harry's lips. They were closer than ever after that night. He'll always remember it, in some ways it was more special than losing their virginity to each other._

_It was so pure, it was so sweet and naive. It was love. Love as best friends, love they have for each other._

_"You're so beautiful love," he whispers, half hoping Harry can hear. "I've always loved you just a bit too much." Liam leans down and presses a kiss on his forehead, his voice cracking, "I guess you finally found someone more special. "_

_( Harry woke up two hours later and threw up on himself, resulting in the loss of his clothes. )_

-

Liam finishes with a frown, wiping away his tears. "So that's that." Liam shrugs, meeting Harry's eyes. Everything is hitting to fast and he can't find the words to say and the only thing he can think about is Louis' tattoo: It is what it is. And that he actually said those three words. 

He breathes in shakily. The sight of Liam crying is overwhelming. He is never going to drink again. 

"It was-," Harry starts to say and his own heart is breaking. "It was always you." Liam’s eyes are filling up again.” Keyword: was.” Liam retorts and they can both hear the heartbreak in his voice. Harry wraps the blanket around his waist and moves a little closer. He can’t stop the tears stinging his eyes. “I always wanted you in the way I’d never had anyone,” he knows his cheeks are blushing. He can feel how warm they are. “I wanted you to be my first boyfriend,” it feels like a sigh of relief saying those words aloud even if maybe Liam had always known.

“I meant what I said when we kissed that night Li. I will never find someone as special as you,” and he thinks of Louis and how he’s everywhere and in everything he sees. And how although his heart wants to beat out of his chest every time he sees him, he and Liam are different situations. Two different kinds of love.

“You were the first in a way, you got here first and I guess it seemed like you would be the only one.”

Liam sniffles and smiles, “Always felt like that for me too. It felt like no matter whatever happened someway we’d find our way back to each other. Together till the end.” Harry’s lower lip quivers for a second. “We’ll always be best friends, we’ll make it to the end together. It’ll just be a bit different,” he whispers.

“Yeah, you’ll marry someone else and I’ll have to pretend one part of me won’t be jealous for the rest of my life,” Liam sounds bitter. Harry grabs his hands, “But you’ll always be the first. No one can take that, this. You have parts of me no one else will ever have.”

That’s the thing about first loves. It feels like it will last forever and they do because you never really forget. You never really get over it. You just accept that the first might not be the last.

“But he has you,” Liam’s voice fades and he lets out a weak sob. “You got me too,” Harry replies, “Li you got a place in my heart that nobody can touch.” He rubs circles on his hand with his thumb. “I love him, that’s true,” the words feel foreign on his tongue but he feels his heart race as he says it. “But you’ll always be the one I loved first.”

Liam shakes his head,” It- It’s unfair.” Harry stares at him with apologetic eyes because yea it is. They don’t get the ending they thought they would. “We get a different kind of happy ending. And different isn’t bad,” Harry reassures him. 

“I wish I would have told you sooner,” Liam cries, stubborn as ever. And some part of him wishes that too and another part of him doesn’t because of a certain (tiny) someone with blue eyes. “Why didn’t you?” Harry asks in a whisper. “Why did you wait until now?”

“Because- it didn’t-“Liam stutters, trying to explain. He gives up for a second. “It didn’t feel right- like maybe it was the wrong time or maybe-“he doesn’t finish. Harry frowns and is going to speak when Liam says. “Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.”  Harry’s eyes fall shut for a second before he opens them. “We weren’t were we? Like- I wanted you so much but it didn’t happen.”

Harry stays quiet because he’s not quite sure what to say in response. He thinks about all the movies he’s watched, about the people who fall in love but it doesn’t work out. They just aren’t meant to be and he never realized, he and Liam were one of those people.

“Maybe not. But it doesn’t change what we had and what we felt. You gave a million amazing memories. You’re my best friend, maybe we’re all in love with our best friends- just a little. “Liam gives him a small smile.

“Maybe we should kiss one last time-“

“Can I kiss you?” They say simultaneously. Harry laughs loudly, “Just so we can finally end this.” He says and Liam nods in agreement. “The last one, forever.”

Harry shuffles in closer and for some reason it feels just like the first time. He can see the pink in Liam’s cheeks and maybe it was because he was crying and maybe it’s because of this kiss. Harry smiles at him and Liam returns it without hesitation. Liam cups his cheek like he did the first time; it almost feels like that night. Maybe because Harry can’t grow any facial hair.

They lean in slowly and Liam is the last one to close his eyes. Their lips touch and they kiss slowly, to make it last so they can remember for the rest of their lives. And when they pull away, Liam rests his forehead against Harry’s. “I love you Liam,” he says, empathizing that he said his name and not Louis. Liam can’t help himself and laughs.

“I love you too H.”

After two seconds Liam speaks again,” Where’s our Oscar?” They laugh and Harry pushes him back a bit. “What? That was better than any movie, you know anyone would be crying if they witnessed it.”

“My mum probably would be, mostly because she’s so fond of you.” Harry smiles.  “Yea that’s true, don’t think she would be fond of the fact that you’re naked in my bed. “Liam snorts.

“Probably not.”

“Hey Harry?”

“Hmm,” Harry hums, resting his head on his Liam’s shoulder and closes his eyes. He’s starting to feel tired again and his hang over isn’t helping. He feels like his head is going to explode. He had been distracted before but now the pain is back. And like he said before; he’s never going to drink again.

“What are you going to tell Louis?” Harry’s body goes stiff and he frowns.

“The truth.”he answers before adding," And that I love him."

"Are you sure you're ready?" Liam asks him. "I'm sure that what I feel is love. And I'm ready for whatever happens after I say it." 

 

 


	30. Buildings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post drunken haze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love x

_“He paints pretty pictures in my heart, the kind you see when you’re in love._   _The world shines with more light than yesterday, spreading warmth like the kind he gives in his arms. He shows me how you are neither good nor bad; you are human- you will always be both.”_

His voice is crisp at the end and his cheeks are burning with red, he feels naked and vulnerable, standing in front of his English class. He isn’t paying much attention at this point, wrapped in a cocoon of worry. Louis. He is everywhere from the taste buds on his tongue to the space in between his toes.

He’s only half there as the teacher sends him back to his seat after praising him for his “good work.” Harry won’t deny it, it feels like he did a good job, managed to be honest without pushing himself. He wonders what Louis would think of the poem, wonders how he would feel knowing he was the inspiration behind the words.

The assignment was originally about happiness. Funny how love can mean just that or it can be a synonym to sadness as well. Funny how you’re the heartbreaker or the heartbroken or sometimes even both. It controls you, the way it can begin to feel as if you have found a home in the clouds and you just can’t remember what it was like to breathe oxygen- or why it was ever important in the first place. And when it comes to its thundering end, the skies are crying and everything is dark- you come crashing back down to Earth and your heart shatters as you hit the ground.    

He sits in his desk, spinning his pencil around his fingers, rethinking the thoughts he can’t stop thinking. He has yet to tell Louis and every time his name comes around, Liam has this look in his eyes. As if it’s going to take time to get adjusted to the reality of their ending. However for the most part, he manages to be very supportive. He often tells him when things make sense the way he and Louis do- it will work. With their sleeves up to their elbows, with sweat decorating their foreheads- if they fight for it, it can’t fail. As if he and Louis can create their own destiny or maybe this was already their destiny. As if every star he has ever seen has been leading him to Louis.

They’ve been talking every day since he left, it’s been a few weeks (a couple days since the incident) and he misses him badly. He looks forward to hearing his voice, knows it’s better than nothing. It’s almost not enough but when he hears his laugh, he can imagine the way his face crumples with delight. And yea- it’s enough.

It all makes his heart thrum in joy, up until he remembers the burden on his shoulders. He considers telling him, right there on the phone but the words never make it out. It feels too cowardly, too cruel. He needs to be there, face to face, needs to face him and spill out the poison. He needs to be there to suck out the venom of the bite.

He finds himself questioning if it’ll make it harder for him and he imagines, that yes, of course it will. He’ll have to watch those beautiful eyes fill with disappointment and hurt, will be able to taste the sourness after Louis receives the news. All because he couldn’t stop himself from being a cheap whore that night. His skin prickles and he wishes he could scrub from his skin all the things he did.

His eyes drift down to his poem, reading the words over and over as if they are burning into his skull. He wants to cry, he has that rock in his throat and the back of his eyes are stinging. He pleads no one will attempt to speak with him, he almost raises his hand to as to go to the bathroom but he’s afraid he’ll burst into tears if he tries to speak.

He doesn’t deserve Louis- he’s dirty, nothing more than a disgusting whore who let everyone use him. How could he ever deserve someone as good? Someone who was willing to look past the burdening flaws. Someone whose hands are too pure to hold his. Especially after all this- how could he ask Louis to love him? His love is impure and sloppy and has kissed the bodies of too many.

How could he expect to deserve such a light in his contaminated darkness?

He, who left to learn to love, betrayed something unspoken. He, who subconsciously knew it would break Louis’s heart, how could he ask for forgiveness?

Oh yes, you can be the heartbreaker and the heartbroken all at once.

\-----

After school finishes, Harry speeds away, he ignores his friends and their calls of his name. He dashes away and walks in one direction he hasn’t wandered down in years. His footsteps beat quietly down the sidewalk, the rest of the world turns into white noise as he makes his way down the sidewalk. He knows the walk so well, he could walk there blindfolded and will have only tripped once.

His feet slow down as he approaches a small bookstore, he considers entering to avoid where he was going in the first place. Considers aborting his plan and finding refugee in that tiny building he’s hardly ever entered. He decides not to, it’s been too long and something is tugging on his heart.

He walks onto the parking lot of the Max’s Bookstore and his feet lead him to the back of the building. He walks down the almost invisible alley to the rusty fence, it was an abandoned music store with a faded velvet color and glass doors, the banners on the windows are so faded and he can’t make out the name. His father had discovered it once when he was a teenager, reckless and trying to escape from the vice grip of his parents- his abusive and manipulative father and helpless mother. It sounds like a cliché, like everyone is experiencing it too. But it’s not just a storyline, _too many people are experiencing it._

His father would bring him here when his mom and his sister were out shopping or just on lazy days when outside was calling their names. It was where they bonded, not exactly where they would confess everything to each other. Yet it was the place his father felt more like his father, like he was seeing the side of your dad you don’t get to see. The teenager under the man he was.

They never went in, just managed to get on the property through a cut in the fence. It was probable that it was rotting inside and no one ever cared enough to fix it. He stares at it, frowning as his hands grip the fence he hasn’t seen since he was fourteen. Despite the pain radiating in his bones at his return, he finds the cut and slips through with a grunt.

He looks around the place, almost the same. Except his father isn’t here with him and he never will be. That’s when the tears make their entrance. They are full of anger and pain and confusion. He wants to yell until his lungs burns. He stares at his reflection through the glass, he almost expects his old, younger self to be staring back. It feels like that day when he was fourteen and he couldn’t understand what his dad was trying to explain to him and his dad was standing there with him for the last time. He remembers it all, the way the pain attacked his heart like a preying shark and how it spit it out because it wasn’t what it was looking for. It repeated that over and over.

It feels like that again. An angry chill passes through his spine, and for a second he wants Louis. He wants something real. And then he starts to wonder if Louis is real and if he really loves him. The only thing he knows for sure; his anger is the only real thing he’s got and he can’t let it go. Not in that moment.  

It’s hitting a raw nerve, it’s excruciating and he finds a rock, no bigger than his fist. He pulls back his arm and gets ready to throw it at a window, as if he’s ready to see deeper inside. As if inside, there lies something he needs. Something that will make it all okay, will make it hurt less. Something that will make the pain tolerable again.

He considers it, considers making the place more of his and tearing down the mystery he and his father created. The mystery of what could be. But that isn’t it at all. It’s a sad story written on the crumbling walls of something once beautiful and full of inspiration and how it came crashing down because there wasn’t enough money, no amount of love could have saved it. That’s the story. That’s why this place was only his father’s, this was his father telling the same story, of how he was an abandoned building too. This place was never Harry’s because that isn’t his story. His father couldn’t have been saved, with no amount of money. No amount of love.

That was the mystery of the building and he’s finally figured it out. Now Harry was standing discovering the secrets of a ghost, he stands in the place where his father became that ghost. And it was time to walk away, you can’t chase after ghosts without becoming one.

He wishes he had a marker or pen so he could write a goodbye but he doesn’t have one. So instead he finds enough pebbles and rocks to spell out a capital H. He sits by it, letting the wind kiss his skin. He leans his head against the window and tries to stare at the world like his father might have.

And the last thing he says before he leaves is, “I miss you.”

\-----

Niall is waiting for him when he gets back, his mom let him in as always. He was a bit startled, craving to sleep these feelings away. Except there was a part of him that was happy, he missed him. Niall had always been a constant variable in his life. He and Liam were his safety net just as he was theirs.

“Sit,” Niall demands in that serious voice he speaks in to let you know he wasn’t fooling around. His voice is concrete, no cracks could be found. Harry takes a seat at the foot of his bed, slipping his shoes off before giving Niall his attention. “Am I your best friend?” He asks simple and quick, suddenly Harry is taken back but he still answers the question. “No doubt you are, forever.”

“Then why do you I know less about you now than before we met?” And when he says this, Harry can hear the gentle twinge of hurt under his words. Harry frowns,” Ni I’m so sorry, there’s no excuse.” Niall smiles softly at him, “We used to tell each other everything, even about the first time we wanked off.” Harry chuckles and Niall speaks again,” You kicked me out the loop. I know you’re hurting but for the first time I have no idea why.”

So Harry tells him. He feels guilty because in some ways it’s easier to tell him than Liam because he knows he won’t be hurting anyone’s feelings. Niall is very much infatuated with his current boyfriend and he’s also a very good listener. He and Liam know about what happened with his father, they were the thread he held onto. He tells him about the music building and then tells him about Louis. He keeps out the thoughts he has of himself.

“Mate ‘m sorry,” is the first thing to come out of his Irish mouth. Harry’s nose crinkles in confusion and surprise. “Why in the world are you apologizing Niall?” Niall sighs and looks at him with guilty eyes, “I dragged you with us, I didn’t even hang out with you.” He explains and Harry shakes his head, “It was bound to happen, I can’t keep my greedy hands to myself.”

“Because you have an addiction!” Niall reminds him and he keeps going, “You. Have. An. Addiction. You’re bound to relapse and make mistakes, you aren’t perfect H, and no one is expecting you to be. You are trying and that’s good enough. That’s the best you can give us right now- don’t take that away from yourself.”

Harry feels a new round of tears gather, glazing over his eyes. “What about Louis?” He sniffles, feeling shame pulse in every part of him. “You tell him every inch of the truth. You tell him you fucked up and you’re not quite where you both need you to be. You tell him they meant nothing, you tell him it’s different with him because you love him. You don’t torture either of yourselves with withholding the truth. And if he loves you, he will forgive you because damn it he isn’t a saint. And in the end it’s not your fault. Not in the way you think.”  

“What if he doesn’t forgive me?”

“He will mate, you have to trust that he will. And if he doesn’t we will be here to hold your hand through the pain like we always are. If he breaks your heart, I and Liam will help hold the pain too. We love you and he does too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More will come about Harry's dad (:


	31. Trouble in paradise.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis' end of the stick, when will he know the truth?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna try to update a lot this week!! Much love to you all!

What is love and how hard would you fight for it? Is love the sunrise and the way it swallows the darkness? Is it a smile and a heartbeat? What is love and how hard would _you_ fight for it?

How can you ever be sure you found it? Do you inhale it, unaware of how it quietly settles in your lungs? Is love like a calm river, beautiful but still strong enough to drown you? How do you find this love? Is it in your favorite coffee shop one morning or a nudge on the shoulder in a busy street? Does the world melt away when you find them or does the sun just shine a little brighter? Does it mean you love each other less when the blush on your cheeks starts to fade?

Louis is just worried one day he'll wake up and forget how to love. It seems silly but what if one day Harry wakes up and decides Louis' hand is just too heavy in his? It's this new fear he's discovered. Or maybe he's felt it all along, it doesn't matter when it started- it matters that he still feels it now. Anyone can fear heights and spiders with their long legs and many eyes. But he's afraid to wake up one day to a loveless life. He loves Harry yet he can't smother this fear inside, what if one day it's not enough? What if one day their love is left on their bed but out of their heart?

He knows what heartbreak tastes like, the way it makes your skin burn and cracks your bones. He knows what love feels like; Harry's laugh muffled into his chest, the way his voice fills Louis' head. He knows how light it feels, leaving him breathless. He knows this feeling and he doesn't want it to be ripped away. But lately Harry's been acting strange, like something is too heavy on his shoulders. And he hates that he can't help. He constantly wants to ask what's wrong, wants to reassure him that whatever it may be, he and Louis can handle it. Yet he doesn't want to overstep, doesn't want to yank the words out of his mouth. He wants to give Harry the time it seems he needs but he's afraid their running out of time. He's afraid when there's a brisk moment of silence between them that almost sounds like a conversation they need to have. He's simply afraid.

\----

"LOU!"

Louis buries his face into his pillow, groaning at Zayn. He feels the bed shift with his weight,"Come on I have something important to say." Louis lets out another whine before turning his body to his side and looking begrudingly at Zayn. "I might have to take back that key I gave you," he mutters, his nose wrinkling at the smell of his breath.

"And you might need to brush you teeth- christ. Besides, you can't take back the offer to let me move in. It's impolite." Zayn says with a snobby tone in his voice like the pretenious prick he is. Louis raises an eyebrow, "It's barely been a week since I told you, you act like you live here already."

"Don't I though? I spend most of my time here anyway," he shrugs before grinning. "Aren't you excited? Rooooooommies," Zayn cheers. Louis grabs a pillow and chucks it at him. "It's never too late for me to change my mind." He counters, to which Zayn pouts to in response. "Dick."

Louis chuckles," So what was the important news I was awaken for?" Zayn stares at him with a sheepish smile on his lips, the one he often does when he does something troublesome. "So, I need you to hear me out. It's not bad I promise- so stop looking at me like that," Zayn says, putting his hand to his chest as if his dignity has been offended. Louis rolls his eyes but nods for him to continue.

"I kinda need you to go on a trip with me." Louis' eyes widen, "What's the catch? There's always-" Zayn shushes him right away," I wasn't finished. Gosh let me explain."

"So uh Josh has this really fit friend right and he introduced me to him. We really hit it off and like he invited to his cousins' beach house in like California.-" To which Louis butts in,"That's a different country."

 "And so he's 20- which before you say anything- nothing over PG will be happening. The only but about it is that it'll kinda last a whole week. It's basically a get away," Zayn stares at him with hope shimmering in his eyes. Louis frowns, "But I don't understand- why do I need to come?"

Zayn takes in a deep breath," I didn't want to go alone and you're the only I trust so I'd feel so much better if you were going. Also his cousin who owns the house is 25. Thought you could keep him company so you know, me and Sam could have some alone time. " He wiggles his eyebrows a bit. Louis stares at him blankly, "Zayn you know I have something going with Harry." His voice is stern as he says it.

Zayn nods his head rapidly," I know I know. He's great- you know I love him but you've said it yourself- something's unsteady about it right now. You don't even know what that "something" is."

"Which is why I should be helping to steady it- not run away from it to go mess with some guy." He argues, slightly offended. "Stop being annoying."

"I'm not saying you should sleep with him! I'm saying it's okay to give yourself space, maybe you both need it. I'm saying I want you to come, take a breath of air. Have fun, relax. You and Harry aren't together-"

"But I love him! It would feel like cheating."

"I know you do! I never even said you had to do anything with him- I said keep him company-"

"Which basically means flirt with him so he doesn't notice you have his cousins tongue down your throat!"

"Why are we even fighting? Everyone flirts, it's not even a big deal! I'm sorry I even asked you to come-"

" You should be. I want to be with Harry-"

" But does he even want to be with you? Where is he because he's sure as hell not here." Zayn roars back. Louis' body freezes, he's struck into place. "Get out."

Zayn gets up," This is bullshit. All I did was ask for you to come on a trip with me, I didn't say you had to fuck the guy." And for some reason, he blurts out," But what does it matter? I bet Harry's fucking some guy right now."

Louis sits up, the words pressing a bruise on the whole inside of his body. "Fuck you, you're delusional if you think that dude's gonna want a kid like you."

"Says the pedophile who's chasing after one."

"What the fuck is your problem? First you're all for me and Harry and now you're being a fucking asshole-"

"Because all he's done so far is make you miserable. I get it- he's fucking fit and he's got issues but-" All of a sudden, the wheels turn in Louis' head, taking a second to think camly, he asks,"Zayn, did you take your medicine today?" Zayn freezes, mouth gaping, like he's been caught and Louis knows the answer to his question.

" You know I hate that shit, makes me numb sometimes." Louis shakes his head, "But you need to." Zayn sighs with agitation," I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't even know why I even said-" Louis opens up his arms. "Because we're both defensive as shit and don't think before we speak."

Zayn sits into the embrace and tightens his arms around him as Louis continues," I overreacted, I was so on edge, afraid that I've lost Harry somehow, that I dunno I flipped out." Zayn shakes his head," And I made it worse, I just see you moping around, trying to figure out the missing piece of the puzzle and he's not giving you any hints, I got annoyed, you're my best friend. And best friends don't say shitty like that," he sighs.

Louis places his head ontop of Zayn's,"Everyone fights, everyone says things they don't mean. But I forgive you, do you forgive me?" Zayn nods quickly," Obviously."

"Good, now will you please drink your pills?" Louis asks quietly," But if you don't want to- don't worry we can do some relaxation work outs like we've practiced."

"Is that even a real question?"

\-------

After the apologies fall into place and Zayn is in a much better state of mind, he heads home because Louis and Harry have a skype date. And maybe Louis switches shirts (twice) and fixes his hair so it doesn't look like a diaster. But it's all for nothing because Harry texts him saying he's too busy to skype. And of course Louis understands, he's got a life, priorities. But he still feels disappointment sink into his belly.

He sighs and texts him an ok and puts on the tv to a show he's not going to even watch. Then he texts Zayn and agrees to the trip. He needs to get out the house. Zayn is quick to text him back with details of the trip and Louis is curious to how Zayn is going to miss so much school. And Zayn only explains he already has all the work needed for the classes. Louis shakes his head but he's not in charge of him. He wonders what excuse he gave his mom but figures there'll be more time to ask him.

He calls his collegue, asking if she can take over some of the appointments, Tammy agrees as long as the patient do too. He's on the phone for around two hours, calling his patients and doesn't notice Harry's calling him on his laptop. It isn't until he hangs up on his last call of the day, Cindy Meyers, that he notices it. He bites his lip, guilt flooding him. He calls back, locking his fingers together for good luck. He grins when Harry's face pops up on the screen. A light feeling spreads through him as he takes it all in. God, he's missed him.

"Hey," he shyly chirps and wow how easily Harry makes him feel like he's in high school again. Harry smiles back at him with a wave. "Sorry I missed your call- busy calling a few of my patients," Louis explains, pondering if he should tell him about the trip. But why wouldn't he- really, he's not planning on doing anything wrong. " 's okay," Harry tells him, running his fingers through his hair the way Louis adores. "Sorry bout before, had to help Liam and Niall with some stuff."

Louis nods," I understand, no worries." And after that, they just stare at each other, normally silence isn't awkward between them. But the air feels stale and Louis doesn't know what to say. Is he just being dramatic- or is something really wrong?

He clears his throat, Harry staring at him with a strange look in his eyes and he decides to break the spell. "How's school so far?" He asks, hoping a conversation will start. Harry just shrugs, "A bit boring- can't wait to get out of there honestly." Louis chuckles, "Any thoughts on what you'll do after?" Harry bites his lip, "Um, not any that seem possible." "Anything's possible Haz," Louis encourages him and maybe this was the wrong thing to talk about because his mind always walks down the same path. What's going to happen to them?

And maybe it's a selfish thought, maybe he should be more worried in helping Harry find the career path he wants to take. He hears Anne's voice call Harry's name in the background and well Harry disappears for a second, he notices Harry's packing some clothes. Apparently, he's not the only one going on a trip.

When Harry pops back in, Louis casually asks, "Going somewhere?" Harry's eyes go wide for a second, before he turns back to look at it. "Nah, just putting that stuff into our attic." Louis deflates, he may have been hoping Harry was coming to visit him. Before he gets in another word Harry timidly says, "Well I better finish putting it away." And Louis understands the hint he's trying to give

."Course, talk to you later?"

"Mhm, bye Lou!"

"Lov-" The line is cut and Louis sighs. He doesn't understand- where did this go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't hate me.


	32. Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets can't stay secrets forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aye I really need to work on updating faster. I guess I just don't want this story to end. It's been so fun to write, I appreciate everyone who has ever read it, who has ever commented and given me kudos. Thank you, I know there are some flaws to this story, I'll probably work on editing it when I'm done with it. Love you.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to Clementsen94, I always look forward to your comments haha.

Are our destinies written beforehand, days made up of calculated choices? Or do they change when the pace of your heartbeat does? Are our lives stories that are already written and are merely being played out? Are we the writers, or perhaps we just think we are?

The biggest mistake we all make in our lives is attempting to hold on to the fleeing feeling of happiness. Loving something doesn't make it last. And letting go doesn't make it any less beautiful. We forget that because it hurts. It hurts when something ends, that will always be unavoidable truth. But sometimes you have to let go before your hands begin to bleed for hanging on too tight for so long.

It's tragic, the way love becomes not enough. The way it cannot mask the bitterness with its sweetness. It's like that with first loves, what was once a fierce fire tames down into a flickering flame. We watch as the magic fades and suddenly you find you're fighting more than you are laughing. You are frowning more than you are smiling. And it is heart breaking, the way you want love to survive. But everything dies. You may love them forever but forever is relative. Forever can be a number of months, of days, of seconds.

The comfort you once found in the palm of your hands intertwined can become stale, can become nothing more than the sweat of your hands. Love's funny that way, the way you could have sworn yesterday you loved them with all your heart and today you forgot to think about them even though you once called them home. No one does it to be cruel. You change, the color you loved for being so bright suddenly begins to hurt your eyes. The food we swore we could not live without is replaced with something else. You change, different from who you were yesterday. But that does not make you a bad person.

You can fall in love just as fast as you can fall out of it.

It wasn't supposed to end like this, it wasn't supposed to end at all. He watched the happy ending slip down the drain, like the tears down his damp cheeks. His skin is burning and he swears his bones are cracking. And the only one who can save him is so long gone, he isn't sure he was ever really there.

It fell apart, bursting at the seams, like it was never whole to begin with. It exploded, the splinters flying in all directions, stabbing them both in the heart. The quiet tick of the unknown bomb, hidden in the solemn silence they shared. And now they're left with the remains in their hearts. And god it hurts. It wasn't supposed to end like this. It happened all at once like dominoes falling into place. Coincidence after coincidence until it was clear, it was all meant to happen. A story doomed from the beginning. How naïve they had been to believe it could work when sometimes it just doesn't. It was futile trying to save something that was clearly untouchable.

Now it's a dust of broken hearts and lonely moments, missing being skin to skin. It wasn't an easy choice but nothing about this has ever been easy for either of them. Who do you tell? Who do you beg for it somehow work? For all the flaws to become flawless and turn the ocean of lies into a small drop. But the only one to listen to the cries of their hearts are their own tears.

How do you live when you've found your soul mate in the wrong world, where you just don't belong? How do you breathe when they were your air? How do you live when they were your heartbeat and now without them your heart's a cold rock in your chest?

\---

It was that fucking trip. It was the alcohol.  It was secrets piled onto secrets. It was all the bad choices they ever made. It was all the right words they should have said and all the wrong ones they said instead. It was the right love at the wrong time. It was the reality that loving each other isn't always a good enough reason to stay together.

\---

_"Don't let me become a pile of forgotten memories in the back of your mind,"_

_"I will never forget you."_

\---

Time. How funny it is, how much it can control. How it can bring out the fragile out of the strong. Time, how you can wish for it back and never get it.

**9 AM**

Louis' flight was in three hours. Three hours and the clock was already ticking. A sturdy knock in a clustered morning. Time was slipping away from Louis and he still had yet to shower, so who the hell was at the door? He trudges over, pants sagging and moody frown on his face. He wasn't expecting this and frankly he wasn't in the mood for any surprises. Until he opened the door and a light filled his chest, he forgot how sweet the air can turn when you're in love. Standing there like a fallen angel was Harry, the sun shining off his smile. Louis sucked in a breath, forgot how beautiful he was.

"H-harry?" He stumbles over his words, "What are you doing here?" Harry's cute pink lips flutter into a grin, shrugging so damn lightly, "Came to see you. Wanted it to be a surprise. " And with Harry so close and so damn adorable and smiling, Louis almost forgot the silence that had been beckoning them before. Almost. Harry raises his eyebrows, "Well? I didn't come all this way to just stand at the door. "

Louis blushes like a teenager, "Right, of course. " He moves aside as Harry comes in laughing. And god how he loves his laugh.

\---

**9:10 AM**

Fuck. He wishes he wasn't about to leave in a couple of hours, guilt spearing through him. He had no idea Harry would be coming today and he didn't know how to tell him he was leaving. He should have told him sooner but how could he when Harry avoided him like a disease?

"Something up babe?" And the tiny shiver that went down Louis' spine hopefully went unnoticed. Louis bites his lip. There's so many things they need to say and it's not just the trip. But he can't find the courage to talk about the fallen tree in their path. "I feel terrible," Louis begins, his eyes wide with dread. He sighs, looking down." I love that you came to surprise me but," He looks back up to Harry's expectant eyes and says, "You caught me at a really bad time, I'm actually about to go the airport for a week vacation to California with Zayn."

Harry's face falls and Louis hates it. Hates the little shadow in his frown, wants to smooth away. Hates that he has to go when Harry's so close (so why does he feel so far away?). Harry's mouth turns down and Louis wishes he hadn't agreed to this dumb vacation, wishes Harry would just tell him what's going on. Louis's so damn tired of tippy-toeing around, like he's stepping on glass. Yet he's so damn afraid, what is so bad that he hasn't told Louis yet?

"Oh," it quietly echoes in another silence they share. JUST TELL ME, Louis wants to beg. He doesn't care if it'll destroy everything, it already feels broken. He can't stand this, the secret in the air that he can't figure out, taunting him like a school bully. Louis tries to smile apologetically but it turns into a grimace, "You came all this way and here I am about to leave." Fuck life for always pulling this shit.

"Is there a reason?" Louis asks, watching Harry with hopeful eyes. He wants to rip the Band-Aid off, tired of waiting, he wants to know. Louis watches the way Harry's chest rises as he sucks in a deep breath. Louis waits, waits for him to pull the trigger. "Yes," Louis feels the nerves creep onto his skin, goosebumps rising on his skin. "What is it?" He asks, urging himself to be brave. Maybe it won't be so bad.

But Harry keeps stalling, "Well I was going to tell you over dinner."

"But there won't be a dinner Harry, I need to go soon. " He hopes it doesn't come off as rude but he can't keep standing around. He feels the impatience tugging at his sleeve. "Please," he whispers. Harry's eyes fall to the wall behind Louis' head. He holds his breath, wondering if Harry will finally say it. "I.."Harry opens his mouth and Louis stares at him with urgent eyes. "Uh..why don't you shower first?" Louis frowns, why won't he just tell him?

Harry leans down and lightly kisses him, cupping his face. "I promise it can wait," he assures him. Louis stares at him with worry but nods anyway. "Feel free to join me," Louis jokes, hoping to steer them away from the silence joining them. It works, a wide smile grows on Harry's face as he giggles. He shakes his head, "As tempting as that sounds, I might make you late. Why don't I make some breakfast while you're in there?"

Louis grins, "How did I get so lucky to have found you?" Harry kisses him to mask the frown that shadows over his face.

"Now go." Harry urges him, pecking his lips once more.

\----

**9:23 A.M**

Harry finishes placing the plates full of eggs on the table. He sits, sighing, how does he find the way to explain? What if he loses Louis after this? His reckless actions silently killed the trust between them, he knows this. He knows how much it's going to hurt Louis, no matter how he says it. It feels like a double edged knife, the further he pulls away the truth from his chest, the deeper it will drive into Louis'.

He's drowning in this so he's startled when Louis pecks his cheek. "Babe?" Louis' voice calls, curiosity laced around each letter. "You okay?" Harry closes his eyes, how many times can he wish for his mistakes to go away? He's considered not telling him but in some ways that feels worse than actually saying it.

He opens his eyes with a smile. "Course, just worried you won't like my cooking." Louis rolls his eyes, "Please, you already know you're good with food, you never let me forget about the time you were a baker," His smile is so playful, Harry hates the dread building up in him. They eat rather quickly, or maybe time just feels like it's speeding up. Harry takes deep breaths between each bite, hoping to keep it down.

He's just so nervous. His mistakes are going to cost him.

\----

**9:31 A.M.**

Louis places the plates in the sink, letting them soak in soapy water. "So," he begins but lips are upon his before he can get out another word. Louis' eyes flutter shut, he kisses back. "Missed you," Harry mutters into his mouth and Louis wraps his hands around Harry's neck. "I've missed you too. So much," He bravely promises. Harry sighs, almost as if he's relieved.

Louis pulls away, his forehead against Harry's. "Wait, weren't you going to tell me something?" Harry shrugs, "It can wait," he assures him, kissing him. Louis chuckles, "Are you sure?" Harry kisses him in response.

And although Louis knows it's probably important, he lets himself be kissed against his sink, ignoring how it presses into his back and focuses on the way Harry's hands make their way to his thighs and pulls them around his waist when Louis jumps. Maybe Harry's words are important but their kisses are more urgent. In this moment, it all feels okay.

Louis feels impossibly light as Harry carries him to his room, dropping him on his bed. He looks up at him as Harry crawls on top. He lies his head down on his pillow and helps Harry pull off his shirt. His hands caress their way down Harry's chest, he kisses him again. Harry pulls away to kiss down Louis' neck. Despite how many times they've kissed, Louis feels like he's on fire.

It's soon when they're both grinding against each other, desperate to get to even closer. Louis frowns when Harry stops, his chest rising and falling in a hurry. "Why did you stop?" Louis pouts, knowing his not the only one affected by their kisses. "You're beautiful," Harry says instead of answering his question and kisses him. Louis feels a different kind of blush deepen on his cheeks.

He squirms as Harry kisses down his chest, stopping right above where Louis wants him to go most. "So damn beautiful," Harry mutters before reaching to pull down Louis' briefs, tossing them somewhere else. And Louis' about to respond but when Harry places a kiss on the head of his cock, he cries out instead. He really hopes his neighbor's can't hear him.

\----

**10:02 AM**

As much as Louis loves cuddling with Harry, he doesn't want to be late. "As soon as I finish getting redressed you're telling me,okay?" An impatient Louis says. Harry simply nods before muttering that he has to pee.

Harry shuts the bathroom door, frowning at himself in the mirror. How did he fuck up so badly? How will Louis take it? Will he want him to leave? How does he start? What does he say?

Harry feels the questions rattle inside him. The only thing that was certain was that this was going to break both their hearts.

\----

**10:08 AM**

Louis' nervous, Harry's dressed as well and they're both sitting on opposite corners of the bed. He doesn't like the taste in the air, doesn't like the look on Harry's face. Like he's about to pull the trigger on a gun and Louis has the unwavering fear that the bullet's headed towards him.

"I love you," Louis tells him, "Even if I get angry, that doesn't mean I won't forgive you because I will. I'll forgive you because I love you," And Louis won't admit it but he wanted to say it one last time. Just in case Harry's about to break his heart and he won't get the chance to ever say it again.

Harry sucks in a breath. "I don't know how to say this without sounding like the world's biggest jerk," he starts and Louis' on the tip of the cliff, waiting for the push. "I was drunk, " Harry sounds like he's choking on his words. "It was stupid, the boys wanted to go out, said they missed me. I should have said no, shoulda just stayed home and let them pout about it." He shakes his head, "But I didn't and god I hate myself for it."

Louis remains silent, waiting for him to continue, still waiting for the bullet or the push or the pain or whatever.

"It meant nothing, please understand that everything that happened that night meant nothing. I was just drunk and in a place I shouldn't have been at. I know how it must sound like excuses but I regret it all. "

"Regret what? What did you do?" Louis finally asks, his whole body tense, ready for the blow.

"I uh had sex with a guy in a bathroom of the club and I..um blew Liam outside. And we were going to have sex in his room but I stopped him. I told him about you and how I l-"

And there was the bullet, shooting him in the heart, the push off the cliff, the pain swallowing him, the whatever he had expected but was not prepared for.

"Please stop," Louis intervenes, feeling hopeless and betrayed inside. He's embarrassed by how fast the tears come. "Please," he whispers, unable to look at Harry. "There was one thing I asked from you, that one favor," Louis chokes out. "I asked you to tell me when you didn't want me anymore. So..um thanks for telling me. You're free to go, not that we were even in a relationship or whatever." He's trying not to sob.

"Louis," It sounds like Harry's crying too. Louis still can't look at him. "I want you, I choose you. I told Liam. I made a mistake but-"

"This isn't a mistake," Louis shakes his head, "When we're drunk...we make decisions, decisions we wouldn't make sober. So you can say you want me now. But deep down I'm not enough," The words slowly tear Louis apart, limb by limb.

"That's not true!" Harry argues, desperate and urgent. "You're more than enough, I love you." The words break Louis' heart. "No you don't. You're just trying to save this. But you don't love me and that's okay, it was wrong for me to ask that of you-"

"You're wrong, you can't tell me how I feel. I love you."

"Stop!" Louis sobs, "No you don't. Stop saying it. You have an addiction and I can't compete with it."

Harry crawls over to him, sobbing, with tears stained on his beautiful face. "That's not true, I love you, I do. I know I ruined this-"

"No," Louis disagrees. "You just showed me it wouldn't have worked out anyway. I need to go Harry, you can stay until the next train back but I need to go."

"No. Please. You and me, I know I fucked up, but please you and me, we love each other. Please. Don't let me become a pile of forgotten memories in the back of your mind,"

"I will never forget you." Is the only thing Louis says as he gets up, grabbing his luggage before making his way to the door, ignoring Harry's sobs and not caring if he's forgotten anything.

"Goodbye Harry," he calls out to the boy breaking on his bed as he walks out with his heart just as broken.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always appreciated. Have a great day x


	33. Green eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life's been heavy, which is why I haven't updated much I'm sorry. This chapter was almost painful to write, mostly because this winter has been really hard. I'm dealing with my own heartbreak, the first bit of the chapter is basically based off my situation. So I hope you enjoy this.

  
This is what heartbreak feels like. It's falling in love with someone in the winter and being warm from their love, even in the cold. It's spending Valentine's Day together at their home, eating a whole pizza while watching a movie that will leave both of you speechless. It's your birthday dinner at your favorite restaurant with your family and best friend and lover and knowing it's your favorite birthday you'll ever have. It's the drive around town and the love songs you sing to them later that night. It's saying you're not in love when you know damn well that you are.

And then they fall in love with someone else and you feel as if you're no longer real. Suddenly you feel your dream turn into a nightmare and your screams go unheard. That's heartbreak. It's being pulled apart by your lover as they give those pieces away. It's months of pain, pretending tomorrow will be better than tonight. It's gritting your teeth and hugging your pillow to your chest so you won't call them. It's pretending their hands are no longer the cure to your pain.

Heartbreak is destruction of the soul, slowly biting away at it with it's razor sharp teeth. And you swear it's claws don't hurt anymore, you say you can hardly feel them but everyone can see your tears in the bags underneath your eyes. And they smile at you, dripping with pity and it burns. You pretend you go to sleep at night and don't dream about them even though everyone knows that you do. You pretend and lie and hope one day it won't be a lie anymore, you pretend until you hope you're not pretending.

Heartbreak is the next winter you have to spend without them as their love keeps someone else warm. It's fatal, there is no real cure. You spend your whole life missing them and if you don't, are you sure you ever loved them in the first place?

\-----  
"Hi...um this is my uh I don't know...I've called a lot. I was hoping you'd answer this time. I just- I wanna hear your voice." Harry's throat burns as if it were on fire, raw from all the sobs. "I haven't left yet...I know I probably should. I figure I owe you that much- wait no. I owe you so much more." He frowns, more tears collecting in his eyes.

He waits a second, trying to piece together a coherent thought. "I- god. I messed up so badly. I know this can't be fixed with an apology but it can be fixed it- right?- it can, can't it? Please." And the tears rolls down onto his lips and he's tired of the familiar taste.

"I'm not ready to let go but I will. If you're 100% certain that's what you want, I'll let go. But please- it's you. People talk about how you know when you've found your soulmate, well it's you. You're the happiness I've been looking for-" He's reached the end of the voicemail and grunts in frustration.

He redials the number, not surprised when he gets the voicemail again. "It's me again..."

\-----

Louis stares down at his phone as he declines Harry's call once again. He frowns, wondering if he'll ever have the strength to answer. After a second, he slips his phone back into his pocket, deciding somethings can be handled later. As he orders another shot, a hand lands on his arm. Ready to smack it away, he looks up to see Aaron, the cousin of the Zayn's "friend." "Where's Zayn?" He asks, unaware that he's slurring his words.

"Home with Milo, it's my job to come get ya," he informs Louis, half amused at the offended look Louis has on his face. Louis rolls his eyes," Milo," he echoes, pursing his lips as if he didn't like the taste it left in his mouth.  
"Weird name. Anyway, you should know I'm adult, perfectly capable of..." He trails off, his focus landing on Aaron's lips.

Aaron cracks a smile when he notices, "Come on you can stare all you want on the drive home."   
"What, no touching?" Louis retorts, getting up anyway. "That comes later," Aaron answers, sending him a wink. Louis pretends he doesn't blush.

\----

Harry sits up quickly when he wakes to the phone ringing, "Louis?" He breaths, hopeful. His heart squeezes in his chest when he hears Zayn's voice instead. "Where are you?" Harry lays back down, curling into a small ball.

"Do I even have to say it? You know where I am," he tells him, voice quiet as he stares longingly at the opposite side of the bed, wanting more than anything that Louis were beside him.

"You can't- Harry, I should hate you right now. I should very much want to plummet you with angry fists but I don't." Zayn's response sends a breath of relief throughout Harry's body. "But you hurt my best friend and you can't lay in his bed pretending that you didn't."   
"I'm not!" Harry objects with a deep frown on his face.

"I know I did- it kills me- I want him back- I want to fix this. I love him."

"If only love were enough," Zayn sighs.

\----  
Louis' laugh ripped through the air and Aaron can't help but join in. "Well I mean, you probably still looked hot without your eyebrows. And-" Louis can't finish the sentence, bursting into laughter again.   
"And," he continues, wiping away a single tear. "It was a date he'd never forget."

"Well I am pretty unforgettable," Aaron jokes, sending him another wink. Louis chuckles,"And apparently very cocky." Aaron grins, taking no offense. They stare at each other until their grins melt off.

"So what is it? Or who?" Aaron asks, as they sit in the yard of his home. Louis raises an eyebrow in question before turning to face the sky, to avoid the stare he receives in response.   
"You didn't get drunk for no reason. Even alcoholics have their reasons, you were looking for something in the bottom of that bottle. So I'm asking you- what was it?"

"Green eyes."

\----  
"I need you here," Harry whispers as the voicemail comes to an end once again. "God, I need you here."

\----  
Louis lays back on the grass, keeping his stare towards the sky, as if there was a secret in the stars and he could figure it out. Aaron is quick to join him, gently grabbing Louis' hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze.   
"Do you know what I think? I think there's this universal question everyone is trying to answer- 'What is love?' Some say it doesn't exist, it's far too temporary to be real. Others say it's like coming home. That it's the feeling of certainty that you've finally found your soulmate. But what about the possibility that you have more than one- that you change and each time you do, someone else becomes your missing piece."

"The answers always changing," Louis whispers, frowning at the ache in the heart. "He's not even eighteen. Not until February," he admits, shutting his eyes, afraid of his reaction.   
"We're all guilty of something. So he's underage- you love him don't you? You're not using him, are you?"

"I love him and it's so wrong-"

"Stop it. Stop labeling him as a mistake, you say you love him. Is it the most perfect situation? No but you can't do that to him. Sometimes you love a person at the wrong time but don't ever make them into mistakes, it destroys what you once had."

"Don't you think I'm a pedophile or disgusting-"

"Louis."

And he can't help it when he starts crying. "He said he loved me for the first time and I felt like a monster."   
"You're none of those things. You're not a creep jacking off to his photos on the Internet. You're not stalking him. You're not forcing yourself upon him. You're in love, stop feeling like its an inconvenience." Aaron tells him gently.

"He cheated. Technically we weren't together but-"

"The heart doesn't care about technicalities. If you love him, let him speak. Listen and if you decide this isn't going to survive- then let him go. But don't leave him with an open wound, neither of you will heal. You both deserve closure."

"But it's so damn hard," Louis sobs.

"Love is hard, love doesn't give a shit. It's there, demanding your attention and the longer you ignore it, the louder it gets."  
Louis turns his head to face him, tears leaking out of his eyes.

They say all types of pain are temporary. That there isn't anything time can't fix, that you just have to wait it out. But this isn't some bullshit moment, where it's the storm before a rainbow. It's life, it's pain bleeding out of the cut in his heart. And the cut is too deep to heal.

How many times have we watched love turn bitter? How many times have we cried in solitude over the person who didn't stay? How many times did we wish we knew how to save our own love story?   
Many of us have boxes of memories stored away in our mind, that we can't look at yet. But every once in a while, a memory sneaks out and it hurts yet you smile anyway. You can't regret someone forever, at least not completely.

Louis stays silent, unsure of what to say, of what to feel. Aaron speaks up," Do you remember what I said before, the question we're all trying to answer?"   
"What is love?" Louis says, staring at him with a raised eyebrow.

Aaron nods," For what it's worth, I think your answer is waiting for you at home." Louis frowns and briefly nods in acknowledgment as Aaron squeezes his hand once more before getting up to go inside. "If you really think it's over, at least give him a proper ending. Call green eyes, Louis, you might regret it if you don't." And then he leaves.

Louis sighs, pulling out his phone and hesitates as he brings up Harry's contact. And then he presses call.

Harry answers right after the first ring. "Hello?" His voice comes out quickly, almost out of breath. Louis sighs, not realizing how much he's missed his voice. He doesn't say anything for a moment and neither does Harry.

"Hey green eyes."

\------

It feels as if the most important moments of your life happens in a matter of seconds, a matter of unplanned choices. It happens in seconds, you don't get to think. 1...2...3...and then you choose, even if you don't know if it's the best choice.

When do you know it's the right time to let go? When is it the right time to wave your white flag? To cave in and let the enemy be victorious?

"You crashed into my life." Louis starts, not quite sure where he's headed. "I shouldn't love you the way that I love you. But I do-" He can hear Harry attempt to speak. "Let me- please. Let me finish and then you can say it. Because if I don't say it now I'm afraid I won't be able to say it later."

Harry stays silent and Louis figures it's okay to speak. "I've been running. Every time something between us goes wrong, we don't speak. We hide- I hide until I hope the problem's resolved itself. But that's not right-" He frowns, pulling out some of the grass. "It won't ever be okay if we keep- silence is good sometimes. It is. But not right now, not when- there's this line between okay and not okay and I can't tell where we lie sometimes."   
He breathes out harshly," Why is it always so hard? Why are we always on this line? Always going back and forth- it's not right. I should know better. People come to me to help solve their problems for Christ sakes! And I can't even- do this." He stops, staring down at the grass. "Just tell me- why is always so damn hard?"

Louis shuts his eyes tightly, the words in his head swarming like bees and he can't focus. "You don't have the answer. Neither do I. And that's okay. It's okay. We can figure this out together," And Harry's voice is so soft, Louis lets himself cry.   
"Why are you crying love?"

"Because I don't think we can," And Louis hears the harsh breath on the other end of the phone. "I-I thought I could do this. I thought I was ready to talk but-" He quickly wipes away at the tears on his cheek. "I need more time."

"I'll be here," Harry whispers and Louis hangs up.

\-----  
"He called," Harry tells him. "It hurts- it fucking hurts," And the tears have started again. "Hey hey," Liam murmurs, attempting to calm him. "Everyone in the entire world ends up hurting the person they love most at least once. We all do one bad, terrible thing that is practically unforgivable because we are self-destructive. You are not a bad person. And you aren't hiding behind an excuse, you have an addiction. That doesn't make your actions right but it gives them explanation. You didn't do it to hurt him. "

"But I hurt him and there's no way around it. H-how do I make it better? How do I fix this?" Harry wails into the phone. He can already imagine the sympathetic stare Liam would be giving him right now.  
"I don't know..I just don't," Liam whispers, wishing that he did.

"I'm tired of that answer!" Harry shouts, the tears clouding his visions. "I just want to know- I need to- I can't lose him Li, how do you recover from that? How do you move on-?!" His sentence gets swallowed in another round of snotty sobs.

"Only he has the answer," Liam frowns.

"What if he decides that this is the end? The end before the beginning-" Harry chuckles humorless and dry. "Isn't that funny? I ruined it before we even got a real shot-"  
"You didn't ruin anything Harry," Liam interrupts.

"Except I did- I ruined everything!" Harry spits back, furious at himself.   
"You're not the only one to blame. Stop doing this to yourself-" Liam attempts to say.   
"Doing what? Admitting the truth? Facing the consequences?" Harry bites back.

"The pity!" Liam yells, his breaths choppy and angry. "How can he forgive you if you can't forgive yourself?! You made a mistake! You fucked up but sitting there and repeating it, doesn't change it. You want to save this- so save it! Get off his bed and go beg him for forgiveness. Find it in yourself to forgive yourself. Tell him he's worth more than your addiction, that you are worth more than your addiction. But drowning in the guilt will only kill you, not save you." 

The silence surrounds them until Harry hangs up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays!


	34. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i suck

The unthinkable. The unfathomable. To imagine losing the one you love. The pain that shapes you, that sculpts you into someone else. The person you become after losing the one you love. But you don’t want to know that person. You don’t want to become that person. The one with the raging war inside them, the one who pretends they are okay. The one who aches, who suffers, who cries, who screams. The one who dies inside from the loss.

You don’t just lose them, you don’t just miss them. You lose yourself, you miss yourself. You miss the comfort, who you knew you were, where you would be coming home. You miss it all because you lose it all. The unthinkable. The unfathomable. The worst day of your life. Losing someone you love because then you stop changing the roses on the table, you stop washing the dishes, you stop cooking dinner. You give up.

You become someone else. And they become someone else. Eventually you are not just strangers who have memories of people who once loved each other. But you become strangers who were never in love.

Time stops. Time becomes irrelevant. It feels like the worst day of your life was just yesterday even though you know it wasn’t. You forget all about time. Days don’t feel like days. And when it’s a year, you’ll crack under the intensity of missing them so much. You will feel incomplete. Unreal. And time? Time will mean nothing. You will mark each day by how much it hurts.

You will suffer. You will burn until you are just ash. Or maybe you just fade until your loved ones bury you. And the day you hear of them loving someone else, you will roll around in your coffin. You bleed from trying to find a way out. You will scream but no one will hear it because you are dead and you are only screaming what they already know. That it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. And they know it does, they do but they don’t understand because they aren’t in pain.

They aren’t the ones with a broken heart.

See the unthinkable, the unfathomable, the worst day of your life ruins you, it takes you from you. Replaces the happiness you felt once with a more dull feeling. With a nothing that almost feels like something.

And the worst part is the fighting. The fighting for the love, for your love.

You make promises you know you can’t keep. Maybe because at the time you believe that you can or maybe because even though you know that you can’t, it’s the right thing to say. It’s the next line in your script, it’s your duty to say it even if you know they’re just pretty words. Our world is made up of broken promises, half-assed attempts of actually keeping that promise true.

“I promise to love you forever.”

The promise that is often misinterpreted. What we hear is: I promise to stay.

But that’s not the promise they are making. Because sometimes they don’t stop loving you even as they are walking away from you. Sometimes their steps away from you are a heavy punch in their heart because they do love you but love is not a hero. Love is not enough alone. We only wish it were.

And sometimes, the worst day of your life, is having to be the one who walks away.

\---

“Find your way back to me please,” The static silence is almost unbearable. “I’m here waiting for you, just find your way to me love.” Harry whispers, closing his eyes for a moment. “I believe in us, in our love. I just need you to believe too.”

\---

Aaron’s room is alive with the pumping music, Louis swears his fingertips are shaking with it. They’re lying on Aaron’s bed, trying to ignore the obvious fact that Zayn and Milo are having loud sex (the kind of loud that only exists in porn and will leave both Louis and Aaron traumatized) in the room next door. Louis’ at the foot of the bed, eyes shyly watching Aaron stare at his phone with mild discontent. He pretends he’s drunk so Aaron would lock away his phone. He pretends so he can have a reason for not being able to call Harry, so he doesn’t have to admit it’s because he isn’t ready to.

_“I just need you to believe too.”_

_I don’t know how to_.

“Aaron,” Louis calls over the booming music and Aaron looks up in response. “I want to get laid,” he proudly boasts. Although his hands shake as he says it and this time it’s not because of the music. “So call Green eyes,” Aaron shoots back, giving a pointed look to the locked drawer in his nightstand.

Louis’ eyes narrow and he throws the pillow he was leaning on at Aaron’s face, “You’re terrible at your job! You’re supposed to keep me from making dumb calls like that.” After a beat of silence, Louis’s lips stretch out into a smirk,” Actually.” He drags out the word, this time feeling bolder, more confident. “I was hoping you could me help out.”

Aaron raises an eyebrow and gives him an incredulous stare. “You want me to call green ey-“

“No!” Louis interrupts, chuckling. “No.” After two beats of silence and Aaron staring at him like a puzzle he can’t solve. “I need to know,” Louis blurts, pausing, more sincere this time. “I need to know if I can survive kissing someone else.”

“And you want to kiss me?” Aaron asks, his eyebrows dipping into a small frown.

“Only if you’re comfortable with it. “

Aaron stares at him with sad eyes. “Louis,” he whispers with a gentle voice. Louis’ lower lip shakes,” Please.”

“What if you can’t?” Aaron asks, allowing himself to edge closer to Louis. “I’m more scared that I can, that’ll be too easy to kiss someone else.” Louis admits.

Neither of them say anything as Aaron looks down at his hands with a frown on his face. Louis feels regret climb onto his skin and he opens his mouth to take it back.

“Only one kiss, “Aaron says. _Another empty promise._ “Just one, I’m no green eyes, I’m not your soulmate- he is.” Louis’s eyes water as he whispers, “Shut up and kiss me.” Aaron gently cups Louis’ face, thumbs brushing softly over his cheeks.

“It’s okay if you think about him.”

But he doesn’t.

Aaron’s lips are soft and smooth, Louis enjoys the roughness of his stubble, the faint bitterness of beer. Louis pays attention to all of it as their lips move against each other. More intimate than he expected. And he hates it because he likes it. Maybe because it’s Aaron and Aaron is sweet and he understands. Whatever the reason to explain why he wraps his hand on the back of Aaron’s neck to pull him closer. It’s only one kiss, he reminds himself but he doesn’t pull away.

Aaron does. Something stays suspended in the air. Maybe because he could. The pain didn’t consume him like he feared it would. Maybe because the kiss wasn’t about Harry like it was supposed to be. Maybe it was just about him and Aaron.

\---

You know which choice you’re supposed to choose. But the question is: _how?_

\---

“Kiss me again.” It’s a dangerous thing to ask for. Louis knows that. He says it again.

Aaron shakes his head. “Harry calls you almost every hour,” he says instead. Louis’ heart clenches at the sound of his name. “I don’t know him but I know that I can’t do that to him, that I can’t let you do this to him.”

Louis shakes his head, tears growing in his eyes. Aaron continues,” He found you first, I can’t just snatch you away.”

“Don’t talk about me like I’m property!” Louis almost yells, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. “It’s not a race, it’s not about who got there first. It’s about how he breaks my heart over and over again and how the time is wrong and how I’m making excuses just so I don’t have to admit that my soulmate found me in the wrong life.” He breathes out a sob.

“I know how much I mean to him okay? I know he calls, I know when he’s silently crying, I know. But I also know how much it hurts to love him and how much it must hurt him to love me too. And I know the world is against us but I also know you can’t fight for something that’s already lost.” Louis shakes his head before staring intensely into Aaron’s eyes.

“He’s the love of my life, I know it but we’re in the wrong life and sometimes love isn’t enough to win the war. And right now kissing you feels like a victory for a battle raging inside of me right now. “

Aaron breathes out harshly, unsure of what to do. “You love him.” He reminds him again as if there is something in those three words Louis hasn’t seen. “I know, I know,” Louis’ voice shakes and more tears roll. “But I’m telling you that it’s too hard, that he is young and I am not, that he is extraordinary and I am plain.”

“No you’re not. You’re more than what you think you are. You are amazing Louis, you are the sun, you brighten up the world. You are anything but plain.” Aaron’s voice is stern and his eyes are sincere as his voice rises over the music to say that.

“Then why did he sleep with him? Why did he kiss them? Why wasn’t I enough for him?” Louis yells, his voice breaking. “If he is my soulmate and if he loves me, why did he do that to me?”

“Sometimes we do terrible things,” is the only Aaron can say.

“Like this,” Louis states before grabbing Aaron and pulling him into a kiss. Aaron kisses back for a second before reluctantly pulling away. “I can’t let you use me as revenge,” Aaron whispers, his heart speeding in his chest.

“I’m not. This isn’t about Harry, this is about me and how I made a choice. I made a choice to kiss you. And I want you to let me make the choice of continuing to kiss you.” Louis breathes in deeply, his eyes never wavering from Aaron’s.

“Tonight, this moment, this that might look terrible when it’s over, isn’t terrible. Isn’t about Harry. It’s about you and me.”

“What if you regret it?”

“What if I don’t?”

Aaron pulls Louis into another kiss, a softer one, a slow one. “I want to make this night last, in case in the morning you pack your bags and go back to him. I want this to be ours, for a spilt second that you be mine.” Aaron whispers against his lips.

“Then tonight, I am yours.”

Aaron pushes lays on the bed, laying on top of Louis, never breaking the kiss. Louis tugs at Aaron’s lower lip with his teeth as they grind their hips slowly against each other. Louis moans quietly as Aaron kisses down his jaw and bites at his neck before soothing it with kisses. He repeats it over and over until it leaves a mark, so neither of them will forget this in the morning.

He pulls away to take off his shirt, breathing harshly when Louis runs his hands down his chest. Leaning down he plants a kiss on Louis’ lips before helping him out of his shirt. Aaron scoots down to leave kisses down Louis’ chest. He leaves two another marks on his hips as Louis squirms because his cock is aching in his boxers.

Aaron looks up at him before planting a heavy kiss on it. He pulls down Louis’ boxers and jeans, throwing them aside. “God, you’re beautiful.” Aaron says, making Louis blush fiercely.

He responds with a moan when Aaron finally grips him and gives him a strong tug. “I’m gonna make you feel so good,” he tells him before leaning down and taking him into his mouth.

He only stops when Louis is on the verge of coming. He gets up to get the lube and condoms. He turns back to him and says “We’re gonna need lots of these.”

Louis laughs breathlessly, “Can we please hurry because I want to make you feel good too.”

“And you will, by letting me ride that lovely cock of yours.”

Louis feels a surge of heat rush through his body as he scoots up the bed sits up against the headboard. Aaron straddles him as they pull each other into a rougher kiss. They both moan as Louis grinds up into him.

He watches as Aaron slicks him up with the lube and rolls the condom on. “Wait are you prepped?” Louis asks.

“I’m prepped enough,” Aaron says. “Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you-“

Aaron interrupts him by lowering himself onto Louis with a grunt. Louis lets out a deep moan, “god, you’re tight.”

Aaron tries to kiss him but ends up panting in his mouth as he moves his hips. Louis thrusts his hips upward as Aaron moves his down. They both moan loudly. “Feels so good,” Aaron whimpers, moving faster, his hands on Louis’ chest.

Louis sits up, “get on all four,” he tells and Aaron whimpers as he quickly does so. They both moan again as Louis thrusts into him. “Fuck,” Louis loudly curses as he grabs Aaron’s hips to fuck him harder.

“Faster baby please,” Aaron grunts, his back arching. Louis can hear the bed squeak as he fucks him faster. One of Louis’ hand grips Aaron’s leaking cock and Aaron shouts in surprise and pleasure. “Sosososo good,” he cries out fucking into Louis’s hand.

“Close baby?” Louis asks, moaning when Aaron says yes. “Gonna come for me?”

Aaron nods his head rapidly, “Yes, oh god yes,” he cries out before he comes. Louis is quick to follow as Aaron becomes tighter around his cock.

They stay for a second, both panting and trying to catch their breath. “And that was only the beginning,” Aaron says, chuckling.

\----

It hurts. It hurts.

“It’s supposed to be you and me.” There’s a pause where a tear rolls down his raw cheek. “You and me,” he cries, his voice shaking. “It hurts. This silence hurts. I know I hurt you, I know I did. And I can’t take it back and I-“ He stops to gather himself.

“I can’t make you forgive me.” He shakes his head, staring at the pillow, at the absence of the man he loves. “But it’s supposed to be me and you.”

“I would move mountains for you, I would take a bullet for you. I need you.” He breathes out, gripping the blanket into a fist. “Meet me half-way, we can fix this. We can build a new home since I destroyed our last one. Please. All you have to do is give me a sign. Tell me to stay, tell me to go but don’t let me drown in this silence anymore.”

\---

Louis’ head is laid upon Aaron’s chest. The music is no longer keeping the room alive. Louis is listening to Aaron’s heartbeat, his eyes closing as he slowly falls asleep.

“You’re going to choose him right?” Aaron whispers, making Louis jolt awake. “You’re going to choose him.” He says this time as a statement, not a question. “What makes you think that?” Louis hums, frowning.

“He’s your soulmate. I’ve seen this in movies a hundred times.” Aaron tells him and he sounds sad. But like he’s accepted it. “You’ll go back to him and when you see him, everything click into place and all the doubts will disappear. And we’ll have is this night, this conversation but eventually it’ll fade too.”

Louis stays silent. “I don’t know.”

Aaron chuckles, “But I do.”

“How can you be so sure? Don’t you want it to be you?” Louis asks him, lifting his head to look at him. Aaron smiles at him, almost ruefully. “Because you love him and he loves you and sometimes, things have a funny way of working out. Yes, part of me wants you to choose me. To start over with me but you’ve already found the missing piece to your puzzle piece, you’ve found love. It’s not going to be me and I’m not mad about it. I just hope that when the time comes, you won’t forget me.”

“How could I ever forget this?” Louis sighs, grasping Aaron’s cheek. “How could I ever forget you? I don’t tell people things like this, you’re different. No matter what happens, I think in a distance world somewhere out there, you and me, we could be something different. Something happy.”

“Man, I am so jealous of green eyes.” Aaron sighs loudly. Louis laughs, rolling his eyes. “ I think in this moment, he’s probably jealous of you too.”

“Are you going to tell him about this?”

“Shouldn’t I? Isn’t that the right thing to do?”

\---

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

“Hello?” Harry sounds surprised, there’s a warmth that spreads throughout Louis’ body.

“Hi.” He whispers back, like he’s a child again and they’re in class, and it all feels so secret and small and intense. “Is this half-way?’

Harry closes his eyes as he smiles through a breathless chuckle. “Yes, this is half-way.”

“I miss you,” Louis whispers, his voice shaking like he’s just told a secret he promised never to tell. Like it’s fragile and could crack into a million pieces.

“I miss you too,” Harry says back, his chest flooding with relief, like he’s been filled with morphine. The pain has stopped, the ache is frozen. He wishes he could freeze this moment forever, keep this feeling in his chest forever.

“I miss you,” Louis repeats like it’s the only thing he can say, like it’s the only thing he can think of saying.

Harry says it back again, like a promise he will never break.

This is all they say for another hour, listening to the way it rolls off their tongues. Their breaths of peace, of comfort. A break, a moment where they both wave the white flag in the war raging between them. A moment where nothing can touch them, where none of the causalities they have suffered matter. Where their love is the only thing that matters, where it’s just them. The way it’s supposed to be.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”  


	35. Hi guys!!

Hi guys,

So. I haven't posted a new chapter in the loooongest. And I don't know if anyone still reads this, but I stopped writing because I was very unhappy as to where it was going. I lost sight of where I wanted it to end. 

So my question to you; should I edit it, from the very beginning? I would be changing some of the chapters, meaning it'd be a little bit different from what you've already read. 

I want to give you guys an ending because you guys have always been so supportive of this story!! But in all honesty, it is up to you guys and what you guys want!! 

This once was so much fun for me, and I'd be glad to start over if you'd guys give me the chance. 

So just let me know (: 

Lots of love, 

K xxx 


	36. Hi guys!!

Hi everyone!   
Thanks for the feedback!! I've decided that I will be editing it, it will be a long process I think. So when I get home in two weeks, (I'm currently at a summer program) I will began working on it.   
I will be changing the age gap, so I hope that doesn't bother anyone. Along with some other details that I haven't officially decided. But I'm excited to do this, I'm excited to revive this and give you all the ending you waited for.   
Thank you for all the kind words. I hope you guys will enjoy this as much as I will.   
Lots of love xx


	37. Chapter 1 is up!

Go read the update! Brand new chapter 1


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